depressed, destruction, truly horrific, nervous, anxious, hypnotic trance of selfishness, disgust, heartless, pointless, embarrassment, lies, deceit, disregard, dread, fear, self loathing, low self esteem, no self respect, horrific, mortifying, stupidity, ruinous, hatred, suicidal thoughts, awfulness, cause mental health issues, soulless, reaching out, desperation, shame….
Hi all,
this is my first ever post…….I joined last week and all I have done is spend hours every day reading YOUR posts. The words above are what I have copied and pasted from your posts, as these are only ‘some’ of the words that I relate to and feel or have felt. I do not feel suicidal though, but these thoughts have entered my head in the past. This I would never do…or harm myself physically, that I do know.
I have spent hours every day reading your posts and they have made me feel both physically sick and also inspired. They have made me feel like that because I have related to them so very deeply, and reading the words like the above, made me feel the pain so much more. I haven’t bet since I joined and read your posts, which is now 5 days. I still feel so very stomach churning sick…..the same sickness feeling you get after a heavy losing session. My losses appear to be life changing for me as the sums are great. I guess all the sums are great to us all, no matter the actual value or how many zeros. I had to sell my house for one. It doesn’t seem real. When using cards and pins they are just numbers, we don’t see that as money. We only see it as money when we get the statements through the post…then it’s reality and dreadful fear and panic. Or when we can’t pay what we should have paid before we played and that feeling we get when leaving the shop…knees are wobbly….the ghostly shake…
What seems even more incredulous, is that a machine…a computer.. has managed to change who I am and with it….take my so very hard earned money…..not sure which one has been the cruellest.
I am 46 years old and started on the FOBT and online roulette when I was 40….I do not know why exactly, I was never a gambler before it has taken 6 years to fundamentally change me and destroy what I had. I don’t bet on anything else, never understood the horses and dogs, never interested in sports betting at all. It’s roulette, but only the high street crack ones now. I self excluded from online casinos about three years ago and haven’t indulged there since.
My other problem that is associated with this is my drinking. Of course, they go hand in hand. I find it so much easier to avoid when I am not drinking. I nearly cried while I was reading posts from people with the same issues….really drove it deep. Heart breaking aren’t strong enough words. I still feel so completely at a loss as to what made me start, as before I was quite a strong willed person with motivation and desires, I was a go getter, I wanted, and did achieve things, I was content and liked who I was. Where has that gone??? It’s so utterly soulless. I feel so feeble and weak, the self hatred is enormous
I have done two immediate things that have helped me immensely these past five days. The first one is to change the way I drink. I know I can’t quit both at the same time, (it really would be asking far too much!). I am consciously drinking much slower….this really helps me….it keeps me in the ‘sane’ area…and I find I can stop at a certain point, which I have been doing…..as opposed to drinking quickly….don’t know when to stop…downward spiral….just another 100 maybe….then not remembering the full amount……HORROR the next morning…..The other thing I have done is to print out all those words I first typed and put it in my pocket. I passed a shop at the weekend and felt a bit wobbly….I pulled it out and read it again…then got my train home instead of risking seeing the evil ‘Misty Curtain’ again.
I want write so much more, but I think this might be too long for a first post….
Lastly, I’d like to thank you all for those words above and the honesty you have shown…I know it has helped me…..I sincerely hope it continues to.
well Freddie , welcome , and yes those words you keep in your pocket ,well done. if that what helps you wanting to give up so be it and keep doing it..as a compulsive gambler too ,we all get different inspirations to try and give up . keep coming back here too because reading and commenting helps on the road to recovery . i have lost the internet urge to gamble and coming here has been a huge part ..keep up the good work freddie, and look forward to a gamble free rest of your life which you can enjoy without stressing ..again, all the best mate
Hi Freddie555,
I too found strength from other survivors when I found sites such as this & although I know now I will never be cured, I have not put a penny in a machine since! I'm not a drinker myself so for me there were no times when I had more control than others so this is a valuable tool in your armoury, congratulations on figuring that out so quickly!
Congratulations too on choosing the train over the shop...I had a similar fight in my early days & ended up riding the escalator several times up to the car, down to the shop before I was able to tell myself "Just for today, you choose No" & believe it. That was the 1st time I ever remember feeling a sense of pride & all of a sudden it mattered not that I must have looked like a right idiot getting off & walking back to go the other way again. Soon you will be able to walk past the shop & just smile a knowing smile to yourself - sometimes I do a little snort & can't decide if it's pride or disgust but I don't care because I am not dropping in.
I don't think there are word limits on here so get typing...People will be waiting to read!
The computer hasn't changed you, you are still you, it just messed with your wiring for a bit. This may be a hard addiction to beat but unlike most of the others it doesn't do permanent physical damage to us.
