Worried about my boyfriend

I dont really think anyone can tell me what I dont already know, I;ve told him I'll be sad to leave him but I cant carry on like this and wont be dragged down with him drowning. Is there any hope. I know ultimatums arent ideal but it is basically so I can make a choice as to whether to continue with my emotional support.

you have answere it yourself, I think you have tried, nothing you say or threat is stopping him and if I’m honest, he doesn’t seem too bothered!

I get tears, self loathing, promises to change, telling me how much I mean to him, how he wants to be a better man for me. That he only gambles so he can win money to treat me............having read a fair few posts now it all sounds familiar.

I have given him 2 weeks and from what he's said he is looking into finding somewhere else to live- though the suggestion was initially met with hostility and him telling me I was blackmailing him into leaving his home, I do think he is bothered but I guess I'll see how bothered. I literally couldnt have done more to help him if tried. Even bought his car back from the bankruptcy service. We just go round in circles. There has to be a change or I'm done.

Good luck to you, stick to your guns, there are no children involved. Go and live your life the way you deserve. All gamblers tell lies, some on a small scale some on an extortionate scale. If you were my daughter I would beg you to get out x

I actually have 2 children but they are mine. I left my ex husband because he was a lazy selfish waste of space (but not a gambler) I have a good job and my own home and no financial ties to this man other than the money he owes me but I will cut my losses if need be - I could take his car back to compensate a little. I do see the man he is capable of being but until he helps himself and makes those changes he is just a drain on my emotions and finances- money I should be spending on my children!

I hope he has enough reflection to fight for us but I am too weary. It will hurt like hell to leave him but if I dont stand strong its only prolonging the inevitable cycle of broken lies and trust and I'll despise him.

You are so wise, good luck, hope all goes well x

You sound like a very wise amazing woman and your partner obviously doesnt realise how lucky he is. Give him a little more time to either (a) prove himself to you or (b) give him enough rope to hang himself. You get one shot at this life, you obviously work extremely hard and sound like a fantastic mum. Dont sell yourself short and live with the emotional and financial black hole you are currently with. You sound like you deserve so much better. All the best however it turns out xxx

Hi Sparkes81,

I was a gambling addict for 23yrs and spent the last 10yrs of my gambling life promising my wife the world and delivering nothing when it came to change. I was very manipulative in order to keep my buzz alive. I took out endless loans in mine and my wife's name towards the end and caused my wife to have an emotional break down due to the fear and anxiety she had to live with. No one can say whether your partner is at the point of change but his actions aren't really showing it at present. I had to reach the point of considering suicide for me to get the help I needed so that I was free of this obsession/compulsion. Im pleased to say that my wife and myself are currently living a happy, joyous and free life 9yrs on from my last bet. The road to recovery is far from easy but it's absolutely possible to achieve with the right support to enable change.

As other people have said it's ultimately your choice but please don't keep threatening things and not following through because he'll know he can just continue and you'll live with it.

I really wish you all the best and hope you continue to post updates and use this site for support. X

Thanks for all your comments! I have no intention on not following through. I have inadvertently enabled him enough. I set a deadline because I know that I have a soft heart and it's doing me and him no favours. If he can't grow a back bone then I must. Ultimately even if I leave I hope being alone will be enough to make him come to his senses but I've come to realise the only person whose choices and happiness I am responsible for is my own. Looking at the stages he has not progressed as far as he might but stealing or "borrowing " as he see a it from me is my bottom line. I do understand it's an illness. My mum passed away from cancer nearly 3 years ago and I've had to overcome a lot to drag myself out of my own self destruction but that's taught me only I can make the choice and same with him. He has all the love and support in the world sat here waiting for him but he needs to take that opportunity. I have told a number of friends about everything and my ultimatum so I won't be able to back down. I'm not prepared to be addicted to him

Hi sparkes81 if you read around the family and friends forum you will see that many partners ask theirs cgs to seek help. The person who needs help is you. He doesn't need to stop because you are sorting everything out for him. There are no consequences to his gambling. He will gamble with or without his flat mate. He probably doesn't want you to speak to his family because they already know or have also lent him money. Basic rules are to not give a gambler money, don't pay debts, don't pay their share. This is all enabling. A compulsive gambler is a liar, a manipulator, a charmer, a thief. You've done a lot of helping in a year. If you really want to know how to help him recover you need to find a gamanon meeting and stop the cycle of behaviour that you are participating in.

