What do I do?

Hi

Sorry to see you are facing this. It's rubbish when we find out what's been going on behind our backs. First thing to say is it's his problem to fix. You need to prioritise your own financial interests. Taking on his debt leaves you in the vulnerable position of being liable for it and in fact bailing out a CG (we've pretty much all been there) very rarely ends well. A gambler will play all the time someone else pays and it could very well end up a better option for you taking an increased mortgage rate on the chin and leaving him liable for the debt.

It's not in your interests to be too understanding. He can get support, understanding and the very plain talking he needs from people who have been where he is via counselling and GA. Focus on you and what you need starting with full financial transparency and ironclad control. You can't stop him gambling if he's determined to but you can insist on your needs for full financial disclosure (can you be sure he's not hiding further debt?) and anything else you deem necessary being met. Don't trust a word he says without seeing independent proof for yourself. If he has an ounce of self awareness he will understand.

Hi treetop you sound very calm. It's not advisable to take on his debt. It will be in your name and when he can't pay you will be responsible. He should be the one sorting his debt out. You should keep your savings safe. I have been hoodwinked many times as well, but this is not your fault and you have nothing to be guilty for. Lock down finances so that he can do no more damage.

Thanks both.

I might be hopelessly naive but I do want to trust him. While I don't want to take on his debt and am worried about how much of a risk this is - the money troubles we now have are going to negatively affect us both. Especially when it comes to remortgaging next year, not to mention the costs of childcare (I didn't want to go bck to work fulltime but now I'm not sure I have a choice which is one of the worst parts of this whole sorry mess) so I don't really feel like it's much of a choice. Our mortgage advisor has told us to avoid a debt repayment plan as much as we can, which means I have to help cover the losses or we'll really struggle with our mortgage next year.

He's showing all the signs of wanting to change, and he's the one going to GA, adding me to his accounts etc. He's never taken money from our joint accounts - it's always been loans and overdrafts etc.

But I had no idea he had been doing this for a year so as much as I have every faith in him not gambling again. That's how I felt last time and if having a baby hasn't stopped him, maybe I'm just being daft.

Hi treetop no one can say they won't gamble again. You have to live just for today. Learn all you can about addiction. Take charge of the accounts, stop his access. Unfortunately either way you sound as if you will be the one covering his losses. You are looking at working more, you are looking at taking out loans, you are the one worrying. I don't agree I'm sorry. Mortgage, bills, living expenses first. Gambling debt last. There's no point in struggling if a debt management plan is better. You can get advice without committing. Get him to speak to stepchange and find out for sure how it affects remortgaging. Adding debt to your mortgage costs more and takes longer to pay. This is not your debt, it's his. You're not being daft, you're being too trusting. As I said before if you take the debt he's free to play.

Hi again

Unfortunately wanting it to go away so you can trust him isn't going to make it happen. Active CG's are arch manipulators. They will look you in the eye, tell you everything you want to hear then be right back at it without batting an eyelid which is why you must secure the finances and establish the true extent of the debt. I agree with MGR that there's no reason for him (him - not you) not to at least take advice from a debt charity. Stepchange are well regarded here. Mr L's experience was with Payplan who were also excellent.

He may not have stolen from the joint accounts so far but there's a saying in GA - 'I haven't done that...yet'. It's a progressive addiction and a CG who's determined to gamble doesn't care where the cash comes from. Seems to me you are doing all the worrying and planning here. What is he doing to block his access to gambling? Has he sat down with you to self exclude permanently from every account he has, suggested you set passwords for devices and blocking software? Adding you to accounts isn't enough. Secret bank accounts and loans are all too common so you will need to have full access to and control of every account shown on the credit reports from all three agencies.