Hello.....again.

Feeling ok today in preparation for phoning Stepchange.As I am not obsessing about Sports I feel more relaxed.There is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Nice one mate that's good to hear. Phoning stepchange is another positive move in the right direction.

It might be easier for you to post on your diary as well. That way you can easily keep track of your progress. Just a thought?

Hi Ra,

Thanks for your post on my wall. It’s mean so much to know someone on here is looking out for me. I wish you all the best and am always here (even if it’s days between log ins). Let’s keep making the right steps and doing everything we can to beat this. We are so fortunate to have the wife’s we do and even though they are hurt and we are gambling addicts over time we can prove this to them and not only them to ourselves that we do not need to gamble and that the devastating loss of family is a million times worse than losing a bet of any value. I’ve been listening to after gambling podcasts this week. It’s been helpful in my start to recovery and hearing me up for my first ga meeting. Take care.

RA1990 wrote: Just over 2 weeks GF. I'm still thinking about different aspects of the addiction. Today I was thinking about just how much time and attention it takes from you. My main issue was with tennis betting, particularly in play. When I think to what and how I used to bet it's crazy! I would log on and go straight to the in play tennis and pick a random match. 9/10 times I would have absolutely no idea who either player was. They could have been made up for all i know. I would then bet on who would win that match, or set without doing any research or even checking the pre match odds. Then i sit there watching the little virtual tennis ball go back and forth on the screen until the score changes. If I was out, or I was with the wife I would constantly be getting my phone out to check the scores, making sure I could quickly open up a social media app if someone was to look over my shoulder. It's not until you stop to think about it and actually write it down you realise how sad it is. I could have done so much better things with all that wasted time (and money obviously) It's depressing, but it's these thoughts that need to push me to abstain. I must remember that I can't win as I can't stop. RA.

Morning RA... it’s actually crazy reading your story, it’s almost identical to mine, even with regards to mainly betting on tennis and watching every point as a single score without knowing anything about who or where the tennis was even being played!!! Absolutely crazy when you put it into words. It feels great to not be doing it and even better that I don’t have to worry if someone is looking over my shoulder! The fact that our story’s are exactly the same, proves that we are not alone, we can do this together. One thing I would say, from previous relapses, try not to look to far ahead. Constantly just take one day at a time and you’ve got this man! Good Luck R

Day 19.

No real cravings, but this is nothing new. I was never one to gamble daily, I was a binge gambler. Sessions could last a few days, or weeks. Then I would go two weeks without placing a single bet, and then I'd jump aboard the train and that would derail as per usual.

Trying to take one day at a time. Spending a lot of time on the forums. I will try and join in the chat room one of these evenings.

All the best guys.

RA

RA1990 wrote: Day 19. No real cravings, but this is nothing new. I was never one to gamble daily, I was a binge gambler. Sessions could last a few days, or weeks. Then I would go two weeks without placing a single bet, and then I'd jump aboard the train and that would derail as per usual. Trying to take one day at a time. Spending a lot of time on the forums. I will try and join in the chat room one of these evenings. All the best guys. RA

Hi Ra,

I’ve been exactly the same with gambling sessions and by it not being everyday and then on runs when I won, I soon forgot the losses.

Have you any plans this weekend? Have you checked out the podcast yet?

OAU

Morning OAU.

Yea I've listened to 6 or 7 episodes of the podcast. Really enjoying it, and although it's a different type of betting to what I did, all the principles are the same, and I can relate to pretty much everything he says.

Quiet weekend for me. The wife was out last night so I was home alone with the little one, which normally would be the perfect time to have a flutter as I wouldn't have to worry about being caught but blocks are in place and I stayed string so I'm happy about that.

I wish you a good gamble free weekend mate.

RA

Hey ALN.

Yes the days are starting to mount now. I wouldn't say it gets easier as such. We all want to stop for ever after a big loss, so those first few days (for me especially) are easier as its fresh and raw. Once this clears and things are less raw that's when I find the hard work really starts and you need to make sure all barriers are in place. It feels different this time around. I've mentioned it on a few others diaries about how much being honest has helped me. The fact I can talk about it with my wife will be the key thing that helps me.

