hi all,
So I’m new to this site but have a major problem. My partner is a gambler and has a huge problem which has been going on for years. Here’s my story. I met him two years ago. He had left the military and was living nearby working for a company about to go bust and was due to be made jobless any day with no pay off. He also rented a property from his boss so if the company went bust he would be homeless. A few months after meeting as I could see he was worried about all of this I suggested he move in. Then we had three months when he wasn’t paid due to the company being in trouble so I managed the bills on my own (if only I had known the truth)! I insisted in month three he found another job but a mess up with their pay toll meant the wasn’t paid for three months at this point I get suspicious and discover the six months money has been gambled. It also turns out he no longer speaks to family over this, and his ex wife left over this. We have since struggled until I took control of his finances work paid money to me and I saved it and repaid old debts (two house repossesions are involved) then he gets a fine from the dvla stupidly I gave him the money to pay it resulting in him defaulting, going to court still not paying and me having high court enforcement bailiffs at the door! Last summer he found his dream job, going self employed. I set an ultimatum he could do it but he got help and didn’t ever gamble again anyway, almost a year later, he has no tax money for his tax return and had gambled every penny his work are now after him for thousands of pounds worth of rent so I’ve set up an agreement where he works for free for them. In the meantime he’s got another job cash in hand to fund his addiction. I’ve tried to get help from the military, from the nhs and every charity I can. He will take antidepressants but won’t go to counselling or ga meetings. I recently thought I’d had a breakthrough my grandad passed away and he stopped between the death and the funeral but has started again since he owes £3,000 to work before we even worry about anything else!! Has anyone else been in a similar position? Crying, losing my temper and being understanding just doesn’t work
Hi Annie sometimes it's really difficult to read these stories. So a similar situation? No. My husband is a cg but I have never sorted his debts, made deals for him. He's an adult, he can sort his own debt repayments. The only person you can change is you. Ultimatums and demands never work. A cg will only stop when they want to, or when they reach rock bottom. So if he'd lost his home with the job it may have helped him. But you rescued him. You paid the bills. So he knew you'd pay while he played. You want him to go to gp, GA, counselling. What are you willing to do? You have to stop helping him, stop paying his share of the bills, stop arranging his repayment 'deals'. It's not ok for a partner to behave in this way. He needs to take responsibility for himself. You need to look after you and change your reaction to his gambling. You can call gamcare and get some counselling, you can find a gamanon meeting and get help and support for you.
Hi,
thank you for replying he’s been on the streets before it’s not helped. The only thing I can think that would teach him a lesson is to stop buying food but that just seems cruel to me
Hi Annie I don't think you should punish him or judge. The point I'm trying to make is the change has to come from you. I've made numerous mistakes and have tried to learn from them. The best thing I did was go to a gamanon meeting. That's where I learnt what not to do. The thing is if he's not wanting to stop he won't. There has to be a point where enough is enough. If he won't seek help and you continually sort everything out, he'll let you. Stopping access to money was a big change but not foolproof. The question is why are you allowing this? Why is it ok for him to gamble, you sort everything out and he takes no responsibility? You made a deal he could be self employed and not gamble again. What was the consequence if he gambled? As you say ultimatums, crying, being sympathetic doesn't work. This addiction is a lifelong problem. This will not get better. If he doesn't actively seek help through whatever route he chooses, this will not stop. While he refuses help he's denying himself and you any quality of life. This affects you too, therefore you also need to seek help.
Hi
This ends when you want it to. You can't fix him or save him. He's the only one who can help himself and he has to want to. All the time you run round doing the things that are his reponsibility he has no incentive to change things.
He's spent the tax and rent money? He figures out what to do. He'll manage something. CG's are master liars and manipulators. Your priority is you. How do you want to live? What do you want from a relationship? All the time he's gambling he won't be providing it. Your choices lie with what you're prepared to tolerate.
Thank you all for your input it’s really helpful. I get the lying and manipulating part it’s always my fault he gambled never his and told me yesterday he was at work late when actually he had been paid and headed to the bookies before I got home and transferred money to my account. I’ve never helped with debts except to get a bailiff off my doorstep as I didn’t want to lose all the things I’ve worked hard for. So basically it’s stop whining about it and wait until he sees sense or I guess chuck him out and hope he survives?
No it's about you changing your reaction.
Hi merry go round I’m quite new to all this. I’ve been in this relationship 18 months and have known about it for about a year it’s been a lot to get my head around. I’m not 100% sure I understand the advice you’re all giving. I’ve tried every reaction apart from you’ve only gambled a grand this month. Why stop there darling, keep going until someone files for bankruptcy. I’m crying myself to sleep at night or I’m awake all night worried about debt collectors at the door. I’m really at chuck him out and hope we don’t get anymore snow stage now
The truth is any reaction has and will have no impact on him until he's ready to change his behaviour and nothing you have said indicates that. The only thing you can control is the way you react to the chaos. You are the rational one in this and there's nothing to lose by calmly stating your case and refusing to be deflected by any dramatics but be prepared for it not to sink in.
Secure your finances. Don't bail him out. Buy goods in your sole name and keep every receipt so you can prove they are yours. This will give you breathing space to come to the right decisions for you.