Way to go on 5 days, I look forward to reading more as you start living your life again - ODAAT
Thanks Lollypop and ODAAT,
All these words all just so very true....I was having a lovely life till I hit 40.....don't know why I suddenly succumbed to addictions....it's something I wonder about everyday....don't know if I'll get the answer...even if I do, don't know if it'll help. I realise I am an all or nothing person...well, I certainly have become one now. Today is day 6...a week tomorrow....apart from being out of the country for a couple of weeks, I can't remember the last time I ever did a week without playing...The best thing I can say today is, that wretched, gut churning feeling has subsided quite a bit. Everyday, as soon as I log on here and read, I get that sick stomach feeling straight away, those oh so familiar words everyone uses to describe the painful feelings, brings back the torment...then after reading a few posts, it eases. I so desperately want that 'worthwhile' feeling back again...I want to feel 'honest' again, I want to feel some 'self respect' and 'normalcy' again. I'd love to feel at the end of a working week... that I had 'an honest week'. I whole week without these 'horrifying sessions'. It's just so very scary being in this position. The stupidity of 'falling' into these ghastly and hideous machines....that stupidity is sometimes overwhelming. I know I am not a stupid person, we all know we are not stupid people. I am looking forward to tomorrow.....day 7...1 week. Those words will be in my pocket again tonight....I know what you mean with the escalator...it's that feeling to fight when you know that there is the shop coming up....and then the fight begins....it niggles you.....you niggle back...it niggles a bit harder..and so on and on....you know you have to keep fighting till you are way past the shop and on the train home.....I am so glad I excluded on the internet when I did, although that was a short period of total madness and thousands gone...I knew it was too dangerous for me.....that was such an awful low period....Anyway, back to work now, to try and actually concentrate on the work and not get distracted. I can't wait to hopefully be able to work all day and concentrate on my work all day...to help get back that 'honest feeling'. Let's all look forward to an additional day!! Speak later.
Hi Freddie, Im 36 but I suffer from the same vices as yourself, gambling and alcohol, the 2 together is pretty horrendous I know all about it.
Well done on coming on here and admitting you have a problem, it takes guts. I think the 2 addictions fed off each other, alcohol numbs the pains caused by gambling , but it also lowers the willpower making it seem ok to gamble, the 2 are pretty bad news together.
Nothing worse than waking up, not knowing how much you've blown or who you've hurt.
Things do get better over time, i for one am finding it easier, 91 days clean from gambling. The booze, well i've cut down, but deep down i really need need to stop for good, that battles for another day though.
Theres a world of help out there, if you want it my friend. Start a diary up. post often, self exclude put blocks in place, all the normal stuff that u hear, do it. The days / weeks will soon build up , and the old head will start to see clearer again.
We cannot win, as we cannot stop.
Best of luck , Gav
HI Freddie good opening post on a terrible subject (and addiction) that sick feeling you have is your friend in some ways. It can help remind you of what and where you do not want to be! The problem is the gambling hangover leaves us at one point. The sick feelings go and then the demon jumps back on our shoulder. ..... Just 1 bet ... just a few quid. I can control it now ... and before you know it your back to the same place if not worse.
The battle starts when you start to feel okay. Thats when it gets hard. I have had so many failed stop attempts. Time after time. I dont count the days anymore now. I simply get through each day and sometimes each hour. I choose not to gamble even though many times I desperatly want to. Keep posting and sharing your feelings. It can help. Get your mindset into a place where you can prepare to defend it against the onslaught of thoughts that will come at some point. Those thoughts that can justify you returning to those d**n awful machines. The FOBTS are the curse of the high street and have destroyed 1000s of lives. Fixed odds.... < the clue to what they are in the very name.
I recon you can turn things round and beat this addiction. Cutting down on the booze ... get different interests. I wish you well I really do. Keep posting keep fighting!
Thanks Gav and Deeno....Gav...yes, these two are just so horrific together.....those next day feelings really are the worst...91 days sound amazing...well done for you...I am so glad another in same position is succeeding. I am starting to try and re wire my brain with these two addictions....my approach, firstly to drastically cut down on the booze and to also consciously...and really consciously, slow down how I drink....as you may know, when you knock em back, you just go into that 'don't give a S***e' area of the brain, then next day, mortified. This has really helped me now that I have reached my first full week without playing. Also, with slower drinking...I have been able to stop at the dangerous point and just go home. I like this feeling! I have started this approach...as I know, it would be asking way too much to try and kick both at the same time. Head is also beginning to feel clearer after the first week....and I definitely feel calmer.
Deeno, I totally get what you are saying and it helps me....I have had the sick feeling for the past week, it has eased, but when I log on here and start reading, the kevel goes up again ....it has really helped as in the past, as you say, it's when the sick feeling goes...in the past, the sick feeling lasted a few days and yes, back to playing. Do you think I need to keep having these sick feelings?? I think I do, but at the same time, I don't want to live life like it forever. The different interest thing is a must...it helps to get the life balance more even...as I think most of us started this horrendous journey through boredom. We need another type of distraction.
