End of days

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Hi The clouds

After Reading your post and in particular, the last two paragraphs, it sounds like you are considering something irreversible. Please talk to the chat admins or talk to someone. I was in a similar boat yesterday when I severely relapsed yet again and also had similar thoughts about how it would set my family and my daughter free. But this is completely not true. This only replaces hurt and pain with an even bigger hurt and pain and one that will never end if you do something bad. Yes, you’ve made a massive mistake but as someone said to me yesterday when I was where you are “Don’t use a permanent solution to fix a temporary situation”.

Yes they will be angry, upset and hurt. But you have the ability to change this if you get help and support so it will not last forever. 

The other solution doesn’t fix or help anyone so please, please talk to someone.

Maybe have a read of my thread if it maybe would help titled “ rock bottom gets worse” and read all of the advice and support there. I was in a really bad place yesterday and although nothing is fixed today, I am thinking more rationally about what I need to do and that was through talking and receiving advice.

Please update us when you feel ready.

Lonely

Hi Theclouds,

Please understand you're not alone there are many who've reached this point and gone on to recover & live happily and free from addiction. Not only do i find your post troubling, i also get the impression you really have reached rock bottom. Getting to that point means from here there's only one way we can go and that's back up & on to a better life. Please ring the help line and speak to someone before you make any rash decisions. 

Best Wishes

AL

Thank you for the replies - you both make your points beautifully. I see how words can (and do) save lives. 

From my perspective, I have seen and felt the hurt that has been caused by people taking their lives but equally, I have seen people given new leases of life, free of the endless burdens and demands and mood swings. A friend of mine had a wife who was an alcoholic, and  she died a couple of years ago. Of course he grieved, as everyone did, but before long he was in a convertible mercedes and never looked back! 

Like many gamblers, I am not the person I was. I see it all the time - a general apathy, a newfound social awkwardness, few interests. Anxieties of letting people down are ever-present but the thing that got me through these changes in self was hope. An almost crazy belief that things were about to change, and that's a difficult ingredient to replicate when these changes feel embedded. In truth, every eventuality is overwhelmingly daunting and each mountain as steep as the next. 

That said, I am still here, as you are.

I've never had a day like today. It's a day in which I've consciously let go of the gambling (I self excluded after coming here earlier, which wasn't as hard as I thought it would be) but I am scared. I don't know what will happen next. I have nothing to replace gambling with and don't feel like I'm out of the woods. In truth, I'm more scared of people's reactions than I am of quietly leaving this life behind but the people close to me are good people and deserve more than a quitter. 

Thank you again for helping to put a few things into perspective. It is one lonely addiction!

X

Hi The clouds

I am so happy to see your reply. Yes, it is a very lonely addiction. That is why coming to this site and chatting to like-minded people is so important as it does take away some of the loneliness. 

Just like you are, I am also feeling scared about what happens next and what the future holds but we should be thinking along the lines that we are lucky enough to have a future to change if we choose to. I have read some really sad news stories today and that helped put it into perspective. Some people don’t have a choice about their future, but we do. 

Its not going to be easy by a long stretch but it is achievable if we really want to change. First of all make sure you have every block possible in place so even if you get cold feet, you are restricted. 

I left one avenue open which was the cause of my latest downfall. You are probably aware of blocks but just a list of all the things I can think of if any will help. 

Gamstop - to block all online transactions 

Monzo bank account -This allows you to block gambling transactions. 

Reduce withdrawal limit to like £50 to limit access to cash. 

I believe there are schemes such as Moses and sense which allow you to self-exclude from bookies and casinos. I have never visited any in my life but still going to complete this action as a preventative measure for the future. 

Self-exclude from local bingo halls.

only have a card and have someone you can confide in check your bank regularly- Although if you have the above in place it would be pretty difficult to gamble on your card. 

Maybe hand over your finances to someone you trust.

put on gambling blocks into phone, tablet or pc - whichever you use. 

Keep a diary and post regularly

Join the chat room if you are having a bad day and read other’s diaries

Most importantly, find someone who you trust to confide in. It won’t be pretty, but it means you have someone to discuss it with. 

I know this may seem funny coming from me seeing as I only relapsed myself two days ago but most of the above I had put into place and this has prevented me from doing this every payday for the last 14 months. I left two left unchecked which was not excluding from my local bingo hall and being able to access large withdrawals. I have self-excluded from the bingo hall and this afternoon closing all bar my Monzo account with a restricted withdrawal limit. Even this won’t be 100% fool proof but it will mean that if I ever did give in which I am not planning to, the damage would be minimal and I’d have time to reflect without any real financial damage done. 

As for the free time and hobbies, I think that is one of the trickiest parts. This is one I need to work on.

Lastly, the reference to the guy you knew who lost his wife, he may have seemed to have got past it easily but you never know what someone is feeling on the inside. Or maybe their relationship wasn’t that great. One thing I do know, is it would be really tough to loose a partner but I don’t think people ever move on from losing a parent or a child by suicide. So if you are a son or a father (assuming your a male from your post) then this does not apply so don’t think you will be doing anyone a favour. You will only leave them with questions they will never get an answer to. 

I hope you are feeling a little bit better then this morning. 

Lonely

The clouds.

It is great to hear that you have taken that huge first step in consciously deciding that you want and need to stop gambling and self excluding. I complete understand that you feel lost right now, it wasn’t so long ago when I experienced the same. I too considered all options for addressing the hurt and pain that I had within myself and had caused my family. I chose to really get stuck into recovery and I have never regretted my choice. 

One thing is for certain, this doesn’t need to be a lonely addiction. There is plenty of support here for you and all of us. Wishing you all the best x

Hi the clouds

just checking in to see how you are doing this evening?

Lonely

Hi,

Thank you for your message and continued support. The evening has been remarkably quiet. It has been a hellish day so I've put my brave face on tonight (something we've all perfected, I'm sure!) and maintained everything's ok. 

Tomorrow is a new day, but I think this forum may prove invaluable. 

I'm grateful for the messages of support, and there were some particularly helpful pointers in the messages above which I've started looking into. 

I know there are people here feeling just as despondent as I have been, so I hope I can repay the favour moving forward and help a few out in return.

This is the beginning of a long journey.  One step at a time...

Hi The clouds

I’m happy to see your update and that you are safe and well. 

I was a mess yesterday and today I’m much better. A lot of that is to do with the support I received from this forum so I encourage for you to keep coming back and also write your thoughts down, especially if you have no one else to speak to. 

I know what you mean about the brave face. It’s tough, maybe when your emotions are less heightened you may feel you can confide in someone. 

I’ll be checking in to follow your progress  and to offer support on this journey. It also helps to help others on here which you mentioned in time you would like to do. It does help. 

Hope you get some sleep tonight and tomorrow is a better day.

Lonely

Hi

How are you feeling?