Worried about my boyfriend

I am with him because I love him and know underneath the horrible person he's becoming is a kind gentle amzing person. I think this is all me disconnecting myself from him to be honest. He did say he wants to stop but thinks he can control it himself. Its interesting Gamcare dont promote complete abstinance I wasnt aware of that so shall do some more research. I appreciate how contradictory I sound. I love the man I met but the man he is becoming..........He is now debt free due to the bankruptcy I do believe if he could manage his finances/I manage them that he'll pay me back.........unfortunately paying me back and "treating " me are his main motivations for trying to win money. I have said "you never win because you never stop". I'm not arguing either by the way just trying to make sense of whats going on in my head. The ultimatum I made was for my benefit mostly. I never said "never gamble again" just to seek help and to try and help himself by removing himself from an environment where he is daily exposed to the very things he professes to want to avoid..........like an alcoholic in early recovery running a pub. They arent false threats, my support is there based on his wanting to help himself. I am now researched enough to know without his desire for change I am just wasting my time and energy. The time limit was to give him time to think and put his numerous words into action, if its not already too late to salvage anything between us.

I think I must have a messiah complex

The bankruptcy has set him free. Compulsive gambling is not about money. It's self medicating. It's the inability to cope with real life where they become numb. The problem is it comes with damage. Not only financially but mentally too. He cannot return to it at a later date, this is forever. Get some help for you as you may find you constantly repeat the same behaviour in every relationship past and present. We all deserve happiness. The point I'm trying to make is that if you don't change you will stay in this relationship repeatedly making mistakes.

Thanks and point taken. I was in a prior relationship for 13 years, married for 8. Although there were no addictions I am aware that I give too much to the point there is a lack of balance. I left that relationship because I wanted and deserved more. This relationship is very different but the similarities that do exist I can see but there has been a slow decline to the point I'm at now. I'm not sure how much of me stays for love and the fear of starting all over again again. I think I just need to get the thoughts straight in my head. Its such a shame, it started with such great potential and I thought this was the big love of my life (the connection and feelings are so much stronger than with my ex husband) and I'm crushingly disappointed that its turning out like this. I need to take responsibility for my own hapiness and wellbeing. I hate to give up but I cant force acknowledgement and recovery so the control freak in me needs to let go.

It's not about giving up it's about looking after yourself. You've done enough. You have a choice.

MGR is right, you have done enough, he is reating you like a mug!

So he is going to his first GA meeting tonight. Despite all thats been said I am glad he's going. I'm not sure if it will make a difference but I'm hoping hearing other people's stories might resonate. I showed him this post, he looked shell shocked. Whatever happens I hope he can help himself and not ruin his life. I think he is also going to move out of his flat and look to finding other activities to fill his time. I know noone else is responsble for his actions but being constantly in an environment that is encouraging drugs and gambling cant help. Not really looking for a response I just wanted to get it out. Despite everything I love and care for the lovely gentle man who's in there somewhere under the gambler.

At least he is now making an effort. See how it goes sparkles81, good luck!

If he does it again or you catch him again, imo it's time to go take care of you and the kids. He's had so many chances. Don't let him walk over you. Ok that's probably harsh but you have the kids to think of. I wish you well.

Hey sparkes81. I am in no position to offer you advice and would not dream of it. I gambled for 30 years and hid it from almost everybody. I did tell my partner (now ex) and she was very supportive. I told her her I was going to ga but never went as I was kidding myself I was not a compulsive gambler. She could never trust me, with good reason, and things were never the same. We lasted about another year and then went our separate ways. She is now happy in another relationship with a future. As a compulsive gambler I could never give her that. She always said that when I told her about my gambling she should have left straight away...and I agree with her. I would say do what is right for you and your children. Don't get dragged down with something that is out of your control. A compulsive gambler will always manipulate the situation to their own ends. Remember, you are not to blame. Stay strong.

Honestly, there is no way in hell your boyfriend will not screw you over again, he is not ready to change, and he needs to want to change for himself, not because of someone else. That is why this will fail. Recovery is so so hard and he is so far away from recovery it is a joke. Please take this from someone who has a problem.

I really hope you can make the right decision for you.

Thanks to the advice from Gamcare he decided not to abstain and just do football bets..........which then returned to slots because he wanted to prove to himself he could "control" it - he's pathetic, been breaking promises lying and despite coming out of GA positive then starts back tracking. I've got myself in a bind because of my ultimatum (which he adhered to) and he moves out of his flat Friday- meant to be staying in my home so I could help him. That's a joke. I dont expect any words of wisdom because I know this is a total mess and I should just get rid right now. I am trying to detach myself. When he's with me he's one person and away from me another entirely. Jekyl and Hyde. Urghhhh I'm so fed up I'm in this situation and so angry with him and annoyed with myself.

He’s meant to be staying in my home so I can help him? Red flag.

Why do you feel the need to help him at your own expense? He’s not a toddler and you’re not his mother. Mature adults can take care of themselves. There may be interdependence where two complete adults both decide to share a life and everything is mutual. One person sucking the life out of another and the second person allowing it or even seeking it is dysfunctional.

If you are whole and you know who you are, what you stand for, what your values are, what your dreams and goals are, from that position you could decide if he fits in and where.

Make it about you, not him. He’ll survive. And so will you.

CW

Wise words. Thanks CW I have a better frame of mind today. I spoke to gamcare and I'm going to have some counselling myself. My first husband (who I left eventually) and I had a very different relationship but there are similar traits that stand out - me always giving, trying to be a rescuer whilst he swung between persecutor and victim (if you know that triangle?). I dont know where this desire to fix has come from- perhaps low self esteem wanting them to feel endebted to me? I'm going to check out CODA as well. I need to fix me....oxygen masks and all that.