Valentine

Hi hardtry,

I'm the now ex wife of a CG so I too have faced your dilemma. You are not alone. I had to make the tough choice to end the marriage and we have 2 teenage daughters. It hasn't been easy and no one comes out completely unscathed but my husband left 18 months ago now, we are divorced and we are doing okay. I still love my ex but I couldn't live like it any longer. It was self preservation for me and keeping a roof over my girls heads that made me say enough is enough. (That and him stealing from me)! Actually I think it gave my ex the push he needed too. He is now in recovery. I'm not advising you to divorce him, I'm just saying that my girls know the truth about their dad,still love him and he is welcome in our home. I think how the children are affected largely depends on how the adults handle the situation. I was lucky in that my husband made everything as smooth for us as possible. I felt very guilty for a long time for making the decision but it was the right thing to do. I honestly couldn't cope living like it any longer. Everyone is different but please confide in a close friend or relative or ring the help line for support. You don't need to make any major decisions immediately. I've been there and I really feel for you.

Hi hardtry, I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through this.

I can really sympathise with you in terms of knowing in your gut that something's up. It's such a shame we are always right about this.

As easy as it is to give advice as an outsider and as hard as it is to take it when in these situations, I think you must do exactly as you are doing and think about yourself and your son. You both must come first and if he cannot put you both first and get a grip on this addiction (be open and get all the help he requires), then in the same way that actions speak louder than words on his part, they also will on yours.

I guess, speaking from my experience, it is so painful to break away from the person you love and watch them lose everything, but that old saying "you've got to be cruel to be kind" comes into play. Continuing to tolerate that kind of behaviour will not help him to realise the changes that must be made.

It's so difficult. I really hope you have a good support network to help you through this hard time. Sending you love and hope.

Thank you both for your replies they both ring so true with me. The guilt as in I am taking my sons father away.

My thoughts are whilst we still love each other and get along it will better to do it now so that our long term relationship will be good. I have no idea where he is staying he said he would go to his parents and they know nothing but I am not sure he did.

My parents know the whole story but my dad is ill so I cant talk to them at the moment. He has not told his parents and part of me wants to tell them, do you think I should ? I am just worried if I dont then he is going to get himself in a worse position without support as he has not told anyone.

The ache in my heart is killing me but I need to be strong to move on.

Thank you for your messages.

Hi again,

Just reading your story brings it all back to me. At one point my husband was living in his car so I completely understand your worry. I did tell his parents, partly because I was so concerned for his welfare that I needed to share that burden. I didn't want his wellbeing being totally my responsibility. I know that sounds quite selfish but I was scared and needed help. I also told his brother. For me I wanted his family looking out for him too. (As it happens they weren't that great but I'm still glad I told them).

How is your son coping? You are not taking his father away. He will always be his dad. I am still very much involved with my ex, we are good friends and we support each other. It's a very strange situation actually because we separated more for financial reasons as I was seriously worried that he wouldn't stop and would bring us all down with him. So like you the love hasn't gone but it was what was needed. This might be the wake up call your husband needs to push him into recovery. I hope it is. Stay strong.

Hi,

My son does not know yet, I dont think we will tell him the truth as he is 14 and I dont really see how seeing his dad as a Gambler when he is at an age where he is discovering himself would help. His relationship is good, but they are very different people and I think he would see it as weakness. It is so hard it is such early days and I do not want anyone to know, however we are going to have to tell my son seen which means then we have to tell everyone so my son has support.

I do actually think my husband is staying in his car or hotel as he wont tell me where he is. I think he is in denial about the split and I cant see him at the moment as it is all to raw.

Just one more thing, please remember you in all this, you will need support too.

This is so true everybody's comments it's one of the worst situations, to be in. Nobody will ever understand "cruel to be kind" it harsh but true.xx good luck.x

So, he has been living in his car and came back last night. We talked and he said it's my choice where we go from here. He said he will hand over finances and try but he is a ga so cannot promise.
We have a great family life but problems with intimacy. So mixed up just don't know what to do. Just keep reading the posts on here to find answers.

He said he does not want anymore counselling as he has said all he needs too.

Morning hardtry

From what you said it doesn't sound that positive from him. He doesn't sound like he's come back fighting, determined to win you back, do whatever it takes? I could be wrong. What is he going to do differently? You have access to the credit reports already and that hasn't stopped him. Perhaps joint couple counselling could be a way forward? I know he says he's said all he needs to but if you did it together that might be a way to move forward?

Why is what he does your choice? Sounds like a transfer of the proverbial buck to me.

Your choices are about how you live your life and whether you accommodate his limitations (intimacy matters) and tolerate his gambling. Or whether you think that your needs, hopes and dreams matter to you and you do what it takes to meet them.

IMO relationship counselling works if he's prepared to acknowledge his problem and work on himself. He does have to engage with it and as Katie says, he's not exactly going all guns blazing for change.

Keep the focus on you.

CW

Well we have talked again now and he said the reason he is being so laid back is he does not want to sway my decision as it's got to be my choice. So I've made a list and he has agreed to it all.

He stayed here last night and I have said small steps and no promises.

I do have a couple of questions.

If you put on a notice of correction can you then take it off without impact say for mortgage in the future?

Also we have a joint account, this works for us so everything comes out of this account. However they say on here do not pay off their debts. He has never ever touched this account for gambling as it's our money. Is it ok to continue like this his loan comes out of here and now we will be paying off the new cards.

Can't see how else to manage it.

Funny I spoke with my brother and he really helped. He said we are like the perfect couple and was so surprised.

Hiya hard try, met you in chat. Is your husband going to commit to counselling or GA? I don't know, just feels to me as though too much pressure is being put on you, to keep him on the straight and narrow. I know other members have partners controlling the finances, an essential arrangement, and that several have to, and are happy to produce receipts for every penny they spend. But at the same time the gambler is active on here, or attends GA or counselling. Best wishes.