I have been gambling since I was 16 and it's time to quit finally. I've realised I have a problem for the last two years but still haven't been able to kick it. Here is my story. Father gambles and had the interest off him. None of my close friends gamble and it has always been something I do on my own. Sport is my interest but also.my downfall. You name it. I love betting on it especially football golf rugby and snooker. My first real notice of there was an issue with gambling was at about 23ish. On my way home from work I lost all my wages in a bookies and lied to my parents that I lost my wallet. Ever since I have always lied especially to myself about my losses and the consequences. I was single up until I was 34 so never really hurt anyone but then met my wife of 11 years. It's only recently I have appreciated the responsibility I have with two grown up step children. I knew I was hurting my wife but when you are in the zone it's escapism. It's been my release from boredom but also my downfall. As I love watching sport I think I can beat the bookies and have had good wins over the years. But as soon as you win you increase your stakes and it ends worse off. I have tried about 8 times to give up. This is the first time I think I genuinely want and need to as I'll lose my wife this time. I don't even enjoy it anymore but it's like my finger to the world when things have gone s**t.i took redundancy last year as ran up 20k or so in debt so cleared all our debts off to start again. A year later I'm back to about 600 pound The wife hasn't known about but I'm back to the slippery slope. Thats on top of the 300 a month ive been spending since may again.She has found out last week and I think I wanted her to find out as I didn't have the guts to tell her myself. We are now in a position to pay this back quite quickly but I'm now working in a supermarket after having a successful career. My wife is the breadwinner. I am a part time house husband so have had too much time to kill. I have suffered with anxiety and depression and this has gone hand in hand with my gambling. One feeds off the other. Work has helped my confidence but the gambling and lies and deceit linked to it drags me back down this vicious circle of depression and gambling. I've tried counselling and learnt and understand I gamble as escapism. But this has to stop once and for all. I have restarted playing snooker again which is my main hobby and will use this to escape from now on. It's been a week and an easy week as we have no money and the wife has the cards. Next Friday is payday so first major test begins then. Day 7 and counting. The longest I managed previously has been 2 months. Reading the forum has helped me understand the hate I feel about myself and I am not alone in trying to battle this addiction that only my wife really knows about. She has been amazing so don't want to do this anymore as the love is starting to visibly disappear in her eyes every time I relapse again. This has to be it and even if my wife decides to no longer stick with me I intend to keep going myself. This is my new journal so here goes and I wish everyone on here an on going success story.
Hi,
Thank you for sharing and welcome.
Slots is my vice (online).
I feel your pain as will a lot of us here, as good as family and friends are they don't understand the addiction unless they have been there. In relatively new to quitting myself but we are all in this together.
Best of luck
On reflection last night not even sure I've done my gambling justice. I've done counselling in the past but even done a placepots on the way there! I bet on horses occasionally if no sport on. Weirdly I've never got into machines as don't see the enjoyment but some how think I know what value is on sports. Lot of self reflection and self loathing over the years but always justified my gambling because of something someone else has done. It's always their fault. Isolated myself from old friends because of gambling and hasn't been a day where I haven't lied about either gambling or the lack.of money as a result of this. I'm very analytic so I do apologise if I go on but this is my release. I have found counselling not helped as it's once a week so need daily support. My wife has agreed to help me but doesn't understand my wiring where reading on here you guys totally do. Have to go to work now but it's day 8 and going strong. Arsenal and West Brom on later but will avoid it for now until I feel stronger.
Day 9 and so far so good. Spent half an hour on phone to gamcare advisor arranging counselling hopefully. Feeling strong but payday looming on Friday. Really feeling good about this but know I haven't had a bad day yet to test my resolve.
On day 10 and still strong. One thing I don't really understand from reading a lot of the online posts is self exclusion and the k9 blocking apps. It will help I'm sure but if someone really wants to gamble then there are so many websites available these days it's not difficult to move to a different site. Similarly with phones etc. They will always borrow a phone or pc to access it. It seems to me having no access to money is really the best way forward. However from personal experience again payday loans are always available to someone desperate enough to want to gamble. Took out payday loan of 300 pound in June. To try and hide it away pay 94 a month over 6 months to pay it back. Despite paying 2 months already I asked for settlement figure today....335 quid. More than I even started with. These companies are parasites and something should be there to help vulnerable people.
