I'm not sure why I'm writing this or what I'm hoping to get from this......but maybe it will help. I'm married, with 4 children under 7 to a man who I guess looking at it now has always had an "acceptable" interest in gambling! I hate gambling- don't get the interest in playing poker/ roulette etc so have always been against it. He plays poker twice a week which in our town costs 25 a game (so I'm told). A number of years ago he took money from our savings (a large amount that was for a home improvement) and over a period of time he lied about working late and one night admitted he had spent it all. I was so so angry but overtime believed that he would never do it again. Convinced me it was the casino/roulette machines that were the problem. If I complained about poker- I was stopping him having any hobbies, no life outside the house.
Fast forward to today- he owns his own business and got a loan for a company van- he has spent this loan 12000, used his mams credit card (behind my back) to buy "materials" 2500 and gambled it all- he also owes thousands in work. So there's a massive loan to be paid back for yrs to come with no van to show for it and debts now also ............I feel sick. I feel angry. I don't feel like helping him (financially I can't anyway). I'm so careful with money because I work part time and with 4 small children it's so difficult. I hate him for doing this. He CHOSE TO gamble. He CHOSE to lie.
What do I do?
Morning,
Sorry to hear what's been happening. Like many on this side of the forum, I also found the lies and the undermining of my own common sense to be the worst parts of the gambling nightmare.
This situation hasn't arisen because he enjoys an occasional harmless game of poker with his mates. You know this and you should rely on your own judgment. From what you describe, your husband is a compulsive gambler. He feels a need to gamble and he can't win because he can't stop. On the odd occasion when he is "winning", he will keep on playing until it is all gone. Why does he tell you that you're trying to stop him from enjoying his leisure time? Because he needs to use (gamble) and telling you this helps him justify continued gambling.
Start with the three Cs: you haven't Caused his gambling, you can't Control his gambling and you can't Cure his gambling. Move the focus over to you and keep it there. Your problem is not how to "make" him stop - you can't because he places the bets and only he can stop placing the bets. You can't stop for him. Your problem is how to cope with the situation that you're in, how you deal with the effect that he's having on you, how you set boundaries as to what you'll tolerate going forward. It's big and you need to take care of you and the children. Running after him leads to chaos and helps no one.
The starting point for coping is to get the help and support that you need. Call the helpline, read round the forum, go to GamAnon meetings so that you are as well informed as possible and RL in contact with others in the same position. From there, you can make the best decisions for you and your children.
More practically, a few tips. Do not take on responsibility for his debts. He ran them up and it's helpful for him to understand the link between him feeling financial hardship and him gambling. Put another way, the gambler will play as long as someone else pays. Directly or indirectly. I ended up paying all household bills and freed up his money for gambling. Mistake.
Do protect yourself financially as best you can. Get credit reports in your name and his. You can't believe what he tells you so make no apologies for relying on the information in documents such as bank statements or credit reports. Do not rely on what he tells you. Have an account that he can't access in your name and use it for household spending. He should contribute to it but not access it behind your back, be careful with passwords..
Don't interrogate him. If he's going to gamble, he'll gamble regardless of what he tells you. And on the same theme, the people who understand him the best are fellow CGs at GA meetings, rather than you. If he's to stop, they should help him overcome the urge, rather than you.
Hope this helps.
CW
Hi
Sorry to see this. It's rubbish when it all comes to light. Sadly though there's no time to reflect on it all and take it in slowly, at least at first. You need to take immediate action to protect your own and the children's interests which means shutting down any access he has to household finances, savings, cash or valuables. Sever as much financial connection with him as you can and don't take on any debt you could be liable for on his behalf. The debts are his to deal with. His mother needs to know the issue so he can't extract further funds from her. Likewise any other family members he could spin a sob story to. Once you've done that you have a little breathing space for further action including investigating the true extent of the debts and seeing what he proposes to do to address this.
Don't trust a word he says without seeing independent proof all is as he claims and put yourself first. All the time he's gambling you're the only one who will.
You can past through all this. I hope you're doing fine...
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