Many thanks for your posts guys, it helps an awful lot and appreciate the advice immensely. I do look forwards to logging on here when I get to work...it's the first thing I have been doing. Think I'll start a diary soon. Hope you both have a really good Wednesday. Looking forward also to tomorrow.....day 8...I might also be detecting a very slight feeling deep down of positivity......later guys
Hi ya,
If it helps, the sick feeling is not with me constantly anymore! It does come back when I log on & see people hurting but I no longer need it to resist the urges when they come. It's kind of hard to explain as it's a bit of a funny feeling I get now, I guess it's a sort of sense of pride when I choose No...& since there are bookies on every corner nowadays, I feel it a lot.
I hope that positivity is working it's way up - ODAAT
Hi ya,
If it helps, the sick feeling is not with me constantly anymore! It does come back when I log on & see people hurting but I no longer need it to resist the urges when they come. It's kind of hard to explain as it's a bit of a funny feeling I get now, I guess it's a sort of sense of pride when I choose No...& since there are bookies on every corner nowadays, I feel it a lot.
I hope that positivity is working its' way up - ODAAT
Thanks ODAAT....I think I am trying to turn it into a positive for now....I'm treating the sick feeling as my friend for now...as it is definitely keeping me from playing.....today is day 9.....feels really good to be spending money on simple things like shopping.....and really appreciating it.....looking at a big bag of food which doesn't cost much, but as you may know, you don't like much spending money on 'other' things....then thinking of how many times I have wasted '40-50 of these bags of shopping' in one horrendous splurge...I am trying to view the wasted pounds like this now....try to see something physical....it is also heping me.
Today has been the target for me from the start of this. I have just wanted so very much to get through one whole working week.....to finish the week and feel like I have had an 'honest' week. My plan is to finish work and have a couple of beers.....but before I leave, I will 'accidentally' leave my cards at work again, which I have been doing. I want to wake up tomorrow feeling even better....knowing I have reached double figures. I had a real test on Wednesday....I went through my wallet and found I had 200 on a ticket from the FOBT.....from my last disgusting session....I remembered I won 1200 in a shop...but they only had 1000 to give me then...(which all went in the following hours...on top of much more, of course)....This, btw, never happens...usually the opposite...waking up and seeing all those slips from handing the card over to deposit more...truly sickening events. Anyway, I realised, that if I want that money...I will have to go back into the shop to collect it.....stomach now beginning to churn.......I walk down the street....feeling so awful....not really sure what I was going to do.......I walked into the shop.....I felt so incredibly awful...so sick....I went to collect the money...I just wanted to get out of there as soon as I could...even faster than when I would walk in to deposit before......
The guy counted the money, which seemed to take forever......I looked at the machine.....you know what.....instead of that usual..'Come, come, Dear Boy...see if you can beat me'...... the machine looked small....like it was scared of me...like it was trying to hide in a corner....I felt nothing for it.........I got my money and almost ran out of there.....I bought some shopping.....and then the even better feeling....when I got home...I gave my girlfriend the last 100 I owed her.......that felt AMAZING....TRULY f%$£*&% AMAZING.....It was like I EARNED that money....and I did something wise with it for a change......and was good.......The feeling I had standing in that shop during this test...really gave me faith and strength and believe that I might not be actually going into one of these places for sometime yet.....if ever again.... day 9 going forward a little stronger, clamer, happier...hope you have a great day....leaving a little line that I read last night that hit something inside of me...
“Sometimes I can feel my bones straining under the weight of all the lives I’m not living.”
—Jonathan Safran Foer, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close
o*g, that just made my tummy sad! Don't remind me about all the little slips...Getting home & trying to figure out the withdrawals & the credits, plus the cash I'd taken out, did I have enough money in the account to cover it, doing another balance transfer from a credit card, oh, not enough on that one, do a bit more on another one too, will that hit my bank before the withdrawals - Well no more!
I love to hear you shouting 🙂 You did amazing collecting your money (how did I know he was gonna take forever to count it) & I can just picture that machine cowering in the corner & you sticking the proverbial 2 fingers up to it on your way out 🙂
Double figures today & finally a life to live 🙂
Hi Freddie , well done on staying gambling free. One thing you should look for at the start is having "barriers" in place. It really does help in the early days.
You mentioned FOBT's so self exclusion would be a good start, its a pretty straighforward procedure and nothing to be embarrassed about.
Gamblock or betlfiter on your computer if your gambling online, K9 for tablets.
One step which someone kindly said to me on this site, was to order new bank card and scratch the CVV number off the back, it helped me a lot , as i gambling online and that step put an end to that.
If theres someone to hand over your finances (cards ) too that you trust.
Wish you all the best on your journey. q
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