Totally confused!

Hi JB, 

Firstly i'd just like to welcome you to our forum and thank you for sharing your story with us.

It's positive you're taking the time to talk this through as it sounds like your partners gambling debt must have come as quite a shock to you. This is a very natural reaction as most affected others struggle to accept the deceit created through their partners hidden gambling and are often unsure which direction to move in next.  

If you would like to explore this in more depth then please feel free to contact our 24/7 helpline and speak to an adviser on 0808 8020 133. Alternatively you could use our live chat function (bottom right of this website) 

Kind regards, 

Tom (forum admin) 

Hi there. After reading your post the only way to give a honest answer is to put myself in your shoes and the first thing that I thought was get myself right in every way then the childrens welfare

Now once those most important facts are settled a close family meeting to sort out every single item no holding back over the course of two weeks or so all gambling financial and money distribution to be arranged and apply all blocks to the max

At no point should you depart your home and if agreed a cooling off period with your partner staying away for a month or two but you must have control to see bank accounts etc

Then the hard part begins it has to be total trust no secrets and full compliance or for me that is the end because you only have one lifetime and when you and the children are good you have done your best

Does he want to stop is the first question I would ask right now? Does he want the help to stop? These are the important questions to know if you want in or out imo. He has to do it for himself before taking inventory of the financial and emotional mess he has created. If he goes to GA or other help will he be doing so on his on accord should show some hope for you’re continued relationship.

I tell my partner immediately if some thing is wrong on my side and openly talk about gambling.. thoughts and dreams. I have been gamble free for a while now but still I am not complacent and speak up if I have thoughts. 

It’s a journey and if he wants recovery please understand if he slips up and is honest about it that can be part of the recovery journey like many of us here have gone through. But remember he has got to want it!

dave101

I found paying my income to my other half aswell as gambling blocks on my devices has been the key. But gambling addiction is different for everyone. 

If they want to stop then great. I found professional help from services was of great benefit to discuss my triggers and work on building up a defence to urges.

I personally have spent over 10 years living a miserable existence of gambling secretly - Pretending I wasn't and finding any excuse to play. Finally I realised I could enjoy my income a lot better than blowing it on an online casino and feeling utterly miserable and wondering how I'm going to explain why certain bills weren't being paid.

Its a journey and its different for everyone. My experience won't necessarily reflect someone else's experience. But with the right help it gets better. I've been clean 6 months...Utterly despise gambling and have no intention of playing. 

@bm241pin5d I was really interested to read this and wondered if you felt any resentment when you first made the changes to help protect you both from gambling?

My partner has a history of gambling. He recently relapsed for the third time since we’ve been together. We have 3 young children between us, I’m under a lot of financial pressure as it is so his recent gambling has been stressful emotionally and financially for both of us. He agreed to get his wages paid into my account. We both felt it’s the only way to protect us all. We can’t have another month where we’re living entirely on my wages, we can’t afford it. He was happy with that arrangement and relieved at first, but this week he has been completely cold with me and can’t even bring himself to hug me. Tonight he told me it’s because he feels resentful that he’s paying his wages to my account. That he feels like I’m treating him like a child. And now he now won’t talk to me about it. 

I’m trying my best to look after all of us, make sure we can afford everything we need for the kids. I’m trying to support him emotionally, trying to make life easier for him because I know stress is a trigger for him. I’m paying over 3/4 of the bills myself anyway…and now he resents me for it. I feel exhausted from it to be honest. I want to support him but I also don’t want to become a doormat. 

I just wondered if you felt any of those things at the time and how you and your partner overcame it? I know it won’t be an easy journey but I really don’t want to lose our relationship, and it feels like he’s just pushing me away. 

@vt2syjwb0r this sounds so familiar to me.. I pay everything and we have just agreed to pay his money into my account and he knows he needs to see someone but is still blaming me for his gambling *I say the wrong thing or make him angry etc etc)* My non addicted husband is the kindest, nicest person ever but I'm not sure I can even see this side anymore and i don't know if it's helping him if I stay around.

Hi JB 

This sounds so similar to me. I found out in May that my husband of 9 years is in 21k of debt, which I had absolutely no clue about. Like you I went mental, screaming, shouting, so upset he'd hidden it and lied to me for two years. I asked to look at his statements to see where the money had gone, I asked if I'd find anything I wouldn't like (never thought I'd find gambling, thought maybe evidence of an affair if anything), he said no I wouldn't see anything I wouldn't like, allowed me to look and instantly saw he had a gambling problem (*****). Scrolled and scrolled to multiple *** transactions a week/day. I was so shocked and upset, it was only when I pointed it out that he realised he had a problem. 

The next day I went into practical mode, got bans in place, took steps to repay debts and arrange regular payments, moved everything to where I had visibility, got him help as this realisation and admission gave him a bit of a breakdown. It was awful. The shock, stress and trauma of me finding out, then seeing him hit rock bottom and trying to support him while in pain myself.

We also have two young children, he's been distant and negative and angry for a couple of years, I thought he just didn't want to be part of our family anymore, I never thought this. When I found out it kind of all made sense, how he'd been. But this was all 5 months ago and I'm struggling so much with how to move forwards still. I still see a future with him, he is a good man and a good father. But I don't know how to be with him anymore, he's shattered my trust, unsettled our future and I just hate what he's done so much. He hasn't gambled since and had support from gam care, he's done everything I've asked of him and I can't fault him on that but how do I learn to be happy with him again after all of this? 

I've only told two friends, who I don't see very often and I still struggle daily with living this lie and close friends and family not knowing. I feel like I'm constantly pretending. I so want to tell my mum but I'm scared of her and my dad seeing him and us in a different light and judging every spending decision we make from now on. I also feel telling people is betraying him in some way.

Sorry, not much help in terms of advice but just wanted to let you know you aren't alone. Xx