Hi I'm really new to this and new to knowing anyone with an addiction and just wanted to partially vent but also get some advice as to whether the feelings I have are normal. So over the weekend, it came out that my partner has been gambling and now has a 20k+ debt. We've been together nearly 4 years and are very serious.The only reason me and his family found out is because he was taking money from work to fund his addiction. I came home on Saturday from being out all day to an empty flat, he wouldn't pick up the phone and on the 4th try his auntie picked up saying he was with her and in a bad way. Obviously, my mind thought the worst possible thing had happened, he was hurt or in hospital. She passed me over to him and he was in bits, manic, not making sense, but did tell me he'd written a letter which he had HID which i had to read whilst on the phone to him. Now the letter was awful, detailing how he had been lying TO MY FACE for months and is scared he might face criminal charges. Last year, he had his first experience with being in big debt through gambling of about 5k, he told his mum and kept me in the dark until i questioned his spending not making sense with his earnings. I felt SO hurt and numb but i believed him when he said he would never do this again and his mum helped him consolidate his debt and get a bank loan to pay it off monthly. We moved on together and he seemed to be doing well. So this time, he has not only lied to me every day as we live together about what he was looking at on his phone or pretending to go to the shops and going to the bookies, he AGAIN left me in the dark. What about me??? Am I not meant to be an important part of his life? We share a life, share finances, share everything but yet he ran away from me both times towards his mum and auntie. he keeps crying and apologising and saying (about himself) "this is a lot for me to process" EXCUSE ME you have been very aware of this for a long time, I'm the one who needs to process!!! I feel awful for saying this but I want him to face the consequences of his actions not cry and beg for everyone's sympathy. I want to punch him and hug him at the same time. I feel like I've been cheated on and don't know if I can forgive him. On top of this, because he stupidly took money from work and was caught, he is suspended pending an investigation and, let's face it, will be sacked. He won't have a job and income, which means we will have to give up our rented flat. So I will lose my home and will have no choice but to move in with his family. I'll probably have to quit my job too because of commuting. I am SO ANGRY he has taken away my right to choose. We don't have kids, a mortgage or a car. I love him and want to try but to be honest I have had problems in the past with mental illness and can feel the dark cloud coming back over my head. I can't imagine my life without him but I can't imagine our future anymore. Please can someone give me ANY advice on how i should make decisions/stay with him/will I ever forgive him? I'm so scared he's going to relapse in the future when we do have kids or financial ties. Is it, in your experience, worth the pain now to save the future turmoil? Thank you.
IHi....wow! You have a lot on your plate! I am very sorry you have to go through this, it's terrible. He has cheated on you not with another woman but with gambling. The lying, hiding stuff from you, the secrecy...all of this is called CHEATING!!! It's absolutely normal to feel angry to feel like punching him because he rightly so deserves it. It's also normal to think about giving him another chance. No one has the right to tell you what to do. It's your decision and yours only to be with him. But ask yourself some vital questions: Do you want a man who keeps running away from responsibility everytime he messes up? Do you want to risk your own mental health for someone who is so self-centered? He has lied and cheated before so what will be different this time? You can't imagine the future without him because you haven't tried it. Do yourself a favour and stop RESPECT yourself!
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​.....I meant: RESPECT yourself! The word "stop" was from another idea that I chose not to right it down. Also I would like to add something that you might find hurtful but in time you will understand: It's a BLESSING you don't have children or important finanxial ties. I walked away from my toxic relationship I found it easier meaning less painful because I didn't have children and I've been with my partner for more than 10 years. This addiction has NO CURE but there are waysbof controlling it. Even then you can NEVER completely relax around a person with such an addiction. Thinking of you. Wishing you all the best!...and keep writing...it helps you and helps all of us here
I agree with Elisabeth. U don't have any real ties to him or his family. Why should u have to live with them? Any decision you have to make now, think about making it if u were in a more serious financial and/or family/marriage relationship with him. Because if you do stand by him and he doesn't face up to things u are just causing yourself and possibly any children you have together a lot of harm and you will likely have to make a decision like this time and time again but made harder by more serious ties to him. His mum knew before and didn't tell you. That is completely irresponsible of her and disrespectful. She probably had good intentions by keeping his secret but look what has happened.