Thanks Merry go round. I take all that on board and I have made mistakes but no more. The flat mate has a lovely little coke habit that he hates indulging in alone.....fuel to the fire. I'm by no means an angel but together it is a toxic combination and far too much temptation. His family have a big holiday booked he's meant to go on.....He's not paid a penny yet and will have to come clean soon enough

I really feel for you. I've been married to a compulsive gambler for 20 years. We only learn by our mistakes. You are not to blame and in any other situation you would not need to lend your boyfriend money. Stop giving him money, paying his share and see what happens. Sometimes other addictions come along too. It's an emotional illness and not deliberate to hurt you.

Good luck sparkes, keep us updated with how things are going.

X

Well..........he spoke to someone at Gamcare yesterday evening. He said he went through everything including taking my money (I fully expect he dressed this up) and would consider himself a problem gambler but not necessarily addicted. I lost the plot a bit. He seems to think that he can carry on doing small football bets and shop betting is ok but the online gambling is the issue (I can see how this is the easiest way to lose more more quickly but........). I told him no. The way he's been with just limiting himself to football betting recently has been frankly boring and grumpy. Weekends spent in the pub with him constantly checking the scores on his phone (I'm happy to watch a match but this is obsessive behaviour with the constant checking) and the mood swings if even 20 mins into the game its not going his way (often football accumulators). I working in a betting shop for years whilst at university so I've seen all sorts. I said hes becoming boring and intolerable to be around, his putting gambling first and constantly letting me down, sponging money is too much. I have insisted he go to a meeting (this was part of my ultimatum) and offered to go with him/meet him after. I'm afraid when he tried to talk to me I just snapped. He is meant to be getting some money today for some work he did for a friend (payday next week) and I'm already anxious about this evening. Every penny should be coming to me but as weve not made plans yet I can see him sat in his flat blowing the lot and/or sticking some of it up his nose. I shouldnt have to worry about him being alone. I told him I'm losing respect for him and he's shown very little towards me. He's been with me everyday this week (cynically I think to get fed) and now I know he might have access to cash I'm expecting a dissapearing act. Everyone should be allowed thier own space but I just dont trust him on his own. I'm not expecting anything from this just wanted to get it out

Hi sparkes he doesn't want to stop. Why are you so desperate to help him? You've said you're not getting anything back. He's boring. He's constantly checking scores. What do you want in a partner? While he's behaving like this you are not having a normal healthy relationship. He sounds like he's quite a way along the road of addiction. Gamcare don't encourage complete abstinence, I've had counselling as a partner. In my experience and opinion this isn't realistic for a compulsive gambler. There is no point in setting time limits or ultimatums. Today is the only day that matters. My husband was similar when we first met, he bet on the football. He just became secretive. He continued for 20 years. Life with an addict is tough. You can't control him. He is manipulating you. If he does go out without you tonight what will you do? We all think it's up to the gambler to stop and to change. What are you going to stop doing? What are you going to change? I'm not having a go at you, I want you to think about yourself and your actions. You aren't happy, you're on a website for problem gamblers and their f&f. I've just read back through this thread and he's got money problems, bankrupt? He's never going to pay you back. Arguing and demanding certain behaviour from him will drive his compulsion. These were your first words "This is my first post. I've been with my boyfriend just over a year but I am at the point I may have to walk away to save myself." You don't trust him in his own? You can call gamcare too and talk to someone. Don't feel guilty.