Confused, regretful, stressed

Hi there,

I am actually shocked at what you're saying. I am a CG and even if i have no kids, husband or even loved one i want to mk things rite.
You are well and truly in denial and i soo want you to see what you're causing around you..Destruction my friend.
Just think what your kids will think of you one day..excuse of "trying" to make their lives better is pretty useless don't you think. Facts and acts will prove different. World envolves around money huh...well, you would be surprised to know that not so much. Give your time to loved ones now! Time is on your side...don't ruin yours and other's lives....you salary is good enough to treat them with little something..alongside with priceless time and attention you could/should provide instead of living "dream world" which is fake and risky.

Sorry it's harsh...you need to learn your lessons...and they dont have to get to the point where the pill is too bitter to swollow.

Close those accounts and bring honesty back

Sandra x

Hi Maxandrosesdad

I have just come across this thread. You have been given some harsh BUT extremely honest advice.

I know gamblers who have spent time in gaol, lost their families, their homes etc. It does happen, and it can happen to you.

Whatever you think you may have lost moneywise now is incomparable to what you may lose if you do not act now to address the issue. Chasing losses is every gamblers worst nightmare. Whilst chasing those losses, we inevitably lose more and accrue more debt, chase those losses, accrue more debt etc.etc.

Get some help now before it's too late.

Best wishes

I closed everything down at ten past four this afternoon, after much deliberation. Cycnical Wife has been harsh, arguablly fair although I at feel I should give myself some credit that I am acting of my own accord. My wife doesn't know of this, and despite my methods of stopping not alligning with the protocols of GA I am acting nonetheless. Cynical Wife mentioned she found out the hard way, after massive losses ; I am acting to stop the rot before anything gets too bad.

I am not in denial as to requiring help in this process. I have visited "Smart Recovery" in the past and need to start this process again as a self explanotory method of understanding my psyche, in particular for me with dealing with the emotion of regret that has haunted me for years. Despite my faults, I genuinely only want the best for my family. I have been in turmoil today contemplating my mistakes and flaws, and I don't use that description lightly.

The family & I are on holiday from Sunday for 11 nights, and of course that will be more time for me to reflect on my next move. I feel mentally exhausted at the moment. My 2 kids are awesome and I've been letting everyone down, which is destroying my motivation for life at the moment. Hopefully at least I have shed a few monkeys from my back for now. Talk later.

Hi everyone I am new to this. I have jus admitted to my family my problem after stealing (borrowing in my eyes, as I inteneded to okay it back) money from my fiancee . I have been asked to leave while I sort this problem out and I need some advice any help please ??

Credit to you for the first positive steps but by not telling your wife you are lying by omission. Also, you will struggle to sustain your effort without handing over financial control to her, no good will come of you having free access to money or credit.

Also, you'll need help from GA or counselling, v hard to organise without her knowing.

CW

Apologies to Cynical Wife if I sounded argumentative or critical in my last post. Your harsh comments helped me. I have been a fool. I also appreciate everybody elses posts, it means a lot to be advised from people that even though have never met me are considerate enough to post.

I want to put an end to the fantasy life I have been living. I'm still in fear somewhat though that one of the stocks I have closed will rocket and I will regret even more, for regret is the cyclical trap that catches me every time. However, I need to rid myself of the 24/7 mindset I have been in of thinking about my leveraged stock positions all of the time, during every waking (& often sleeping) moment. I need to get myself physically fit again, but more than that into a routine that doesn't involve sitting in the car logging on to the stock new alerts at 7am after my nightshift. In many ways I feel like I have been working 2 full time jobs, which has been exhausting & yes destructive.

When I look back at my hundreds of trades on my Spreadex account my heart sinks. I dare not tally up how much I have lost because that means more regret when I compare what I could have bought for the family with that money, I don't want that spiral to start again.

My wife says that I am great with the kids, but distant and critical the rest of the time. I know I could be much better all round, and much more consistent as a husband and father. Its time to change. Admitting failure for me is the hardest part. Hopefully though this is the start of a better life. I know I will need ongoing help though.

Fine but tell her! Much bigger failure not to.

