Hi to anyone who can help me and give me strength
I know what i need to do- but making this move really fills me with dread!
My hubby- of 13 years/together 23 years plus 2 kids (18 and 13), has serious gambling and spending addictions- we've been through counselling separately via gamcare! I accepted his traits and accepted mine that may have contributed to his behaviour (ie. wanting to save, buy house...was too much pressure on him)- we moved to a place whereby i realised i couldn't change they way he feels about money/gambling- but together i thought we were stronger and more open and could manage the triggers and prevent the deceit! I relaxed my need to save and live frugally - tried to go more date nights etc
Boy was i wrong! Last week i discovered that he had racked up 14K debt again and last night went to a casino and blew 1.7k of wages on a works doo (money for the mortgage, council tax, fuel etc)- all gone!!
How stupid was i to think that this would not happen again, that i could trust him! Over the years - the saga - on reflection is ridiculous! I'm not saying I'm a saint- but his behaviour is so destructive! I dont give a d**n about money tbh- so long as bills paid- we warm/food etc i can live frugally with the long goal in view- e.g holiday next year etc- all destroyed again! I now have another loan to pay again which i took out to cover some of his debt and only £1.04 in the bank this morning. My 18 year old has found me upset in the kitchen and lent me his savings to cover the direct debits! Im so ashamed!
I think im so worn down by this- i have become desensitised to his behaviour im concerned he will come home- ill move on and suck it up after the apologies and try to 'start again'.
I think this is the 6th time his debt has mounted up- he used the last of my inheritance from my mum to gamble few years ago online- talking in excess 5k- blew it in 20 mins! left a note on kitchen table when i got home from work and went awol for 24hours! Following this i had to go to bank on my own and disclose this to get some of the money back . Again, so embarrassed and ashamed. He then self excluded from gambling sites and we had our cards blocked for gambling sites. But ive discovered he now has as secret account to use! when we were 23 he was in big trouble- 20k debt from gambling /spending, then again when were 30...we used 30k of my mums inheritance to pay off debt- then he told me last week he didn't tell me the whole truth and still had outstanding debt from this time that he had not told me about. I have no idea what his in and outs are in re to money- he wont pay his wage into joint account or show me his bank- i put my wage into joint account as way of showing trust and openness- in the daft hope that this will encourage him. Secret transactions and transfers out of the joint account- when confronted tells me its for food, expenses! He tells me he shouldn't have to do this for me to trust him. I knew deep down but guess i ignored it in the stupid hope he was changing and eventually he'd be transparent.
He won't consider the deceit as a betrayal- infidelity! Im not sure i can/if i should move forward from this - i know i need to call it a day- but im worried about where he will go, sleep, live, the kids. Im worried about how ill pay the bills on my own. I have no one i can disclose this too- ive never disclosed this to anyone apart from the councillor 2 years or so ago. Im reallay sorry for the long post. He has approached work now and is getting support from them to manage the rest of the debt that i couldn't pay off- but only started last week when i found out. im so ashamed and don't want people to judge him either as he is a good man apart from money issues .When we are good- i love him so much- 23 years of my life with one man....will all be gone but i don't know what else i can do to 'fix' this . I dont think i can?
Hi r32,
Welcome to our forum and thank you for sharing your story with us. It certainly sounds like you've been on quite a rollercoaster journey with your partners gambling over the years. It's positive you're using this space to make sense of your current situation as it's not always easy for us to know the best way to move forward from this.
If you would like further support and to explore this in more depth then feel free to contact our helpline on 0808 8020 133. Alternatively you could use our live chat function (bottom right of this website)
kind regards,
Tom (forum admin)
Hi there. For me what you have been through enough is enough I can say all the things we already know that can used to end this situation but your partner has to be cut off from all financial sources and it’s not going to be easy but he has to be taken back to basic’s he has no *** of reality Start the process the usual close family meeting to begin the all encompassing program even more importantly you and your children are number one stay where you are settled eat well sleep well and meet all your families and friends regularly start today as we only have one lifetime Best
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