I would take some time out away from him and his family to process what you need, get ontop of your own mental health and only make a decision after some time and when you have some head space.
Thank you both for your replies. I will take into consideration your comments however right now I can't process the thought of leaving him - probably because I never wanted this situation or have thought about leaving him before. And i guess all addicts are self-centered in some way, but I want to think that is the illness and not the person. He has always put me first in every other aspect of life and he is going to GA meetings, the GP, counselling and debt advice. His family are so supportive and have been through many various traumas in the past (probably why they can help him more than me right now: experience). So living with them wouldn't be a problem for me, but obviously it is not the choice I would have made if I had been given one. On one hand I feel that as a girlfriend in a loving relationship I need to stick by him for "better or worse". But on the other I am panicking and feeling very anxious about the future and not being able to rely on him for basic things. Reading this forum has been helpful but also freaked me out in terms of how many addicts relapse. I can't imagine what it would be like to have to deal with this time and time again with other contributing factors - and as a child of divorce it is one of my top fears in life.
Am I being ridiculous feeling all these things at once? I love him so much and want to support him but I can't believe he has done this to me.
And I think you're right that I need time away to concentrate on my mental health. I'm making a GP appointment tomorrow and attending a meeting on Thursday - hopefully that will help...
Thanks
It sounds like you've been really badly affected & i would walk away in the same situation.
To be blunt, the guy has lied to you, has been leading a double life, has at the bare minimum caused you to face living with family for a while & for what?
I think for better or worse only counts if it's not self inflicted.
Sorry if it's not the advice you're looking for but i think you've been treated badly & deserve better.
Hi
Has he taken practical measures to eliminate his access to cash and gambling? He should be getting plenty of advice on doing so from his GA meetings. A CG who wants to stop will do anything and everything it takes. If he hasn't done any of it, be wary.
You don't need to stick by him if he's not making the effort. A CG who doesn't want to stop will tell you what you want to hear and then go straight back at it. He's already lied, cheated and stolen to feed the addiction. Read up all you can especially about what happens when a CG won't stop then think long and hard about what you want and deserve from a life partner.
Morning,
How are you getting on? Did you get to the meeting? They really do help if you keep going.
GC offer counselling for OHs and it's worth taking up. One of the problems that we f&f have is that our tolerance levels are very high, often higher than is healthy. The standard advice is to keep the focus on us, not the gamblers, and it's worth looking at our own needs and our expectations of ourselves and of a life partner and whether they're being met.
CW
Hi,
You say that he puts you first in every other aspect of life. This isn't what you want to hear, but gambling affects all areas of life and tbf what aspects of life are really left after the money has gone, trust has gone and his attention on gambling 24/7 (even while not at the bookies it intrudes on everyday life) has gone?
In my experience, my husband has been gamble free for almost 4 weeks and attending GA for over a week. We are not living together but speak everyday as he has lots of contact with kids. Already I am seeing the difference in his attitude and can see even more clearly just how selfish he was. His mind is not on gambling and it has opened up to being on other things. So you may think your life and relationship is good except for this one issue....but gambling is the only major issue.....it cannot be isolated. Some distance will help you to re evaluate things and how life has been recently for you, you were (like me) probably lying to yourself and not facing up to being in denial and unhappy.
You are not married and have not made the 'for better or worse' committment. However, I appreciate that when you love someone it is very difficult to accept that things need to end. Love yourself first. Say you did have a duaghter in the future and she grew up and came to you and told you all that you have written above. Honestly what would your advice be to her? That will help you.
Yes this is an incredibly confusing time. Try not to overthink your overthinking.
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