Hi everyone,
After having a conversation with a member of GamCare over the phone, I have decided to post on here and share my experiences with online gambling. Let me begin by sharing when and how I started and where I am now.
August 2016:
I was doing some research for one of the upcoming University modules online and decided to take a break. So, I ended up on youtube watching WSOP Poker tournament. On the right, I have noticed a video of one very popular online stream who regularly posts his online gambling videos and offers the so-called sign-up offers. I decided to use that offer (keep in mind that prior to this day I have never made a single bet online, nor in a land casino). So, I signed up, deposited £20 and received a 100% match bonus and 100 free spins. This is where the hell started. I won, and I won big. From £20 I managed to cash out over £450.
September 2016:
University term started and I felt little stressed. I had some personal issues at home plus all the University work and so decided to visit an online casino again. I deposited, do not remember how much and won again. However, this time I did not cash-out and kept playing until I lost everything.
October 16- Feb 17:
This period was very swingy, I started making regular deposits online and kept winning and losing. I was basically break even. In February of 2017, I remember winning £3.5 thousand pounds on an online slot. I tried cashing out the amount, but the casino I was playing on kept delaying the withdrawal and kept asking for further proof of identities and address. I ended up reversing the withdrawal and losing it all.
Feb 17- Sept 17:
Throughout this period, I was fully hooked. I made hundreds of deposits on 10's of online casinos and ended up losing, self-excluding and setting limits on all of them. I had to sell my car and lie to my family on why I am selling it. I kept chasing the losses. I made schemes, whereby I would 'win £50-75 daily for the next 4-5 months and recoup all of my money I have lost. At this point, I was down about £10.000.
Sept 17-Dec 17:
By the end of December, I was down more than £15.000. I borrowed from my family members to pay for my living expenses and to cover my University travels. I became severely depressed and started neglecting my studies. Prior to the day I started gambling, I was a student receiving 70's and 80's on my course, I, however, ended my second year averaging a 62. In December, I, for the first time in my life contemplated suicide. I seriously thought about easy ways to end all of it. I was seriously considering it.
Now:
Couple of days ago I took my first payday loan. I was advocating against it for a long time and I just cannot believe where I ended up. I do not have any money left in my account, I owe my family members and I am down around £18.000. I really do want to stop, I would give anything to stop. But every morning, when I wake up, all I can think about is how to 'win my money back'. It is destroying me slowly but surely.
This is my story, I just felt like sharing it with you.
Yours truly,
Z
You can't win your money back. Any more gambling will see you deeper in the hole. You need to draw a line under it and accept it's gone.
Come clean to your family. Making yourself accountable to someone else makes it very much harder for you to gamble in secret. Hand over control of your finances and get every block you can into place so you can't access gambling. Hopefully the person you spoke with from Gamcare has pointed you in the direction of the free counselling sessions on offer. It would also be a very good idea to find out about and attend your nearest GA meeting. Alongside practical blocks you will need to identify and address whatever it is that's driving the compulsion. You have a whole life ahead. Don't look back and regret not doing everything in your power to nip this in the bud now.
Well done on coming here Z.
The amounts and specifics may vary but basically your story is the same as most on here, myself included. You have realised your a compulsive gambler and you need help so you came to the right place.
As a compulsive gambler it’s hard to shake the thought of the money lost and we convince ourselves we can win it all back as we have had big wins before. But the reality is we cannot win as long term we simply cannot stop. This is why you reversed that withdrawal, but even if you did not you would have gambled it again eventually.
The only way to beat this is to stop gambling, sounds simple but to compulsive gamblers it is a mammoth task that takes serious effort and support. GA is a great place to get such support, I highly recommend you attend your nearest meeting.
Hey Z it takes a lot of guts to finally admit you have a problem.
If you agree that you are powerless against gambling, (once you start you can't stop), and that your life truly has become unmanagable because of it. Then it stands to reason that you would say "I would give anything to stop". Anything?
If so then why not try and give control of your finances over to a family member. It is a hard thing to do and may even seem embarrassing to you but not as embarrassing as constantly having no money.
I first attended GA in the early 80's. I know how very hard it is to stop. I also know that because I didnt stop when I first went to GA that lead me to a life full of utter misery and pathetic nonsense.
I am 51 now mate, with the exception of a lottery ticket last January I would be over a year free of gambling no bookies, no casinos, no online. It can be done mate, you can stop.
For me I had to change so so much. The first step for me was openning up and being honest with people I trusted.
I wish you well in your quest for a gamble free life.
Take care.
Geordie.
Hi Z
Firstly well done on seeking help for this terrible addiction. I can completely relate to you. I have never in my life been an unhappy or depressed person and gambling made me think all thoughts you have had. I couldn't see any way out. I struggled massively with the guilt and shame through gambling. Unfortunately we can never win our money back as we cannot stop. But you arnt alone and we have all been there. I can honestly say telling all those closest around me was the most difficult thing iv ever had to do and I was 100 percent sure I'd lose everything. But every person has been so supportive and amazing. It was the best decision for me to truly move forward I would encourage anyone to open up to someone when your ready. You need to put the right blocks in place and come to the forum whenever you feel the urge to gamble. This forum has been amazing for me and everyone has been so helpful. There is light at the end of the tunnel. But you need to stop chasing any losses and accept the money is gone, even if we win it back we always want more. Stay positive and take any advice you can.
Bw
Thank you all so much for the comments and the support. Really appreciated.
Z
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