I hate myself for what I have done

I might has well of wrote that because it is exactly how I'm feeling at the min, I hate myself for what I'm doing but I just can't stop. I had a decent win this week which I was made up about but yes you've guessed it it's all gone now within the space of 3 days. So I'm here now with not a penny in my bank account bills to pay and I don't get paid until the 15th march, I can't believe I've been so stupid, I'm at the end of my tether and don't know what to do anymore.

Hi Liam im the same as you havent told anyone about gambling and i too am in debt and cannot afford my bills now but their is a way out and that is this forum . You have made the first and best step . Ive been gamble free now for 24 days and feels million times better you just have to stop dont worry about the money it can be sorted every month i dont play my debts will go down and we win everyday we dont play . This addiction is a sickness we can never win because we have to keep chasing bigger wins . You will get lots of help here from everyone . Please never think your alone because your not you can make this right and be the person you were before gambling started . Every time i have a urge i come here and read everyones stories . The thought of gambing makes me feel sick now only been gf 24 day but you start to see more clear . There are things you can do about you debts speak with the councillors on here and also there are money plans you can set up to stop the interest but they will tell you about this . I havent done this due to wanting to keep this debt longer to reminder myself of what i have done plus later i might want a mortgage one day . Hope this has helped take care liam stay gf first and best step of your life may seem hard but it gets easier 🙂

Mr liam wrote:

I suppose I’m just a normal guy with a ok job, to the outside world everything is sweet. The only problem is the other day I nearly threw myself of a building because of where I am at the moment.

The saddest point of this is I have 3 young children, a good job and a good home but I am so tangled in this mess I have got myself in that unfortunately when I am gambling in don’t even think of them at all.

HThis has been growing increasingly worse for a while now and I am now at breaking point.

I love my kids and family and will do anything to provide for them but a big part of me has always wanted more for us and maybe that’s we’re it went wrong.

I am currently working every hour i can to make up for my mistakes but to put my habit into perspective I have cashed out £5000 this month which is more than triple my wages and I’m still £1200 overdrawn and I still £150000 in dept.

I am struggling to control this desire that one big win will solve all my problems even tho every time I do get a win I end up gambling myself into a deeper hole than I was in in the first place.

I’m so afraid of anyone knowing what I have done purely because of the shame of what I have done, maybe it is a pride thing but I can’t seem to bring myself to tell anyone.

I consider myself a normal, nice guy and many would agree and no one has a clue this has golden on.

I am starting to have really bad thoughts on ways of escaping this situation and all of them are selfish and would destroy lives.

I’m just a normal guy who’s really stuck in a rut and made some hideous mistakes but the problem I gave is I don’t feel I deserve another chance or even simpathy from the people I love.

I look at my children everyday and think what I could have done for them with the money I have lost or the opportunity’s they could have had and it destroys my soul. Thank you for taking the time to read this post.

Liam, like Shaz, I could have been me that wrote your post, thats exactly how i feel. today is only day 1 for me, but its a start, its a start to also admit you have a problem. can you budget a spreadsheet to help you work out the best way to repay debts? we are all in this battle together, we are here to support each other. you have taken the 1st step by joining here.

Hey Liam, Just like you, I have been living with the consequences of my gambling habit. I am only on day 2 of GF. So you know I am no better than you or anybody else here. However, I live and I learn from my mistakes. I will put things into perspectives after I read your post. Let say... you win big against the odds because you are lucky. That is very nice if that happens. But still the real problem remains. The addictive and complusive behavior towards gambling gets you drowned in every aspects of your life socially, financially and emotionally. That behavior does not discriminate how rich, poor, intelligent, educated or non-educated... and also no matter what reasons you are doing it... you can get hooked. And that's why your big winning doesn't matter much since you will keep on feeding the machine or sport matches until you lose all of the winning again. So you should cure what matters first.. which is addictive behavior.

I have been very unhappy and depressed lately on everything but gambling losses made the situation way worse. However, I have been true to myself. I come to this forum.. I talk to people outside who can understand my situation and I seek relief from their support. Most importantly, I get my attitude right.. I tell myself I will be happy again and I hold on to that thought. I hope you do that same, my friend.

I see many themes echoing aswel. I do feel for you. There's nothing worse than feeling that low.

I told my partner and mum only 2 days ago. I planned to tell them weeks ago, but the shame, pride everything you described prevented me from doing so. And each day I felt lower and lower and wondering if I was just better off not here too. But I told them. And I still have a grey cloud over me but it isn't the black stormy cloud that it was 3days ago, its that bit easier to manage and I can see some light, some hope coming through.