I have admitted everything today it was a relief. It was hard and I have moved back to my parents for the foreshore future but I can see much positives from this. My total debt is around 13k and hopefully with help o can start to rebuild trust and everything. Isit want to lose my family I belive I have come very close to it. Today is the first day does anyone have any help for me. I have arranged a counciling app with gambleaware and should get an appointment next week. I already miss my boy and fiancee I don't think I can staf being away from them

Cynical Wife, just read your last post about lying through omission. While I partly agree with you in many ways I feel like she has been through enough and want to sort out many of the practicalities first i.e. paying the debt off etc. I acknowledge also fear in telling her is part of my reasoning but this genuinely is also combined with an inate feeling of responsibility that its my mess and I need to clean it up without hurting her any more. I understand your uncertainty of my ability to do that though. Admission to her will probably happen when I am much further down the line of tackling the debt, if at all if I am perfectly honest. As previously mentioned, I realise the GA programme involves admission to everyone but it makes no sense to me to hurt her if I can deal with it myself. Time will tell I suppose, but I am taking steps forward.

If I thought admitting to wife, and visiting GA was a panacea to this problem I would do both. But I don't. I think the truth is much more an elaboration of my own mindset through extreme emotional experiences / triggers. If this sounds like denial so be it, but it isn't meant to be. I expect just as many repeat offenders visit GA as those that stop through other means. What I need to stop is the emotional ratchetting up following certain events or thoughts and take actions to distract myself from harm. I'm not saying I am not going to tell my wife, I am saying not yet mainly. I need to give me own emotions a rest too, and if I tell her now my emotions will simply go into a tailspin again which could prove a catalyst for further problems.

Hi, I just wanted to swing by & pat you on the back for having the balls to close the accounts like you told us you would 🙂 I imagine that was extremely difficult! You have to now figure out a way to draw a line under these losses because even if any one of those shares or whatever they are you had were to skyrocket, it would only be more gambling tokens until you lost it all again!

Us CG's are very manipulative people & we can & do live very successful 'false' lives but you owe yourself more than to be playing with your children whilst your mind wanders elsewhere!

You will need something to distract you from your '2nd job' especially in these early days whilst you figure out what to do with your hands & mind but you can do it! All the harsh words aside (these are for your own good I can assure you) you are here to recover because you know this is something that you need to do & I applaud you for that! I also want you to know that I believe you can do this!

Do it your way but make sure you are doing it - ODAAT

Thank You ODAAT. Closing my positions was very difficult yes, I had about 20 different ones, I have always traded online but decided to phone Spreadex partly to distance myself from the act of physcally closing them down, and simply asked them to do it for me. The primary thing was to close my positions before 4:30 pm because the markets closed at that time. I phoned them at 4:10 pm. Had I not I would have had all the positions left on during my holiday, thinking about them constantly, probably trying to find an internet connection and having all of the feelings of hope, regret, optimism, elation, dismay etc interfering witht the family holiday. All feelings that have accompanied the last few years and proved great distractions from real life. I have to fund my Spreadex account yet to cover my existing losses before I can actually close it down in its entirity which is my next hurdle. It will probably have to come from a credit card, which I hate but the debt is there regardless of whether it is in the Spreadex account or elsewhere. I am aware that closing the whole thing down and requesting it as a permanent closure is important to do.

This forum is proving greater help than I anticipated it would. Much more useful than the stock forums. Thanks.

You're welcome 🙂 Deep breath now, you can figure out where to hold your debt in a few days time, safe in the knowledge that bar interest payments, it is not getting any bigger!

I expect you will keep logging on out of habit...Come here, it's safe, there's plenty to read & plenty of people that would love a wave of support if you are up to it! Recovery is not just financial, you will need to work on filling the void that gambling allowed you to escape from but fill it you must & fill it you can!

Have a lovely holiday & keep us posted! You can beat this - ODAAT

well done mate.

after reading your posts, i think you have done fantastically well to do what you have done. Everyone does things their own way and by coming on here and opening your heart was abrave thing to do.

also, you have acted before it causes real hurt to you and your family and i admore you for that. you read many stories on here of people who have blown 20,50,100k more over the years and therefore you yourself have acted after 6k is a credit to yourself, which i admire.

