Gambled after one year in the clear

I don't understand any of it. Never have but if Mr L should gamble again I'd rather know about it not least to up my own financial protection. You are now carrying the weight of a toxic secret which is hard to hide. It's quite likely your wife knows something is up even if she doesn't know what. How will it go if she finds out what it is for herself?

On a further note unscrutinised access to the finances makes it very much easier for gambling to sneak back in and gamblers are adept at leaving doors ajar. Is that a loophole you can consider closing?

Thanks again for the input . I’m not going to gamble for the interim I know that becuase it’s not possible and I don’t want to . I will tell the wife but not at the moment . It will be better in a few weeks and I can back it up with a positive . I could have lost the lot but something inside me switched and I wasn’t prepared to undo all of the good work I did . By telling her now it will not be helpful . I have access to money like I have had BUT no access to gamble now the gambloc stops me in UK and I have banned myself internationally . To be honest I just don’t want to go through it all again , I’ve taken this one on the chin, realised that I still need assistance and support through this and my friend and can continue to be gamble free

Day 1 (again)

Really struggling at the moment just lost another £2k. Had not much sleep this week and had to take a morning off work because of it . Gone through the motions , closed my accounts , told my friends but this time told my mum and my wife . Not had a response from my mum but I think my marriage is over after this . Trust has gone and she thinks I’m damaged . Anyway that’s the update I feel like crying , why do we always revert to type ?

Really sorry to read this Bryan, as you know I am no expert. All you can do now is concentrate on one day at a time. There are many here who can offer advice with relationships and money who have managed far better than I have but I do know the damaging effect of damaging your own self-esteem and doubting your own strength. You need to be proud of what you did achieve and to get back to winning your own battle.

I sometimes think we crave drama, and damage our own happiness in an almost purposeful way. Or that deep down we think we don't deserve it. But we do. We all do. And you should be proud of your achievements and how you've helped others already.

Perhaps giving your wife time, more control over money and a look at this forum may help? (But hey, I can't bring myself to utter a word to anyone in real life, so you may want to ignore that!)

Stay strong x

Bryan, I feel for you mate.

Stress and similar things can be triggers for me as well, its finding that coping mechanism you had over the last year to not gamble when you had these triggers because there must of been something?

Fair play on telling the family, I’m not able to do that... It would be the same outcome for me and im not strong enough. They deserve to know but I dont want to ruin them as well as myself.

I’d definitely look back at the help you had back then now mate, and make sure this isn’t recurring because you’ve done so well to this point, get back on track. All the best

Ok so I’ve stepped back and taken a breath . Positives well not many except I don’t have to hide now and all my blocks are in place . They are all onto me now . Last time I created a 5k overdraft that went in one night . Thankfully didn’t do that this time . Negatives . Well I feel c**P that’s for sure . It’s like some self fulfilling prophecy that keeps happening when I manage to stop gambling . I know I can’t keep doing it , I can undo a years worth of hard work in a couple of hours . Thanks for your comments it really is one day at a time starting now

You say all your blocks are in place. Have you offered either your wife or your mother control of your finances? You know from reading here removing your access to money is a basic first step. At the very least it shows them you're serious and gives them some reassurance.

At risk of repeating myself I'd also recommend investigating GA. You will find people there who credit regular attendance with years and decades worth of gf time. An hour or two a week is a tiny inconvenience for that.

Ive spent a good few hours reading through your posts today and I can’t imagine how hard it must of been to track a over years’ worth of progress and then have a massive blowout it scares the living s**t out of me

I stopped counting days a long time ago and this whole story reinforces my theory about needing to understand and tackle the addiction at source before you are able to control it ( and ultimately beat it )

im still searching for the answer but for me it boils down to wanting more from my life and wanting it instantly as opposed to putting the long graft in for it, I think until I reach my full potential in life I will always be liable to gamble

All these measures like giving up financial control , counting down days , councilling , software none of them will stop someone who still thinks about gambling and wants to gamble (I’ve learnt the hard way)

i hope you manage to put these losses behind you and you work things out with the wife

Thanks Lethe for your continued support .