Not watching sport is a massive commitment. How are you finding it? Do you still keep in the loop or have you ruled it out of your life completely?

RA

Life is a whole lot better when you are not having to hide things and living what is essentially a secret life. It really is tiring.

Me and my wife both work together and I used to dread that when we got home I would have a bank statement. I remember on one occasion I knew I would be getting a letter from the bank about my overdraft any day. For all of that week I would rush to get through the door first when we got home. She would always ask what my letters were, so I had to quickly scoop it up and put it in my bag so that she wouldn't notice. My heart was racing as I knew I would have been caught out big time if she read the letter. I'm pretty sure I waited until she was busy and then went outside and put the letter down the drain! The things we do to not get caught hey.

I managed to change my debit card to paperless correspondence which was ideal, nothing else to then worry about. However when I started using a credit card (I took one out when we went to the US, and totally forgot I had it until I stumbled across it) I had no option for paperless, so all statements would come to the house again. This was when I started to think about coming clean. I just couldn't keep it up.

Mid October i think it was, I got an unexpected letter from the bank offering me an increased limit on my credit card (at this point I was about £20 under the limit). My wife saw this, and as she was totally unaware I was even using the card I managed to blag it and lie saying that they must just be offering me the increase because they want me to spend more money. It was horrible doing it, but I would say anything I could to avoid being caught.

The bank was automatically going to increase my credit limit in two weeks unless I told them I wanted to cancel it. Obviously I was never going to call them and do that. I was already set in my head that the day that increased credit was applied I would gamble. I looked forward to that day for 2 weeks. How sad is that!

I woke up early that day and you guessed it. I deposited and bet. I lost that money in a day, and after that I knew I was done and I had to change.

Anyways sorry for the rant and the long old story, but I'm hoping that in writing this down I can read back over it and see how stupid and sad I was. That can only act as a deterrent.

Cheers.

RA

Desperate Gambler wrote:

Hi RA your post sums up the madness of this addiction.You probably had a love of sports when you left school but gambling turns every sport into a slow roulette wheel.My madness was goals in football matches.I would use the live score app so that every time a goal went in my phone would beep.My mind did not care what was going on around me I was only focused on my phone.I was escaping from reality and putting myself through an emotional rollercoaster.If the goals came I would feel good but if they did not I then had to put my acting skills into practice.Your correct that winning just prolongs the length of time till you lose it all.

This is literally my life right now... every day.

Fast approaching 4 weeks, wow where does the time go.

Been spending a lot of time thinking about old habits and how day to day life is different without gambling.

I used to lay in bed and gamble while my wife was asleep. I would have the brightness turned right down on my phone, and have my back to her so that she wouldn't notice. If she moved slightly i would quickly shut off the screen. I could quite easily lay there for 3 or 4 hours until the early hours just watching the scores change on a random tennis game until I ran out of battery or fell asleep. Then I would wake up shattered in the morning.

I do not miss those days.

RA

Hi RA,

Almost getting to the end of another week that’s been gamble free so far. It’s crazy how fast time flys by, but when your in that gambling bubble time felt like It went even so much faster. Our minds just revolve around gambling once we are on that dangerous track, everything we do. But I’m glad to be off it at the moment and you too and many others here. It’s just staying off it for good. I see you said you would give ga thought in maybe attending it. Have you considered it? Or been to any therapy etc?

Keep going

OAU

Hey OAU.

No I must admit I haven't yet seeked out anymore info regarding GA or therapy.

I feel in a good place at the moment. I can talk openly with my wife and she's in control of all my finances. I'm not saying I definatley won't seek further help, it's just that currently things seem good.

Christmas is fast approaching, so the next goal is to get to the start of 2019 without another bet.

RA

I felt like I had a mini win today.

I took a walk into town by myself and walked past a bookies. In days gone past I would have popped in and may be put a quick in play tennis bet, or an over 1.5 goals acca. But today I just walked past. I even felt a bit sorry for the young lad who walked out with his slips.

I only really went into the bookies when I knew my missus might be checking my bank account for gambling transactions. I would try and rush in and out just incase I saw anyone I knew, and that could lead to word getting back about my antics.

But not today. I did not gamble.

RA

Hey RA,

Hows your weekend been?

OAU