As long as you feel you are now in the zone and in control, its up to you whether you tell your wife. She may be very proud of you for doing all this on your own. She nay be upset you got yourself in this position. However overall if she read this thread she'd see how much you care about them all, its plain to a blind man. Think positive. You have not blown up all out of proportion and ruined the kids lives by gambling WELL over your means. You may have done, however you have been sensible realist and are now putting ypur family firmly first. They will be many people on here who wish they had a partner who acted as quick as you. well done mate. every credit to you, good luck!

IM OFF TO LIVE, Very kind comments Thank You. I have been beating myself up today, so not sure I deserve the praise but I appreciate the encouragement. Right now the slight relief I felt yesterday is turning to self hate & anger that I am a nobody. Still, I am trying to hold on to the pragmatist within myself and I am telling myself that things right now can not get any worse.

Something I haven't yet mentioned are episodes I experienced as a young adult when I was addicted heavily to slot machines. The period was from ageof around 18/19 to 22/23 if I recall correctly. This was a period that started with elated Friday nights & Saturday afternoons drinking and gambling on the slots with my friends ; a pint in one hand after a Sizzling Steak 'n' Chips and bundles of change. Time passed, reality began to dawn that I wasn't a kid anymore and eventually after realising all my wages were disappearing very fast and I couldn't wake up without thinking about the bandits, the demons started playing havoc with my mind & soul.

I remember one afternoon while I was working in my first job, at around 18 my mum turned up at my place of work. She was crying, reception phoned me and told me she was there. I was embarressed to be honest but I suspected she was drunk - she was and she was asking me for £20 . . . . she had blown all her cleaning wages in the local arcades. Her tales of being mugged in the street were legendary, the most unforunate victim worldover. A pathetic figure really, and I say that with extreme regret, morose, and a deep desire that things could & should have been different. My mums life was tragic, and hurt & pain were thematics that were there right until the end.

Mum, I'm sorry for calling you pathetic I know it wasn't your fault, life was tough with the seperation, really tough. I love you. I'm sorry. Please forgive me, I should have taken you on holiday, I should have bought you more gifts, even just cigarettes or wine as its what you enjoyed. I shouldn't have been so judgemental. I hate myself for it. I was wrong.

My own gambling on the slots turned tragically worse one day when as I turned up late from being hungover, I lost my job and shortly afterwards lost my licence for drink driving, and my long term girlfriend all in one swoop. I was suicidal. I planned to take my dads car and drive it as fast as possible into a wall. Feeling guilty about damaging my Dad's Rover 75 I instead drank very heavily and swallowed every sinhle tablet I could find in the house, which was many. In one hell of a state I phoned my friend to say my goodbyes. I can remember feeling overjoyed that I was going to die. This wasn't just an attempt. Fortunately my friend had the foresight to phone an ambulance, he obviously took me seriously and I was taken to hospital with a racing pulse and pumped.

Shortly afterwards I started attending a group for gambling addicts, a splinter group from GA. A group of men who were heavily critical of GA for some reason (internal politics I think, I'm still not sure). Anyway, this small bunch of wise guys saved me. They were a real set of characters too ; an ex con who'd committed bank roberry to maintain his horce racing addiction, a successful businessman, a gut who'd crashed his car with his pregnant wife sitting in it as she was insisting to see a mini bank statement, and me. I arrived on the first day with bank statements to show them the extent of my gambling, page after page of withdrawals going nowhere. I attended for the next year, doing all the usual things. I told my dad who clearly knew I was on the edge anyway after my suicide attempt, and carried no money on my person for the next year or so. I attended the meetings every week. They were a massive help. Those guys saved my life. I still owe them everything to this day.

It may seem strange then that I seem anti GA, or attending. I am not strictly so. Just very, very fearful of losing everything and making my way to the railway line to complete the job. I can't lose my kids. I love them so god d**n much. They are literally my everything. So when Cynical Wife says I am lying through omission for not telling my wife she is not seeing the full picture. I want so much from life than this. Addiction is a b***h, and I am a waste. But it doesn't have to be that way. I want to move on. I want help but not to the cost of my family. Not to the cost of everything I have, everything I will ever have. I'm the epitomy right now of what I resented in my mum. I owe it to her memory, and to my family to righten these wrongs before it is too late.