Hi everyone! I’ve been a long time “lurker” of this forum and I’m finally ready to say hello 🖐️
A little (a lot!) about me:
The first time I gambled was on a trip to Las Vegas with my dad 11 years ago. I was always very disciplined - only betting with the money in brought to the table, and walking away when it was gone. Back then, I never ever thought that I would be in the situation that I’m in today. I would then visit local casinos with friends on special occasions (birthdays, etc) and enjoyed being the person who “knew the system”. How wrong I was.
One day, I don’t know when, I started gambling online. Not every day. Sometimes not for years. But enough for me to lose an eye watering amount of money. I self excluded from all the UK casinos but of course, I found loopholes.
Through some serious self reflection, I can see a pattern to when I choose to gamble. Weirdly, it’s always when I have very little money. And not so weirdly, when I feel really really down and out of control in some part of my life.
For the past few years, I hadn’t gambled. I have a really good job, paydays are always coming and I have very few outgoings, bills, etc. I should be saving a lot, and have in the past.
But then I had a pretty rough Christmas (I got mugged, for one thing) and all the bad habits came back. As I got further and further into a financial hole, I truly believed that this was “my problem”, and I could deal with it on my own. WRONG! I got to rock bottom - and broke down. I wasn’t sleeping, I was throwing up every morning because of the debilitating shame, and knowing I had lied to my husband for years and years. I couldn’t take it anymore.
I finally came clean to my husband on 24th May. It was the single hardest conversation I’ve ever had in my life. To his credit, he took it a lot better than I expected (I already had a bag packed thinking he was going to kick me out). We put lots of financial plans in place and he now controls all of the finances which is exactly what I wanted. I felt…. not “better”….but a bit lighter. But I knew that any tiny bit better I felt, I had just transferred that pain onto him.
Then on 6th June, I did it again. I got an email from the casino I’d been using to say I had cash back that I could withdraw immediately. Brilliant! Silly me. I went on the site and that was it. Smashed through all the cash back. Asked my bank for an overdraft which they granted immediately and i wiped through in less than an hour. Went back to my bank and asked for credit. Got that too. Gone in an hour.
I confessed to my husband and now it isn’t such a good situation. He doesn’t look at me the same way anymore. I’m not sure he ever will. There is so much at stake. He’s said he doesn’t want to try for another baby until the trust is rebuilt (totally understandable) which means my actions may well mean that my daughter won’t have a sibling. That cuts really deep.
Hence why I’m here. I’m more determined than ever to kick this. I know it will take time and my actions will speak louder than any words I say.
Here I go. One week clean.
Hi there.
Well done for owning up to what you have done and being open and honest 👏👏👏. Like me, it sounds like you are very sensible in other aspects of your life but this gambling addiction has been your weak spot. It doesn’t need to be like that anymore. With the right blocks in place, writing in your diary and reading other people’s and visiting the live chat, these can all help with support and motivation. It may also be worth having your bank put a block on any future gambling transactions - you might be able to do this online without having to contact them as I know this can feel embarrassing.
I wish you strength and peace going forward on your journey. 🙏. Well done also for getting through your first week - often the hardest! 👏👏👏.
Take care.
Pink Lady. 🩷🍎.
Welldone for reaching out dont be too hard on myself i was clean for almost 3 years then got an unexpected train fine like any normal person would have paid it off but not me i went on a gambling binge and won 10X the amount what do i do i carry on on and the fine ended up costing me 100X amount i realised this addiction is here to stay even the i had no intention to gamble due to the stress gambling thoughts came back to me, im currently 340 days clean however im on this site daily which i previously wasent doing and i have made a few changes in my life
Thanks to both of you for your kind words and support, very much appreciated
@4e8wbnau59 well done with the conversation you had back in May and the steps you have taken since.
Don't be too hard on yourself for most recent relapse. Kicking this is often about 2 steps forwards and 1 step back. The important thing is that you are on the right path.
You may need many blocks in place right now. The following has helped me.
1) I have self excluded with all UK casinos.
2) Blocked all gambling transactions with my bank.
3) Installed Gamban on all devices (this has been amazing as it really works)
4) I brought a key safe and have all bank credit cards in it, only my wife knows the code. I only have one debit card that I asked my wife to remove the security number from on the back so can't be used online but means I still have access to money when I need it but not for online transactions.
