Wish I had the strength

Hi worried my husband did the same but his father bailed him out and I found out about it years later. You don't have to make rash decisions at the moment. What will help you is getting support. Can you go to a gamanon meeting? Call gamcare and talk to someone. Sometimes on the road to recovery gamblers relapse. The problem here is that you are relying on him to confess or get help. You need the help too. Putting yourself first and safeguarding finances is important. Does he have any blocks in place? Has he handed over finances? Have you done credit reports? Does he go to GA? Signed up to gamstop? These are all signs that a gambler wants to stop. Counselling and continuing gambling are not. You can't sort this out overnight, you have to learn a different way to tackle the problem. Walking away doesn't change anything, you will repeat the same in the next relationship, that is not saying it's wrong to want to leave. The change needs to come from you, you need to get stronger and get support. It's almost impossible to do this alone.

How is do I need to get stronger? I am strong.

I fail to see how this is my fault merry when I’m not the one with the problem. He has done that. Both his mum and I control the finances, he declared bankruptcy, and completed a treatment programme.

Since his slip up he is refusing to attend again to work on his issues, which he hasn’t fully addressed as he is resorting back to this way of coping. I constantly check in with him to ensure I’m supporting him the best I can.

I fail to see how this is a supportive forum if you’re blaming me and saying I’ll take this into my next relationship? How? Are you attempting to say I’m the cause of his issues?

im working on myself and have been seeing a councillor since August last year which is how I was able to regonise the behaviours.

Trust me when I say I’ve been dealing with this enough to know slip ups happen. But my concern is the promises that were made are not going to be fufilled and I’m still stuck in this cycle.

I completely regret reaching out for support.

No it's not blame. Your counsellor should be helping you with these issues. What I'm saying is I can't change anyone but myself. I can change my situation. It's up to me. Waiting or expecting a gambler to stop and change is out of your control. We do repeat behaviour. Why are you so angry at me?

Echo MGR that it takes two to tango in a dysfunctional relationship. The suggestion is that maybe you were drawn towards incompetence and dysfunction, that maybe you want to mound him into your fantasy of what he could be, rather than looking at what he actually is. Is he really a good partner and father, when his first loyalty is to the next fix, ahead of your family’s best interests? Given a choice, would he play with the baby or place a bet? And is he really there for you as an equal life partner? Or are you tolerating and even expecting less than you deserve?

The three Cs of AlAnon: I didn’t Cause it, I can’t Control it and I can’t Cure it. Whether he gambles or recovers is for him. You’re not gambling or making him gamble but you do seem to be taking on a lot of responsibility that’s not yours. He’s not some sort of marionette that you control by what you say or do, he’s his own person with his own responsibility as a mature adult. As are you.

We f&f don’t Cause, Control or Cure it but we need to learn how to avoid participating in it and how to become emotionally healthy. Best learnt at GamAnon and CoDA meetings.

The advice may not be what you’re expect or want to hear but it’s based on experience.

CW

If you and his mum control the finances where is he getting the funds from? Is it possible he's manipulating his mother into giving him funds?

From what you say he doesn't want to stop and if that's the case he will look you in the eye and lie about what he's doing. You can't trust him but constant checking on what he's up to will drain you and you need your energy for you so if the finances are protected leave the responsibility for his behaviour where it belongs - with him. Don't feel you have to support him if you can't or if you don't want to. Mr L gets his support from his GA meetings.

You don't have to rush into a decision. Think about what you want, need and deserve from a partner and how you want life to be bearing in mind an active CG who won't give up can't provide it.

Merry, I’m sorry. I’m not in a fantastic place and I just lashed out so I’m sorry. We had just got into it before I read your reply and I think I took it out on you. Hard thing about things being in writing as it more felt like an attack that anything supportive. Which I can read back now and know it was not meant in that way. I’m sorry. I can see what you mean about my behaviour, I will just allow it to happen again if I don’t fully address my issues.

From what I understand Lethe is he did manipulate his mum into giving him a new card which allowed him to gamble online. I didn’t know this.

thats why have titled this I wish I had strength. I’ve been in a pattern for so long and that’s why I reached out. I know I have contributed to dysfunctional behaviour, and I want to stop. But it’s hard to break that cycle. My logical head is screaming at me but like CW said I have this idea in my head.

We have been together much longer than the addiction CW so I was not drawn to that aspect of trying to fix him at the beginning. However I think part of the reason I have stayed I think is because I wanted to help fix and make things better. Which cannot be done.

CW, I think you’re right. I think I have the idea of who he used to be and who I wish he was. Because when it comes down to it since the relapse happened he hasn’t had anything to do with our son. He hasn’t wanted to be around him. And you’re right, he would pick that over us.

There’s no magic formula for getting the strength but Twelve Step meetings are vital. Being with people in the same position who get it in a way that well meaning friends may not. Try CoDA as well as GamAnon.

For you as him, it comes from within. It’s about knowing your own value, knowing who you are, what you stand for, what matters to you and what doesn’t, what you need, want and deserve, from knowing all of that, you can decide if he fits in and if so, where.

Focus on you.

CW

We have all been where you are. I go to meetings. My husband chose to handover finances. That hands over responsibility. I know that I took it because I wanted the bills paid. I'm under no illusion if he wants to gamble he will. They can get money from wherever they choose too. They choose to gamble. My husband had many accounts cards, post sent to work. Gambled loans. I learnt that having finances is not foolproof. There's no point asking a gambler if they've gambled or why. They lie. I had to learn detachment. They don't gamble to hurt us, they gamble to escape, to get their fix, because they can. What you have to do is not let it affect you. We all think they weren't like that at the start. They were, but it's just got worse and it now affects us. To be strong is to not let it affect you, don't enter the argument, that's playing the game. Be strong in your choices whether you stay or go. We all have choice, I chose to stay. It's no picnic but once you take a step back and concentrate on yourself you will feel better.

Thank you so much CW and Merry. I do need to take a step back and look at myself and focus on me.

I need to be a better person for my son and for myself.

youre so right Merry, I keep putting it on me and I need to detach my self from that. It’s not me.

I’m going to book in for some emergency councilling tomorrow. So hopefully I can un pack this and break it down better. I’ll reach to see get into some meetings as well.

Again, thank you both for your advice.