Deal or No Deal

I've gambled on fruit machines since a child. My story from the beginning. I was very good at making money when I was a kid that people used to say that one day I'd be a millionaire. It wasn't because I was smart because I'm definitely not but I was enthusiastic about making money, in the summer holidays I would do gardening, I would call at every house on the estate and offer to cut the grass or do the weeding, I would grow my own plants at home and sell them to my customers. In winter I would clear snow and ice from the old people’s pathways and at weekends I would also work for a mobile butchers, I used to make a mint cutting down Christmas trees in December and selling them around the estate (I used to sneak out at 1am and walk 6 miles to get a tree). To get to my point and as you'll probably guess, that is every penny I earned went to gambling on fruit machines. My mother was at her wits end with me and as soon as she could get rid of me she did, I got a job at 19 where I had to move away and she happily bundled me onto an Airplane and said "I could not come home until I had saved £5,000 in the bank" that was 25 years ago, I never did go back! My gambling progressed, and every penny I earned went to machines. Way back then anything you won from a fruit machine over £4 was paid in tokens so god only knows why it was so addictive, but it had me hooked. I didn't have a proper social life because I never had any money. I was lucky enough to have good relationships, they would always end with my bags on the doorstep but for some reason I was always able to walk straight into a fresh relationship so I thank myself very lucky that I never found myself homeless. Over the years I gained some control over my gambling, I think I did grow wiser for a few years but then one day on the 31st Dec 1999 something horrible and very traumatising happened in my life, I was left completely devastated by recent events that I turned to alcohol and gambling and had to move away to a strange city where I knew absolutely nobody. I was put on antidepressants by the doctor but I found that the only way I could cope was to stand in the pub gambling on fruit machines all day and night. I had gone from a good paid job and social life to a wreck of a person living in a strange city with no friends and working in a sandwich shop. Yet again god must have been looking after me because out of nowhere and by pure random chance I met Neal who completely swept me off my feet. Neal was and is an intelligent hard working guy and he worked in a managerial role in field marketing. He was tall and handsome and dressed in a suit he was a dream come true for me. Unfortunately the damage from the previous year had already been done so from the start I was letting Neal down with my drinking and my gambling. Neal hates gambling with a passion. He's not ever even bought as much as a scratch card. But he stuck by me and he tried to understand the addiction, for years he listened to my pleading for forgiveness and for years I had been telling him "I won't do it again, I will get some help" I managed to give up gambling for a whole year eventually and Neal decided that we would buy a house together. But then a TV show (Deal or No deal) started and I loved the show. I never missed it, I recorded it and made sure I never missed an episode. Then one day I was sitting in the pub when a big burly guy come in and I noticed he was installing a deal or no deal fruit machine. 'o*g' I thought to myself, I need to have a go on that. As soon as the guy had installed the machine I made sure I was the first person to play it. I didn't completely go berserk as I was really weary about gambling again but I convinced myself that I would only do it the once. Within the next six month the deal or no deal games where everywhere. I remember I had to go training in London once and I stayed in a hotel in Basildon and there was a bowling alley next door, I remember going in on my first night and there were twelve fruit machines and every single one of them was DOND machine. Every night of the week I spent there and I gambled away about £500. Neal my partner went ballistic and refused to add me to the new mortgage. He said as long as I gambled I would never have anything. I have come so close to getting thrown out on so many occasions. Because of Neal I think I have been able to control my gambling to a point. I've only got debts of £6,000 but I think there are people far worse off. I don't gamble with credit although I must admit that I've just started to overdraw in the last couple of months. I tried to get straight last month and I was on target to get through the month without overdrawn but then I had a stupid argument at work, went out to the pub and the rest is history! I hold my head in shame. I hate myself for not staying in control. It kills me to see the look of hurt and pain in my partners face. I tell him I will get help but I never do. All I want to do is be a normal person who can go out, sit in the pub and have a few beers without that overwhelming urge to gamble. I don't buy lottery tickets, I don't go into betting shops so why O' why can I not stop playing these stupid machines. There must definitely be a part of my brain that just wants to go into destruction mode. I am 44 now and I have no option but to go down the avenue of joining this group in the hope that I may be inspired enough to kick my addiction. I hope to read, chat and take advice from people who are in or have been in similar predicaments.