5) I ask my wife to go through our statements each month.
All of this has literally meant I cannot gamble. I don't have access to the means.
The loss of trust can be very painful. It was the thing that hurt the most, but I told my wife that I don't trust myself either. Now because she can see how I have put all of these blocks in place the trust is returning, trust from her and trust in myself.
Having said this, anyone can be stopped from gambling. You could just lock them in a room with no money and no internet access. But for long term recovery I think you need more than just the above blocks.
Do you know why you gamble? The NHS has some good programs of Cognitive behavioural Therapy and other treatment for problem gamblers, but it can depend where in the UK you live. I am lucky and have been given CBT that has been priceless.
For now well done on the week GF. Make sure you reward your none gambling. You may not feel as though you deserve it but you do and it can be a real positive reinforcement to non gambling behaviour.
@thebean thank you so much for your reply - honestly this forum has already made such a huge positive impact on me!
I'll definitely try the CBT thing - I'm super lucky to have private healthcare through my employer so I can probably access something that way 🙂 I'll have a check!
I'm trying really hard not to beat myself up too hard but I think the lapse I had last week really hurt my husband and his pain is palpable. I'll forever feel guilty for how much I've hurt him. I did try to explain that recovery is rarely a linear straight line on a graph (we're both scientists, ha!) but it's really hard for him to understand my addiction as he just isn't the type of person who succumbs to things like this. And I'm struggling to answer his questions about why I gambled (hence, the CBT thing sounds like it could really help me get to the bottom of "why").
I just hope that as each day passes without me gambling, and him seeing all the effort I'm putting in to change, the trust will slowly return. All I can do is try my hardest and keep talking about it with him, and everyone here.
I'm actually going to an AA meeting tonight (no GA meetings nearby) - I've recognized that drinking a lot massively impairs my judgement and often leads to gambling...so I'm trying to curb my alcohol intake as much as possible too. A bit nervous, but I'm going with a good friend who is in recovery for multiple addictions so at least I'll have a friendly face with me!
Wish me luck!
Have a great weekend 🙂
4e8wbnau59 It is hard when you see yourself as a logical person yet you do illogical things i.e. gamble
I am a Healthcare Science Practitioner who spends most days reading blood results and then talking to patients about how they can improve their quality of life by making lifestyle changes. I look at clinical evidence and make rational recommendations.
I am also capable of saving enough Tesco points to get a free loaf of bead then going home to blow an entire month's salary at an online casino LOL
Looking into the role of dopamine (and its interaction with serotonin) when gambling and how it affects the mesolimbic dopaminergic system helped me understand why the hell I just could not stop. I also drank so depressed my ability to make the right decisions which led to increased gambling.
CBT is not a magic fix but does give you the tools to understand why we gamble and remap those neurons so we can regain control.
You have a great weekend as well.
@thebean thank you 🙂
I have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder (type 2) and ADHD - I underwent some nifty genetic testing and the results really helped me logically understand my behavior and way of thinking from hard scientific facts. Both of these conditions mean I have a shortage of dopamine, which makes sense why I chase that hit somewhere else.
Gotta love science!
@4e8wbnau59 Yep. And you can build a tolerance to dopamine so need to increase the stakes you are betting to get the same hit. This is why people often start with small deposits/bets but find themselves increasing the amounts to get the same rush. I would do it without even processing what I was doing as though in a haze.
Another sad side effect is that it means we don't get the same dopamine hit from everyday things when you are gambling. I just felt numb or anxious and only ever half present.
Increased levels of dopamine when we gamble can suppress serotonin as well.
I will shut up now lol But yes, Gotta love science!
@thebean nah - I love the science chat! you’re speaking my language 😆
Congrats on owning up. I’ve said in many posts that honesty is the key. You seem to have a good grip on that. Next time you feel and urge or get an email, please take a step back and read your first post here. It’s what I do with my first post. I started a diary to record how low my life had become due to gambling. I read it regularly to remind myself what I’ve lost. It’s tough to argue with yourself when you see it written down. Your brain will forget the lows when it thinks it can get some dopamine hits so it’s important to bring it back to reality with a dose of ‘here’s what you’ll lose’ therapy!
Good luck in your journey. Will be keeping a close eye on it, because I want you to succeed and also because you may be of help in my open university degree in the future 😂😂
Stay strong 💪
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