Hi nobbles this is what the gambling commission wrote in an email to me 'if you have any examples of specific circumstances regarding consumers taking out pay day loans whilst gambling, we may be able to look in to it further. In order to consider investigation we would need evidence. This would consist of things like gambling transaction records and bank statements that show the pay day loans going in to an individual’s account and then going out to the operator.' I guess if you want to pursue the unethical behaviour of payday loans the gambling commission might help. They also said contact your MP, ?
Thanks merry go round. Unfortunately my bank account only shows loans going in and back out to gambling companies sit wouldn't be hard to show. On the plus side by looking at these in the cold light of day I am ashamed of what I've done and gives me the strength to continue fighting it. My biggest battle is having that first bet as once I start I know I can't get back out o the spiral. Payday tomoorow tomorrow but worked the lack of money out with the wife tonight so all in place to not be dragged in.
Another day chalked up. Utterly ashamed today as showed wife my bank account to fully be honest. She had no idea as to the regularity and extent of my gambling. Marriage guidance is definitely needed now but she is still standing by me which is positive and I really hate gambling to put me in this position. One day more. 11 down but know it only takes a bad 5 minutes to spoil everything and back to square one. Even if we split up I honestly feel I can still want to beat gambling. Just for me. Keep battling everyone.
Two weeks done and still counting. Had a day off on my own today and didn't do a placepots or even look at it. After a weekend of sport I'm happy with progress. Spoke to gamcare and have telephone assessment tomorrow for counselling. It's actually easier than I thought at the moment as I genuinely hate what I have become due to this obsession. Only focused currently on being a better husband and man. Also don't have to dread any calls at home or letters through the post as for the first time ever I was completely honest. Still feel like there is a big hole in my life but filling up.my day with good deeds for others has helped my self worth today. Could this be my final new beginning at nearly 47??
3 weeks down today. Few issues at home as ramifications hit home but working through so all good. Even after a bad day or two not wanted to gamble so work in progress. Counselling been confirmed so waiting on a date to start. Feeling very up and down all the time lately. Taking dog out for the day to keep busy. Poor dog being walked like mad lately as trying to fill up my days. Feeling emotional today but as I keep seeing and believing others....odaat.
Keep at it nobbles, you're doing great!
I am at the start of my journey and with a load of extra worries on my mind, I hope I can push through them all without wanting to go back to my habit. Good luck 🙂
Thanks Burdock. The gambling side hasn't been too hard which surprised me but all the fallout of the money and the issues I've avoided because of the guilt of the gambling has been tough. Been lots of honest talking and still not confident the wife can put the past behind us. Irregardless gambling has ruled my life for 30 years and determined to break out of its grip. I dream about it and still think of odds etc when watching sport but the money aspect is sinking in. Each day at a time and hopefully everything will get easier. Good luck on your own journey Burdick and ironically I'm finding the more worries I have the less I think of the gambling. Unfortunately tho gambling was my escape so have to face all my other issues and if my marriage will survive head on. Only time will tell. Good luck to you and be kind to yourself.
Hi Nobbles
I can relate to so much about your story and even at one point thought I could of wrote that ! Like yourself I am also in last chance saloon with regards my marriage and 2 boys, something I very much don't want to lose. I am coming upto nearly 300 days GF but am aware it can rear its ugly head at any point, but so many people know about my situation now and I must say this time round I feel the more that know about my situation the better. In the early days I didn't know if my wife would take me back but not gambling was something I had to do for myself first and foremost and luckily she has given me a final chance, something I am not going to lose this time around ! I found that councilling gave me a lot of answers as to why I gambled but I had to be open and honest with everything in these sessions and I must say this has helped me very much on this long road to recovery. Also attending GA meetings helps and would say to yourself get along to one of these meetings if you can ?? I find these forums are also good to read, as it brings back memory's of where I don't want to be ever again. Hope you can sort things out and good luck with everything !!
All the Best
Darren
Darren. Thanks for that input. 300 days is fantastic. Must feel proud of that. Do you still feel the guilt self loathing etc or have you been able to put it behind you.? I'm working on things but still know it's a long road ahead. Do you still think the same way or able to put the odds etc. behind You? REALLY interested to see how it feels after 300 days and not just 24.
Hi Nobbles
Yeah you still do feel the guilt, self loathing and everything else that come with it from time to time but it does get easier the longer we are GF, it's not so much us that it hurts that much but our loved one's. I've just gone 302 days GF now and I must say it's seems like you can't escape anything to do with gambling in the early days but now I don't have any thought of odds or who I might of backed 1st goal scorer when I'm watching football for example and feels so so good. Hope you are still GF and will keep a look out for your updates.
All the Best
Darren
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