The thing is beating ourselves up and making ourselves even more miserable than we need to be just doesn't help. It isn't practical and it only leaves us wanting to gamble out of the misery to try a get a win that just ends up putting us in a worse mess than before or we just feel that life's not worth living. But then theres the alternative. Acceptance. Accept that there's a problem, accept that you made some mistakes, accept the money is gone, and accept that your not a bad person because of this. Its happened, its done its now in the past. We need to treat ourselves with a little bit of kindness though to just get through it or we will crumble.

Gets tough at times and feels like the world has ended or Atleast it does for me. But money isn't everything in life. And it certainly isn't worth throwing your life away.

You need to re-adjust your mindset, it's perfectly normal to think about the what if's and what you could of done for your kids. But I think how you need to look at it is that you can either lose another 15k trying to get that money back and be in twice as bad a situation or you can chip away paying off the debt and save 15k for your kids. It's not too late.
And I don't mean to be speaking out of turn or anything as I don't even have kids, but I want them and the desire to have kids house and a morgage is what has put me in my own gambling mess. But I think I would rather my kids know that I saved and earnt my money rather won it anyway. Kids learn from the people in their lives. Show them that you can make mistakes but you can learn and recover from them.

I think what's most important here though is to keep looking forward and not back. Keep hope that life is not going to be this way forever.
And I really do think you should tell your partner. Telling the people I have has given me more confidence that I won't gamble in future because it's not just my dirty little secret anymore. The secrets and lies and the hiding just fuels the feelings of despair, shame and panic to get out of the situation your in. Open up, let the cat out of the bag and you just might be able to breath a little easier.

Everybody deserves another chance. I didn't feel like I deserved it either but that attitude is self destructive and not productive. The way I'm tackling my problem is to keep focus. Have a plan. Blocking software etc, overtime, telling my loved ones, etc. Sticking to the plan. And not looking back, all it does it torment us.

All the best. S

Iiam.

You are me a year ago i did exactly as you are now. I havent gambeled since, Get on the forum start a diary, put what youve put above, everytime you feel like having a whirl go on your diary instead tyoe exactly how you feeling it doesnt matter if its once or twenty times a day you do so, it will help.

Iv just written a bit on succsess storys have a read if youve chance. then have a read of every one elses diarys and storys. You will soon realise this isnt you. Gamberling has robbed you off your self worth made you feel like you want to end it made you feel like its end of world. Its not, Thats face it youve written a couple of paragraphs pal and iv worked out at some point you had 3 kids and your work hard for them, and make sure there safe and in a warm home. my books that doesnt make you terrible mate, Then youve had the balls to man up and come on here and try and sort this out. Pat on back from me pal.

Get your self a diary i will follow it.

you dont need good luck (thats face it never worked fot us before lol)

Your already on the right track

Hello Mr Liam,

Our forum members have given you some great responses, and I hope that you have found them helpful.

About debt advice, many of our forum members have posted positive feedback about free debt advice services like

StepChange 0800 138 1111 https://www.stepchange.org/Contactus.aspx

PayPlan 0808 278 4588 https://www.payplan.com/

the National Debtline 0808 808 4000 https://www.nationaldebtline.org/

and others you can see detailed on our links page: http://www.gamcare.org.uk/about-us/links-other-support-agencies

If you are struggling with stress, low mood, suicidal feelings, you might also like to talk with your GP about how you are feeling. You could also talk with the Samaritans on their freephone 116 123 https://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help-you/contact-us

You're welcome to call us for emotional support on 0808 8020 133, we can also give you details of local support, like free 1-2-1 therapy sessions in your area, to support your recovery from problem gambling.

Take care,

Forum admin.

Hi can someone please help me with stop chasing my losses cus if I won’t stop I will lose everything what is left thanks

Hello Rashadmahmood - welcome to the forum and well done for posting. It's a good start that you've recognised that you're chasing losses and that this isn't going to help.

I am sure that our members will be able to support you but can I suggest that you start your own thread? That way more people will see it and you'll get more responses. Just go to the New Member Introductions section and you should see a button marked 'Start New Topic' at the top and bottom of the page. You're also welcome to give us a call on the Freephone HelpLine on 0808 8020 133, or chat to us 1:1 on the NetLine. We've got lots of suggestions to help make it easier not to chase and to help you change your thinking about gambling and your losses.

Best wishes

Deirdre
Forum Admin