Nipped thanks for your input as well . It always humbles me that someone will invest their time and effort reading my story and for that I appreciate you . For the blow out as you call it , it can happen to anyone . I guess if you want to gamble you will . I’ve had this condition since the 1980”s so I’m sure it will never disappear . I just have to live with it and manage it . So this was a bump in the road and I’ve got through it now . Had a great conversation with the wife and things are now better than ever . I lost a connection with her and gambling was never discussed and that’s probably part of the problem . Also she hasn’t been working properly for months and I’ve been subsidising her all the time so she admits she needs to accept some responsibility. She wanted to move house (well we both did ) but she voluntarily gave her job up as she didn’t like it . The fact that we may move and I have to pay a mortgage of £1800 a month on top of subsidising her and all the other expenses I think it got too much for me . So change of plan , we are staying at the house we have , releasing some equity to do up the house and saving myself a few hundred a month with the much better interest rate I will get . So the pressure has gone . I haven’t thought about gambling , I’m being transparent with her about it . So I’m putting this last one down to experience , if it was easy everyone would be doing it wouldn’t they ?

Deflecting any part of the blame is manipulation and self-deceit. If your wife doesn't want to discuss gambling she shouldn't have to. The only thing I wanted to hear about it was that it was over. You chose not to share the financial pressure with her, you chose to retain access to cash. She didn't influence either of those choices.

I really don't want to sound harsh and I don't expect you to want to hear what I've said but gamblers are adept at shifting blame. If someone else made them do it it isn't their fault. Part of recovery is accepting responsibility for your actions. All that said relieving the financial pressure in the way you describe sounds like a very good plan 🙂

Lethe it’s not that black and white as you describe it . There are pressures in life that come along and gamblers sometimes have triggers . I think now the fog has cleared I can see what those triggers are for me personally and next time I will be honest with the wife and deal with it . I’m not blaming anyone else for this but my significant other hasn’t assisted by wanting to maintain her good lifestyle without wanting to work to do it . I have a high pressured job and with all the other factors I guess I crumbled with it . The decision to stay in my current house will mean that the impending financial pressure won’t be there . It won’t matter if the wife doesn’t work as I can afford for us to live comfortably . But I do appreciate your thoughts and input , wouldn’t always be good if we all agreed on everything would it ?

Day 4

So despite the slip I feel upbeat about everything . No thoughts of gambling I hope that ship has sailed . Spoke to my mortgage guy it was good news . 2 years ago I was finishing a DMP and only had a small amount of lenders . Now I just got a decision in principle from a high street bank . Took house off the market today and we will have funds to do the improvements we need and I will save a small fortune based upon the new interest rates plus reducing the length of my mortgage . It honestly feels like a weight has been lifted . I’ve shocked myself recently by my gambling and I’m not prepared to go through this roller coaster again

Bryan I am concerned you are focusing a lot on your finances & debts and shifting them around to fill financial holes created by gambling

When I was at my worst I was around 11 grand in debt I still had an option of shifting debt about or borrowing off family to sort it out

Had I done that I very much doubt I would of ever learnt the true danger of gambling beyond my means

Instead i took an iva cancelled my overdraft, cut all my credit cards and loan agreements up and began living life without credit it was difficult at first and some months were a real stretch but slowly I learnt again what a hundred pound was

Arguably the best financial lesson I’ve ever learnt and now I will never take credit for anything ever again because it is fools gold

Similar to gambling you end up paying back every penny with interest

Hi Bryan a great read here brilliant to see your doing well! You seem very focused to get this under control and I am hoping i can follow suit aswell , all the best keep up the good work!

Thanks Nipped for the comments . My finances have improved substantially since I finished my DMP. I’m just restructuring to take advantage of the low interest rate I can now get . My wife has control of the money , i just don’t want to punish or stress myself if I don’t have to . Away from gambling my life is good , I still play pool and snooker and have 2 great kids , a lot to focus on . I’m trying to not feel down about last week , only to focus on positives and take appropriate action to avoid stres through my wife not being in employment . We have no access to benefits of any kind so it’s down to me to work hard and be creative with the finances

j12 thanks for your kind words it’s not an easy thing to stop as I’ve proven time and again but the fact is we are all on this website for a reason and that’s to stop gambling . Some it may take days to stop and that’s it , some it’s a lifelong quest but we are still all wanting the same end result