As I've said I really need to hear from some partners of gamblers who have stuck around and made a success of things. My husband is on his 4th last chance at the moment (I know it's pathetic) he is going to meetings and counselling and has self excluded from all bookies near us. We have worked out what he owes and a plan of how he will pay it back, this will hurt us as we have a toddler and one on the way and we were just about to buy a house which has been put off. Anyway, I'm prepared to do all of this and be responsible for the finances and support him but at times I worry it's hopeless. He certainly seems a lot more committed and determined this time but I know all it takes is a moment of madness that he can't overcome. I'm constantly anxious and stressed. What are the odds? How many gamblers stop and stay stopped? I still love him and want it to work.
You need to get to a point where you know he can't gamble. Then you won't feel as anxious and stressed. Does he mainly gamble online? Then take all his access to credit and debit cards away. I am a gambler whose husband found out and I have £20 a week to live off. I have no access to cards or excess money. It sounds rubbish but actually it is the most relief I have felt in years as I don't even have to think about not gambling - because I can't even if I wanted to. If he is willing and serious about quitting he won't have a problem with this set up. Good luck xxx
Hes never been to a casino or bet online. Its only bookies and only horses. He has 1 bank account which his wage goes into then that gets transferred to me so he should have no money. We have done this for years. What he was doing was taking loans and overdrafts and a credit card I didn't know about. Now I have cancelled the card and took over his online banking and have access to his experien report so that I can see any new activity. He has self excluded. He is going to meetings and says he's committed to stopping and he usually is for the first few months. The thing is I can't be with him 24 hours a day and if he really wants to do it then he will find a way, this is what frightens me. He swears he's had enough and this time he wants to sort his life out but I'm just so scared that it will happen again and it will be more serious. X
Hey,
I think the line "if he really wants to do it, he will find a way" needs addressing. All avenues need to be blocked, self exclusion from bookies with a photo, limiting money, not having means to withdraw from accounts that he may have loans paid into etc. Also be proactive and block other forms of gambling such as online just in case. I used K9, still do and I cannot get around it if I try. If it's impossible to gamble then he won't and there are ways to make it impossible.
Ask yourself what has changed between his first last chance, to his second, third and fourth? When a relapse occurs generally something changes in order to prevent it. It might be strengthening blocks or different forms of recovery. If nothing has changed then he will likely relapse again.
Gamblers do stop for good, although it is important that complacency never sets in. Always keep up the blocks. As time goes by the desire to gamble subsides, but we are always one bet away from being a problem gambler again.
Take care, read a lot on the site and look at the success stories and family and friends threads for lots more info and advice!
Abet
Hi BKL
It would be advisable to check the credit reports from Call credit and Equifax too as lenders can report to some agencies and not others. You will need to do this on an ongoing basis. Call credit (Noddle) and Equifax (Clearscore) offer free services. It would also be advisable to check your own reports as it's not unknown for gamblers to take out loans in a partner's name. Credit reports are only updated every month which leaves a bit of a loophole in between reports. I have paid for an alert service which emails me should new accounts be opened between reports. I think this is included in the monthly fee for Experian if you subscribe to that but worth looking into. Mr L has also placed notices of correction with every agency stating he does not wish to be offered any credit even if he applies for it and/or appears to qualify.
Has your husband looked into a DMP which if agreed will mean affordable repayments and hopefully the freezing of interest and charges so the debts don't increase?
You are right though that if he wants to do it he will. The only thing you can do is have the finances set up so you can see at a glance if anything is going on and keep them under very close scrutiny (I check the only account Mr L can access daily). Get as much as you can (savings and assets) into your sole name and sever as much financial connection with him as you can. Basically do everything you can to minimise any financial damage he can do. You can't control him or fix him but you can protect your own interests which will give you some reassurance. If he carps at doing anything you need to feel secure be wary. He lost the right to call the shots when he put you in this situation.
Yeah I definitely have control of all the finances nothing is joint. I feel I'm as on top of it as I can be at this point. There has been about 4 relapses. The previous times for some reason have never seemed to serious to me at the time (I know that sounds strange I think I was just very naive and underestimating it) so apart from taking his wage I never did anything else. Not checks on his account no passwords and no making sure he attended regular meetings. I know it sounds crazy but it's easier to go back to normality and live in blissful ignorance. We have a son and one on the way and I'm a nurse on nightshift and a responsible adult and I expected him to be one aswel I suppose. When I say if he wants to relapse he will I mean he will do it despite his and my efforts for him not to but I can't take responsibility for his addiction I can't physically stop him. All I can do is draw the line and if he crosses it i walk. We are lucky that I have saved a lot of our money and we get a decent wage so at this stage we can (or he can with over times!) Pay off his debts and still manage to live. I wouldn't like to have any debt management company or trust deed in place as it will affect our credit and so far it's not too bad. X
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