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Do marriages and relationships survive after the truth comes out?

 
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 Witsend
(@z1d629q8me)
Posts: 12
Topic starter
 

I have just discovered my husbands secret gambling addiction (been together 20 years, two children) 

Successful career, life rosy to the outside world. Sacrifices made on my let, giving up career to raise our children whilst supporting husband in his career progression. 

Life has spiralled and he’s hidden finances from me, accused me of being fixated by money and controlling him. Turns out my instinct was correct as I have unravelled a nightmare I don’t wish on anyone. He kept bonuses hidden from me, we’ve missed out on things because ‘next year will be better’ for me to fond that he’s been actively gambling and currently in debt .

Does anyone on here have a happy ever after? It’s destroyed me. I’m currently sat in the bank trying to look back on statements of years gone by. 

He was never going to tell me about the gambling, I asked him as a last resort to get answers for not having savings after living together for 18 years and having plenty of disposable income. 

 
Posted : 28th March 2025 11:36 am
 jerrytomson
(@pimylx5w2t)
Posts: 1
 

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Discovering a gambling addiction in a long-term partner, especially when you've built a life together and made sacrifices for the family, is an immense betrayal. You're not alone, and while this is devastating, there are steps you can take to protect yourself and your children.

Immediate Steps:

  1. Get Clarity on the Finances

    • Review bank statements, credit card records, and any hidden debts.

    • Check if loans, credit cards, or assets (house, car, savings) are impacted.

    • If possible, consult a financial advisor to assess the situation.

  2. Protect Yourself Financially

    • Separate finances if needed: Open a personal bank account and redirect your income.

    • Consider freezing joint accounts to prevent further damage.

    • If he has significant debt, consult a lawyer to understand your legal exposure.

  3. Seek Support

    • GamAnon (support groups for families of problem gamblers) can be a huge help.

    • Therapy for yourself—this level of betrayal can be emotionally crushing.

    • Legal advice—to understand your rights and options moving forward.

  4. Talk to Him, but Set Boundaries

    • If he is remorseful and willing to get help (e.g., Gamblers Anonymous, therapy), there may be a path forward.

    • However, trust has been broken. He must take responsibility, and you deserve transparency.

    • If he refuses help, you need to prioritize your well-being and that of your children.

Is There a Happy Ending?

Yes, but it depends on his willingness to change and your own limits. Some couples do recover from gambling addiction with professional intervention. Others choose to walk away to protect themselves from financial and emotional ruin.

Your happiness and security matter. Do what’s best for you. Sending strength. 💙

This post was modified 3 days ago 3 times by Forum admin
 
Posted : 28th March 2025 2:09 pm
 Witsend
(@z1d629q8me)
Posts: 12
Topic starter
 

Thank you for your reply. I feel like I’m going round and round in circles. 
I ask him exactly what has been going on when we have ongoing 4 x his monthly wage for it to disappear again by the end of the month. Erratic behaviour in terms of monies moved from one account to another and large cash withdrawals. The hardest let is feeling like I’ve wasted so many years in a marriage that isn’t based on truth and equal partnership. All the times he’s questioned me for spending a few pounds at B&M etc. I’ve stayed at home to be with the children whilst he’s climbed the ladder and been successful. It lols like we’ve got the perfect life to the outside world. He says I should be grateful that he’s provided us with this life and he’s never missed a payment in terms of house or children haven’t gone without. His current attitude is that it’s not my money and I never complained when I didn’t have to work. God if I could change that I would. 
I can see his addiction goes right back to 2018 and that is as far as I can see. He says a few months. 

Im so stressed and hurt and can see how we can recover from this nightmare. I have therapy next week and have been off work sick which isn’t in my nature. It’s turned my world upside down and I can’t forgive him. 
Thank you for sharing the above tips. I am genuinely sorry for all suffering through similar. I wish my husband would talk to me with honestly and respect. 

 
Posted : 28th March 2025 9:13 pm
Tazman
 Tazman
(@tazman)
Posts: 411
 

Im really sorry you are going through this, im currently on day 628 without a bet and things are looking totally different i use to think i need x amount of money and had a false sense i would get lucky some day throughout 18 years off gambling i have lost approx 150k-250k to this sick illness i use to believe if i had a 6 figure salary my life would be so much better i remember hearing story about a women wining 3 million dollers on slot and how silly she was to blow it and get done for fruad i use to think i was alot better it only when i started to research about this addiction i realised i was no different to anyone else, it a sick illness once it gets hold of you the value of money become irrelvent the bets gets bigger the addiction takes over the mind and you lose all forms off control, i now believe even if i had a 7 figure salary i would have been no better off as simply i was an addict i had no self control i was addicted to the buzz off placing bets after my large major relapse i took a loan around 3 months my monthy salary and i blew that within 15 mins that was my wakeup call after previously winning life changing amount and lossing it all it strange how the addiction got a hold of me and i made this decision which i never previously done before this i had few attempt at quiting however my desire to change came from my last relapse as i just could go on like this 

 
Posted : 29th March 2025 12:08 am
 clover
(@sj6mi7e8hx)
Posts: 10
 

I can relate alot of your husbands behaviours to my own. Alway an excuse and sometimes even lies. I blew so much money over the 20 years I was gambling I dont even think I could put a figure on it. I got our family into debt, my husband had sleepless nights over money and couldn't understand why we had no money when we both worked and he earned sufficient for us to be comfortable.

