Day One

Hi everybody, 

So I've just joined the forum chat and this is day one. It has been a difficult decision to even join this but I was hoping to be able to speak to others who have been through a similar nightmare that I've found myself in.

Before joining I have attempted to be pro active by self excluding from online sites and putting a gambling stop on my bank account. I never go into physical casinos, my addiction stems from online sites only. Even saying the word addiction is devastating. I imagine people who have addictions to be not the nicest of people but if I'm being completely honest I've managed to turn into one of those people who I thought I never would.

To put some context to my situation and I'm hoping that by saying it out loud as such I'm in a safe space and won't be judged too much.... 

I began gambling online, on slots around 6 years ago, I did this for around 3 years. I had winnings of course but they very quickly went back to the sites and before I knew it I was chasing my losses. I ended up not only spending all of my money but also building up debt in my husband's name. In total it had accumulated to approx £30,000. As you can well imagine this had a massive impact on mine and my husband's mental well being, our finances and a detrimental effect on our relationship. I lied alot in order to not only attempt to conceal my addiction but to also try to have control over it which I know now, I never had control. My husband, although hurt and betrayed stuck by me and I was able to stop gambling without any professional help. This was the case until approx 6 months ago.

Inbetween me stopping gambling 3 years ago, in March 2022 I was diagnosed with cervical cancer. I went through all the treatment for this and I am thankfully cancer free. However, the treatment I had, whilst killing the cancer cells has left me with irreparable damage to my bowel, where I had to have an emergency operation to have a permanent colostomy bag fitted. I also sustained damage to my bladder and I am currently having to be fitted with bilateral nephrostomys in order to attempt to bypass my bladder. I am still waiting on news to find out if this can be repaired at all and therefore my health issues are still not resolved. 

Now I know that all of the health problems I have encountered including feelings of depression, hopelessness, anger and that I've somehow deserved all of this have been the catalyst that has started me gambling again. I'm still not sure if it's the feeling of wanting to feel good and feel that at least something good is happening to me, when winning or if I'm wanting to self destruct myself and everything around me due to just feeling completely lost.

So far in the past 6 months I have again accrued debt, this time at a much faster rate but not as much as last time with much fewer wins, I would say approx £15,000 so yes, a major problem financially. I have also lied to my husband again, which I'm certainly not proud of and really hate myself for doing it. I'm ashamed and feeling guilty and in a way haven't wanted to admit to myself that I still have a problem. I honestly thought I could have a little dabble and would be able to stop, how stupid am I?!

So now I'm again in the position of stressing both physically and mentally about finances. My husband's trust in me has been shattered and I'm really very unsure now if our marriage can survive this again. 

In a desperate attempt to try to show that I'm serious about wanting help I've not only signed up to this forum but I've also self referred to a few 'helping with gambling addiction' sites, which I'm hoping will contact me soon to discuss how they can help. I've also found out where my nearest GA meeting place is and the meeting is, well, tonight so I'm prepared to take that first step to actually go to a meeting, something I've never done before. 

I'm extremely worried and apprehensive about the future. I really do not know what I can say or do to hope that my husband does not leave me and I seriously don't know what I would do or where I would go if that was to happen.

I am really sorry for the long post and thank you to those who have read to the end. 

If anybody has any advice it would be greatly received. From reading some other posts, I feel like I'm not alone in this anymore. Does anybody else feel that even after reading other people's experiences, you're still the worst person of everybody, because I have to admit, I'm there.

This truly is a horrible addiction and for me has caused so much damage to myself and everybody around me. I just hope that by taking the first step of day one and by additional support I can stop once and for all. As my username says, I've seen the light and now I need to keep following it.

Thank you again everybody.