Advise for the other half

Hi Hope,

Sorry to hear the situation you are in. It is very hard to give advise on this one as everyone’s cirmstances and tolerances differ from person to person.

I think if your fiancГ© seriously wants to give up gambling then with the help of others he should achieve it. He won’t be able to do it alone. He will have rough days and great days just like you.

Maybe get him to sign up here and talk to us fellow gamblers. We don’t bite.

I think when and if he realises what he could of or would lose realisation may hit hard. It did for me.

Don’t know if this will help but that’s my thoughts.

CJ.

Thank you both for your comments. He doesn’t have any credit cards (thank god) he is overdrawn on his current account by €140 and we have established other debts to friends and family (including monies he owes me) the total over all with overdrawn act is €1,600! It could be a lot worse looking on this site. It seems like when his savings ran dry he got desperate to chase to money before I found out and finally gave in and told me everything. I am still paranoid he may be hiding something but I have seen statements from his CU and bank and no lones are noted. He started anti-depresents on recommendation of his GP as she said it would help. He has not gambled since it all came out and says he hasn’t wanted to but he did say he had an urge to check the racing results so I am not sure if that is habit or because he wants to gamble. I have looked into the self inclusion process here in Ireland and I think he needs to go into each booker maker to do this but he has no problem doing it. He seems desperate to do the right thing and we are due as I said to get married so I feel overwhelmed with it all! I want to trust him but that ship has sailed so it will take time to build it back.

He has no access to my money or his own at he moment and has provided receipts for cash spends over the last few weeks.

My heads all over the place and when I look back it was all so obvious that I feel really stupid !

Hi hope you must be worried, it's a big shock. There is another partner who said about ADHD. I'm a sceptic I'm afraid. Which came first the depression, the gambling, the obsession, the bad behaviour? My husband saw a psychiatrist due to work related stress, not once did he admit compulsive gambling. The best thing to do is worry about you. Safeguard your finances, as said credit reports (Experian, clearscore, money saving expert, etc). Self exclusion, GA, gamstop and cash with receipts. All good blocks and help. Unfortunately a lot of people don't take this seriously and will continue to lend money to a gambler. Find a gamanon meeting and get some support. No one can make decisions for you. What do you want? Find out as much as you can, take free support and help. Don't feel pressured by the wedding, that's a huge commitment if it's not what you want.

Thanks for the advise. He was made redundant last year and started a new job (managing a bar ) this bar is also a betting pub which I only know now as I am oblivious to the betting/sporting world to be honest. He was hit hard by the unexpected redundancy (nothing to do with his work as it was a strategic company decision) he started to become depressed and closed off and started to see a councilor. He didn’t come clean with the councilor about his depression and stopped going. We went on holidays in the summer , he changed jobs completely and things seemed to be turning a corner but I noticed he never had money was always on his phone. I didn’t know but at this time his money was going and he was chasing ! and then he started to see a CBT who said he is showing lots of signs of ADHD and has since be referred by a GP for the same. He only came clean with us all about the gambling a few weeks back ! This is all a massive shock and I would be lying if I said I didn’t feel pressure by the wedding. We have been together so long and never had an issue with money, lying or anything like that until last year!

Can this come on during hard times and lead to addiction?

I have seen his bank account and credit union account and there are no lones . He has never owned a credit card...

I don’t know how to check if there is other debt from debt collector or “lone sharks” is there a way to check this?

When I read these posts it seems like there is no chance of getting through this ? One gent said that there is a 7% of overcoming the additicton .. I don’t really like those odds...:(

Hi Hope,

Maybe have an open and honest conversation with your partner. Tell him how you feel and that you are worried about the situation. Also tell him you are willing to help him through it but he needs to help himself as well. That means Gamstop / store excluding and carrying limited amounts of cash on him.

I know myself I gamble(d) when I was annoyed at the world or life in general. The more annoyed I was the more I played and didn’t care about what I lost financially. It was more the escapism and chasing the feature in the end. I think I was up the last time I bet 11 days ago by about £1k for the month but decided to waste it all on a game called ***. Crazy eh?

Maybe. What could I have done with that £1k? A whole lot. I’m not dwelling on it, as money is not the only thing I could have lost. I could have lost my son, family and house, along with my job.

I feel we learn as we go along in life and make mistakes. No one has a perfect life. Nor does everyone have a perfect cure for giving up gambling. Surely 7% is better than 0% and if your partner wants to really give up he will at least try. Admitting he has a problem is the first step, now it’s how you progress.

To me it sounds like you’re in a situation questioning his honesty and the relationship breakdown due to the addiction. Only you can decide what you do next.

Keep on smiling and take each day at a time.

CJ.

Thank you CJ and best of luck with your recovery.

Hi hope I have no experience of loan sharks but you won't know either. Try not to worry about that. Success is all relative. If he wants to stop he can with support. If you take on his finances you have to be consistent but it also has to be his choice. Otherwise it's constant recrimination and begging for money, anger, etc. Find a meeting and you will get support. Travel if you have to it's worth it.

Thank you Merry go round,

He had no problem handing over his finances he actually suggested it. He seems really desperate to stop. He said it was a relief in ways that we know about the problem as he was living a miserable life lying and becoming something he hated. He never gets angry it was very much a hidden addiction. He said he just lost control and was in a panic trying of chase the money and fix what he did. I know he had a rough time at the beginning of last year and I am not a psychiatrist but it looks from the outside that he turned to the bookies to block things out and because and it was easy working in a “sports bar” where it is so normalised. I am hopeful that we can turn this around and maybe we might start some couples therapy. I know every parter might say it but he really wasn’t like this before. I want to give him the benefit of doubt before jumping to anything drastic like cancelling our wedding. I can see from people stories that all situations are very different. He hasn’t shown any resistance at all to committed to recovery. I am sure it will be hard and he knows that but thankfully we have very supportive people around us and I am hoping now that it is out in the open we can get through it. I don’t have an issue with managing our finances indefinitely. I know of people with shopping addictions who hand over their money to their husbands so I am sure it is manageable and safer in the long run. You have been in this a long time from what I can see and I hope your husband continues to fight for a better life for you all and himself x