I came clean to my husband twice before I stopped. He stood by me but nothing really changed - but this is because (i think) i didn't see that I could stop and so I didn't. There were no boundaries set and he just asked that I dont do it again.

This time, I stopped gambling on my own accord. I didnt tell my husband until I'd done 100 days. I am currently on 197 days and so much has changed already. The important part is that I've stopped because I want to - not because someone has asked me to. The clarity I have gained into my own behaviours and thought processes has been enlightening. I'm open and honest with my husband on good and bad days, I check in with him regularly. I have a much better relationship with money. 

If you had of asked me 10 months ago if I would be where I am now, my answer would be no. I never dreamed I could get control of the beast that is gambling. Its a hard path, it requires strength and commitment but for us, its worked. 

I am currently having counselling from Gamcare which has been a good opportunity to ask those hard questions of myself. I get to talk through all my wins and tough points of the week. I seriously recommend it for both you can your husband. 

7 months after stopping I am debt free, we have just secured a mortgage on our forever home and I am committed to a life free of gambling. 

All this being said, I am incredibly lucky. My husband has stood by me and has never told a soul of what I've done. I didnt deserve that and would not have blamed him if he left. Only you can decided whether you stay or go. Your husbands response to you will give you an indication of whether he is serious about changing your situation. Remember, us gambler don't stop until we want to, until it breaks us and sometimes even then, we continue. 

Change is possible but it will be hard on you both. 

I wish you both well. 

Clover.

 
Posted : 29th March 2025 9:08 am
cpparch
 cpparch
(@cpparch)
Posts: 187
 

@z1d629q8me hi,

I’m so sorry to read all this. It relates to me and my husband a lot, although the other way round. 

He was never interested in dealing with the finances and I was always very organised, loved having lists and Direct Debit tick sheet. But back in 2019, lots of things happened in my personal life, I had my 2nd child and convinced I had postnatal depression. Then COVID struck!!! It all started off a bit of fun but very quickly got a bit more extreme. When I look back to those early years, it’s nothing compared to how it ended up. 

Fast forward to March 2022 and I had closed a bank account and little did I know; they would send piles of bank statements through. I wasn’t home (I usually would always be home for the post) but this day I wasn’t. They all turned up and my husband opened some! That evening, I knew I had to tell him.

Well, I did tell him but I held back and wasn’t completely truthful over the full extent of my gambling. We didn’t put things in place and the doors were left open for me. I stopped for 4-5 months but then got complacent. 

Fast forward to July 2023 and I literally hit rock bottom! I had a total of 7-8 loans and 4 credit cards, some in my name but the majority in my husband’s name which he didn’t know about. I kept getting a bigger loan to pay off one, and the process went on, until he was going to be faced with all these loan payments just days later and no money to pay them. He was going to find out! Total debt £80-90k. 

I wrote a long letter and I told him EVERYTHING. It was very hard for him as we both had to go through StepChange to do a debt management plan so I’ve completely messed up his options for the next 6 years minimum. But he forgave me, he stood by me and helped me. We put a lot in place - he took over financial control, I removed myself from the joint bank account and just have a very basic account now, which he can look at, at any time he likes. I got therapy and went on retreats to learn about gambling habits etc. 

I am now 612 days gamble free and hitting rock bottom was the best thing to that could have happened to me. 

You are not to blame for any of this, you have done nothing wrong, just like my husband wasn’t. Gambling is an awful illness but your husband has got to want to make changes. He has to be completely open and honest with you over everything. The addiction makes you lie, be deceitful and gives you a very short fuse. He basically cannot have access to the money, that is the main thing that has to change. 

As above, you need to protect yourself in every way possible. If he doesn’t work with you, then he clearly doesn’t want to stop and doesn’t want to rebuild everything he has damaged. 

You must absolutely feel how my husband felt but I did everything he wanted to try and slowly rebuild that trust again. I completely broke every bit of trust we ever had. 

I really wish you well and always come on here for any support you need. This is a huge thing for you to deal with. 

Claire xx

 
Posted : 29th March 2025 1:24 pm
 Witsend
(@z1d629q8me)
Posts: 12
Topic starter
 

@tazman 

morning. 
thank you for taking the time to reply and I’m sorry you have gone through such a difficult time yourself. You have clearly identified it’s time for change and you’re definitely on the right track. 

It’s heartbreaking to read how much money has been involved for you and the trauma it brings. If I could wave a magic wand and ban gambling I absolutely would. 
until I discovered my husbands hidden secret I didn’t have any idea how big the problem was. 

