4 weeks clean today!

Hi all,

I'm new to the site having struggled with gambling since I was 18 at university. 6 years on I've had some big changes in my life and it's time for me to finally prove that I can kick this addiction.

My gambling started at university with placing accas on the football with a friend. It started as a bit of fun on a Saturday afternoon, each putting a fiver on and vowing we'd split the money if the acca came in. Gradually the betting increased, by Christmas 2015 I was often putting on 4 accas a week with Champions League/ Europa League/Cup games. I was also starting to play online Roulette/Blackjack/ Slots which was where my real issues started. My rent for my student accommodation took me into my overdraft where I've been ever since. This wasn't helped by the fact I was very irresponsible with money during my first couple of years at uni. Luckily due to me having a student account I've had no fees to pay on my overdraft until very recently. I began seeing gambling as a way of getting me back out of my overdraft. The worst moment of this first bad spell came when I was ill in my first year. I barely got out of bed for three days and spent the entire time on the same roulette game. After building up enough money to take me out of my overdraft, I didn't know when to stop and ended up losing £700 in a couple of spins of the wheel. I was immediately going and depositing more money into my account to chase my losses again. This cycle continued for almost two years. I pushed away friends and family who tried to make me admit to the problem I had and my friends that I had made at university enjoyed a bet too so gambling was all around me. After almost two years I decided I needed a change. I had begun to realise I had a problem and decided to take a placement opportunity away from uni for a year. I was able to move back to my parents and met a new partner.  I admitted my struggles with gambling to her and she supported me with closing down my accounts. Throughout my time on placement however I began to struggle mentally, working in what was quite often a very stressful and toxic environment at placement, plus the placement was unpaid which meant I took on a bar job working nights. I was barely seeing my family or my girlfriend and often worked till 12/1am in the pub, then a 30-45 minute drive home while needing to get up at 6am for my placement. During this time I started new accounts and began gambling again behind my family and friends' backs. My partner eventually found out and almost left me. This was a huge wake up call for me and for 2 years, whilst I kept the accounts open, I was able to control my urge to bet. I was feeling positive about the future, graduated university and completed my training for my dream career as a music teacher. Lockdown was definitely a tough time where being stuck in the house with my then in-laws and the financial uncertainty that came with furlough made it very difficult to resist the urge and while I did go back to the roulette and Blackjack it was nowhere near as bad as before.

Fast forward to April this year and my then partner of nearly 4 years told me that she couldn't be with me anymore. She blamed numerous things including my commitment to work and the fact she never felt she could trust me to have fully given up gambling. She walked out 3 months before we were due to get married and I later found out she was seeing my best friend, who was also going to be my best man. She left me in a huge hole financially with the house, bills etc... to pay for myself. I became extremely low and began using betting as an escape and a way to try and get myself back onto a more stable footing financially. There were times I could blow hundreds in a matter of days. I felt as though there was nobody I could talk to about the situation I was in as when my family had tried to speak to me before I had pushed them away and couldn't stand the shame of having to tell them how much I was struggling. The summer holidays where I was away from teaching and didn't have that to focus on were particularly difficult. 

The final straw came a few weeks back. I had recently started dating a new girl and a couple of weeks in bought us tickets to see one of our favourite bands. A few days and some unexpected large payments later, I realised these payments would max out my overdraft with payday about 10 days away, the day after the gig. I desperately tried to get a loan online, however nobody would accept me due to my credit score being through the floor. I suddenly realised how far I'd sunk - after working so hard to keep my gambling under control for so long I'd ended up here. I vowed that I would start to work towards paying back my debts. The following week I placed my last bet, knowing that it was Danni's birthday coming up and I could buy her the present I'd had my eye on for a couple of weeks. I instantly felt so guilty after putting the bet on - that night, I messaged her and explained everything. 

That was 4 weeks ago - I have had wobbles since then and this week created a new account to bet with secretly but haven't put a bet on. On Thursday I was in Blackpool with Danni and really struggled to control the urge to bet - we walked past a casino and played a few games in the arcade, at one point things got too much and I lied to her, saying I had to make a phone call and leaving her in a queue for a ride at the pleasure Beach when in reality I was going to find somewhere to bet. That night after speaking to a friend and admitting everything to them I phoned GamCare. I felt so ashamed at first, feeling as though there were people who were in more desperate situations than mine who needed support when I was taking up somebody's time. However, the advisor I spoke to was fantastic and put my mind at ease. 4 weeks today since the last time I touched a gambling site and celebrated this weekend by introducing Danni to my old uni mates - it's really helped to have them all here with me this weekend and the fact that they all love my new partner makes it even better. Danni has been an absolute rock for me these past few weeks, checking in and supporting me in whatever way she can without pushing or being controlling. Last night I registered with GamStop and I'm feeling a lot more confident about the future. Apologies for the long and rambling post - it feels good to have got a lot of this off my chest and I'm looking forward to seeing what the future holds!