I really feel for you ... It's awful... I was constantly blamed for my behaviour that made him gamble... We would argue... He would call me crazy and tell me I needed help... After this happening for ages and him turning it around which is what they do to compensate how lousy they feel... I got help.... He went into meltdown ... He knew then that whenever he would gamble he could no longer use me as a factor .. It's helped me... I have over phone counselling from break even... I had an awful call on weds to my counsellor where I cried the whole way through ... He is helping ... He's helped me see that it's not me... I don't cause any of this ... I am powerless in all this as I am sure you are too... It's frustrating .. To the point where we are st crisis point and Iv told him I don't think I want to be with him anymore... This is not to get s reaction... This is how I feel now... Hardest part is walking away from someone I love ... It kills me... Iv never had to walk away from someone I love so much ... I hate this addiction... It's not him..,, it's the addiction.... My partner says he wants to stop but part of me thinks he only says that as he knows the awful consequences of losing his whole family .... I'm not giving him ultimatums .. they don't work... But all I can do is be true to him and tell him how much this is destroying me and our family ... I hope you get some sort of resolution ... Xx
Thank you only his bank account and his debts are in his name everything else is in my name. I’ve refused to bail him out of anything his issue last night was because he owes work 3,000 has gambled 1,000 gave me 300 and whilst I’m happy to give his work the 300 I have I refused to pay the remaining 2700 for him. Apparently I drive him to gamble as I complain he leaves the plug in the sink or the toilet seat up. It’s so frustrating I just want him to stop! I’m in my 30s and have lost two close friends to cancer and just feel we all have one shot at this and he is wasting his on all this. I’m sick of seeing bailiffs and rising debt. I’m sick of feeling anxious for his payday. I’m also sick of my family giving him money for birthdays or Christmas and constantly making excuses why we’ve not been away. I left an abusive relationship and spent years single to end up in what is essentially another abusive relationship! Sorry I need to rant this is the first time I’ve spoken to anyone about this. I feel so alone and alienated and I’ve done nothing to deserve this.
Oh holhol this is how I am I’ve stopped ultimatums but have told him after a previous post on this thread I will only foodshop for me. I cry buckets over this as I love him so much but I’m so torn I want to walk away but know he will be on the streets if I do. I feel so powerless I’m not saying anyone else here isn’t but I’m an intelligent woman how the hell did I get here? My partner lost two houses, his entire family and his wife over this. I’ve never been married but imagine that’s a greater love than what we have so what hope do I have? He stopped for two weeks between my grandads death and funeral and I was so happy told him every day how proud I was. Soon as the funeral is over boom back to the bookies!
It's the grip of addiction .. I told my other half yesterday ... To think of his greatest loss in gambling ... That feeling he had .. Then multiply it by 10... Because that is how he will feel when he has to leave his kids and me... He will end up with nothing... Is this worth all that grief .. It's so scary ... That they have to reach rock bottom before they will accept help... Mine has help.. He pays for a private counsellor ... I asked him why does he still gamble ? He said he doesn't know ... So the sessions arnt working In my eyes... It's easy to read your story and tell you to run for the hills... I'm sure most people would at my story ( posted In here ages ago) it's another thing living through it... I'm struggling.... I'm intelligent ( bar my writing on here when ranting) so he cannot get anything past me.. I even found a secret bank account linked to pay day loans and hacked Into them ( he brings out my crazy ) it's one of the worst things to try and live through and some days I often think why I didn't run when I first found out ? Would have been so much easier ... That comment about his wife , house made me feel for you... you shouldn't feel like that... He obviously loves you just as much if not more ... It's just this sick awful evil addiction has them in their grips ! Call and get Couselling ,., I have a counsellor via Breakeven and he really is amazing ... Although he can't take away the hurt and pain... He can at least explain to me that I am not the cause of this !! I spent years wondering why I drove him to do this ... It's not anything we do... It's merely how they cope ... To blame other people ... i wish I could give you a hug... Hug it out and cry together lol... I spoke to my mum this evening .. Told her the last year Iv had as she thought he was over it ... I feel better ... Iv also told her to not text me asking if I'm ok... I don't want to talk about it to People , I want to express it all.. Then talk again in my own time to them... She understands .. Although has text me this evening telling me she wants to message him... Which doesn't help... Sometimes venting helps... Sometimes it helps to forget it all and carry on living in a bubble Which Iv done for a year as I can't bear my baby and my older daughter having their happiness taken away.. So I pretend it's all ok.. But it does come to a head like it has now.... If only they knew the torture we go through... Sad thing is I think they know but this addiction makes them blind to it ... Xx
Oh this is all so horrendous no one I know knows about this as their advice would be to cut my losses and go so I’m living this double life where everyone thinks everything is rosy when it’s not but it also means I have no support I talk to his mum when I’m low which makes the gambling worse. I know if he ever saw this post it would also make it worse. I was in such a bad place yesterday I honestly thought my best option would be to throw myself off a bridge!
It's not right you feel like this.... My heart breaks for you... There is life after this... If you feel that bad then you need to do what is right for you! If the situation makes you feel like this you really do need to run... Iv felt low a lot over this but my kids keep me going .... It's not fair that he's not willing to even try... He's not ready... I at least have some hope mine wants to Change... Please call the helpline and get in touch with someone you can talk to... I promise it will help ... You may then even get strength and realise you can't live like this and then move on .... It's not fair Xxx
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