My boyfriend (of one and a half years) has been a problem gambler since we first met at University. It reached a point where he realised it was a problem, and attended GA meetings for a while, and he has been doing very well. A couple of days ago, however, he relasped and online bet again.
I don't think this negates from his accomplishment so far; he was bet-free for 4 months, and I'm glad he told me as soon as he relapsed again the other day. He's also very ashamed and aware he has a problem, has never asked me for money or borrowed from friends, and as we're still quite young our finances are very separate. He also hasn't lashed out/blamed me in any way, as I know other CGs can be prone to do. He genuinely wants to get better, and all summer was talking about how great it felt to have it all behind him.
The issue I'm having is I don't know whether I'm allowing myself to be too optimistic here - I haven't seen any bank statements or internet history, so my knowledge of the situation is based purely on trusting what he tells me. Should I be more wary? Do I suggest that I have access to his bank statements etc? Do I make him attend GA meetings again?
I just don't want surprises to come out later, and look back and wish I'd held a harder line.
Any advice at all is appreciated!
Hi deer me you can't make him go to GA but you can encourage him to go back. Gamstop is something gamblers can sign up to, to block online gambling for 5 years to most U.K. sites. It's not your responsibility to monitor his bank accounts but if he chooses to ask you to help, you could. Unfortunately relapse can happen and it can lead to prolonged gambling. It sounds like he hasn't done that. Look after yourself too. You could go to a gamanon meeting to learn a bit more, they normally run at same time as GA, so it can be supportive to the gambler. Personal experience means I think attendance at GA is beneficial. It sounds like he might need that support. If not call gamcare.
Hi I was looking for help online and I found this website. My husband gambling since I know him around 16 years but I thought it is controlled but when few years ago I noticed bigger money being involved I started to ask him to stop and then everything began. He said yes he will stop but I kept finding some new ways he is using to gamble and pay foe it whenever I found his secrets he changed for another like PayPal, credit card I didn't know about . Recently we took mortgage and I am very worry about going to big debt. When I ask him about how much he spends she get really angry and the we argue. If not this part of his life he would be wonderful husband and person I don't know what to do.
Hi Deer_me - this is about you right now and your boundaries. Of course he doesn't need to show you any of his bank statements/ credit cards (or critically his Credit Reports x 3) but if he isn't willing to then will you accept that, a potential life in the dark, always second guessing etc
As the compulsive gambler I have even forged a bank statement to show my mum (many years ago) to show it was a 'banking issue' - thankfully I never had the cajones to do the same to a 3rd party but if you knew me in real life I very much doubt anyone would believe I would and did do that to my own family, just to cover up my addiction.
If he is gambling, it is and will affect you in some shape or form, if he is doing all he can to stop then he will have zero issue with showing anything relating to his financials
best wishes
Compulsive Gambler wrote:
Hi Deer_me - this is about you right now and your boundaries. Of course he doesn't need to show you any of his bank statements/ credit cards (or critically his Credit Reports x 3) but if he isn't willing to then will you accept that, a potential life in the dark, always second guessing etc
As the compulsive gambler I have even forged a bank statement to show my mum (many years ago) to show it was a 'banking issue' - thankfully I never had the cajones to do the same to a 3rd party but if you knew me in real life I very much doubt anyone would believe I would and did do that to my own family, just to cover up my addiction.
If he is gambling, it is and will affect you in some shape or form, if he is doing all he can to stop then he will have zero issue with showing anything relating to his financials
best wishes
Thank you for this reply, it's really helped - I'm going to talk to him about finances and encourage him to have some act as an audit of sorts, whether it's myself or not.
Wish me luck!
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