Looking back on our early days together he would think nothing of having a go on the odd slot machine if we were in a pub or on holiday. Nothing major, just look o would have a go on the 2p machines with the children. But it’s always been there. Me with the 2’s he would go off on the £1 machines etc. 

anyway, fast forward to 4 years ago which is when I first discovered an online bet win of £500 in our joint statement. I asked him what it was and he simply said ‘what has it got to do with me?’ I said everything as in your wife. 
Tome went on and I could see several banks being used to transfer money in and out. Somedays two lots of £500 would be drawn out from an ATM. Then monies transferred over some cash out in of £1000 but mostly all different amounts. 

Early last year he changed the way his wages were late into our account ‘to stop me snooping to protect himself’ his word. This was because I was asking him more and more about finances. 

The icing on the cake and the thing that has destroyed our marriage is the hidden work bonus letters that arrived totalling £24000. I feel so betrayed. For me it’s not about the money it’s the lies and deceit. I’ve done my bit as a good wife and mother and made many sacrifices. We’ve gone without each year because he’s claimed it’s been difficult but he is a very high earner and we have low outgoings on paper. 

My question is if someone is drawing out £500-1000 on a random Saturday etc and regularly is this a major gambling problem? He has several cars he’s using to move money about and some months ingoings  are 3/4 times his earnings to then be left with a couple of hundred at the end of the month. 

I literally feel like there has been a third person in our relationship and he’s taken me for a fool. 

 
Posted : 30th March 2025 7:55 am
 Witsend
(@z1d629q8me)
Posts: 12
Topic starter
 

@cpparch 

morning Claire, 

So sorry you have been through this yourself. I think it’s amazing that you have spoken out and accepted you need help etc. Well done for staying on the right track with recovery.

Im just completely overwhelmed with it all. As I’ve said in previous posts (I’ve just replied to another on this thread too, it’s never been about the money for me but the lies and deceit)

Throughout our relationship I’ve taken a back seat to finances (like your husband) we’ve been comfortable so never had any reason to challenge anything. 
I never looked at statements and husband has never spoke about money or bills or had any goals with savings etc. Odd now when I look back. He’s simply had full control. Even down to my wages. I get paid into the joint account but each months he’s rejected it all and sent it to my old account from being a teenager. I found this odd because all I’ve ever wanted to do is contribute but he now says he thinks I use joint account as part of my agenda. 
I’ll admit I opened his personal bonus letters because I knew something didn’t add up. I’m glad I did because he would never have told me otherwise. He simply hid the letters from me for 3 days until I confronted him. 
Even then I was accused of abusing him and being coercive. I’d ruined everything. Attacking him. Tormenting him. He couldn’t believe I thought that of him after 20 years! I said I can’t believe you’ve not thought to share such happy news with me after 20 years. Or why he felt the need to change wage payments (he now transfers a sum over each month) 

In all this chaos I’d told him it’s over and I want a divorce. He’s not been easy to live with. Calls me pathetic, need to grow up.. know my place etc. He’s slammed doors, hit walls and drives at speed before slamming breaks on. Marches off from me in the street. He isn’t always the best with the way he speaks to children either and tbh I’d originally reached out to women’s aid for help as I thought it was more emotional and financial abuse. I’m awaiting therapy with them. Then the bonus letters arrived a few days later and the whole thing has just spiralled. So I’ve now got my first therapy session with Gamcare this week. 

I’ve had to take time off work and don’t feel like myself. I’m completely overwhelmed. 

He says he loves me, only ever wanted our family etc but then is in denial on how bad this problem is. He says currently £7-10000 debt but I’m not so sure. 

He won’t show me the different bank statements and just turns it on me saying I’m fixated by money. The whole pattern on our account has changed over the last few months and I can only see bills and shopping. 

It’s really hard to explain to people the level of hurt I feel. I’ve supported him through so much career wise. I haven’t worked but now work part time on nowhere near his salary. To know we’ve gone without when we should’ve had so much more is unreal. For example holidays and home improvements. He’s always said I don’t know how people afford it but he earns double the average salary. We have a very low mortgage etc so it all just doesn’t make sense to me. 

a few of years ago I helped his sister through a difficult time. Her mental illness suffered during Covid and she turned to drink. Binge drinking to the point she needed medical intervention. She had a baby and small child at the time. This was repeated two years ago to the point she had her children removed from her care. I stepped in and did everything I could to help her when everyone else turned their backs. Anyway, what I’m trying to do is work out if there is a link between his family and mental health. His sister with alcohol addiction and my husband gambling. Ironic thing is that whilst I was focused on helping her recovery for hours on end at a&e/ with professionals/ caring for her children- my husband was hiding a secret addiction from me! I’m sorry you had a difficult time yourself with post natal depression. 

I feel trapped in an unbelievable situation 

From one Claire to another, thanks for your reply xx

 
Posted : 30th March 2025 8:20 am
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