I just want to cry

Hi Lynn welcome and yes I can relate to some of what your saying and you have come to the right place. There are blocks you can put in place to stop the online gambling such as k9 which is free. I would suggest you also try the free counselling which is offered through the site if you click on support and counselling tab at the top. Read some recovery diaries on here and start one yourself, when you get the urge to gamble come on here and write your feelings down, does not matter what you write, no one on here will judge you but will support you. Your not alone in this fight, and fight you must to overcome this addiction, but it does get easier. Best wishes x

Thanks for taking the time to post. Any advice you can give is welcome and I will try the free counselling on here, I have been seen to one at my GPs request but even there I couldnt feel as though I could open up to how desperate I was feeling or as to why so needless to say it didnt work. Its the fight bit that worrys me, just dont feel as though I have it in me but thats the desperation no money to gamble feeling, the hopeless feeling..... as I have a fortnight to go before I get any money I am hoping that I can use that time to try and get myself prepared for next payday so I dont make the same mistakes again.

Hi Lynn, welcome to the forum 🙂

Don't fear the fight, it's hard but no where near as painful as what you are doing. I'm a seaside arcade, turned bingo, come fruit machine J****E & my saving grace was being too daft to figure it all out online although I did end my illustrious career in the hovels that are more commonly known as bookies. I'm a 44 year old, slim, attractive (& don't try & tell me otherwise) woman who couldn't have looked more out of place if I'd jumped up on a catwalk in my jeans & Converse...I'd rather pee myself than step foot in one now!

Addiction has had you in its grips for as long as it had me...I too NEEDED to keep on gambling so I could recoup some of my losses. Goodness only knows why an otherwise rational mind considered that the one thing that had gotten me into the mess could get me out but that's the madness. We can't win because we can't stop...All I ever wanted money for was to gamble so any temporary 'wins' go back with interest in the end. For me you have already taken the hardest step...Accepting you have a problem. I spent years persuading myself otherwise, blind to the stupidity that I was witness to on a daily basis, promising myself only x amount then drawing x amount x more times...Drawing a line under my losses was vital. Coming here & reading was the next. I'm now @ GA & living a life that I never thought possible a short while ago. I'm not cured, I accept I never will be but I lead a stable honest life now & will do whatever it takes to keep moving forwards.

It may feel impossible but if I can do it, anyone can - ODAAT

Hi Lynn

Yes, you can get through it but it's going to mean some changes for both of you. You haven't got the problem of how to tell your husband which is one less thing to worry about but he is going to need to step up to the plate. Leaving things to you isn't an option any more. He needs to lock down the finances so you can't access them and then he's going to have to stand strong should you try to persuade him you 'need' funds for XYZ. He can set passwords for blocking software, sit with you while you self exclude for the maximum time possible (push for permanent SE. They won't tell you it exists but it does) and make sure you don't visit gambling outlets for 'entertainment' although it sounds like he has that one wrapped up already.

Once you've limited your access to gambling (and a lot of things you do will have a pretty much immediate effect if you make them watertight) sign up for counselling and GA. You will need to identify and address whatever it is that's driving the compulsion and both these things will help with that.

Hi Lynn

Welcome to the forum it sounds you really are in a bad place, well you are just like everyone else when they first came onto this site/forum. I won't pack any punches in telling you life will be a bed of roses now as it won't be but it can be so so much better if you WANT to stop gambling ? We have all lost vast amounts of money over the years and that's the one thing we have to wipe from our brain is that money has gone ! I would contact the helpline and seek councilling as I'm having some session and feel they are working for me but you have to be very open and honest I feel or you won't see the results, also don't know if you have a local GA meeting but if there is one close I would attend as I feel these also help me in my recovery, I have to travel 160 miles round trip for my nearest meeting but I connect with people in these meetings that have the same addiction/illness as myself. Have you also tried putting blocking software on your laptop and smartphone as this seems to work as well. You could also give total financial control to your husband as this will help you very much in the early days, as I said at the beginning it's very hard in the early days but things do become better slowly. Hope you can get sorted with stuff and will look out for future posts.

"It's good to talk and take it one day at a time"

All the Best

Darren

Hi, thank you all for taking the time to offer me your support and words of encouragement. I havent blocked any sites yet and my hubbie is working away till the weekend so I will have to wait until he comes back to have a long chat about this.... he knows that I go on the online sites but he never questions what I spend and to be honest, I don't think I could ever dare tell him the extent of what I have lost or done..... everything you have all said makes perfect sense to me, yet sat here, I still know that deep down I think I am in control of the situation, its like there are two parts of my brain fighting... the one that is saying, take the advice you know you need to and the other saying, just stop or dont play as often, dont spend as much...... I am really struggling to believe that I am addicted to something that i have always thought of as fun, yet the fun went so long ago I cant even remember. Typing now I know I am so anxious because I have no money to play so that says it all..... I need to get to grips with this before i come up with excuses to avoid acting. A problem I do have and I'm not sure how I can get around this, is I take my 90 year old mother to the bingo every saturday, its her only trip out and she has done this all her life... there is no-one else in the family that can/will take her and if I am going to give kicking my habit for good, then I'm not sure how I can walk past the bandits in the bingo foyer without it giving me the urge to gamble. I know that I will be able to resist there because I need to stay with my mum and dont often touch them but I am sure seeing them etc is bound to make things worse. Is that a reason or am I just trying to put yet another obstacle in the way of turning my back on what I have done all my life..... I think I will need to speak to one of the counsellors the thought of turning my back on ever regaining my losses is scary.... I have had it in my head for so long that one day I would just win a jackpot and get it all back,,, and again, how stupid am I.... can I ask, as well as feeling totally depressed and guilty, I feel really angry that my hubby hasnt stopped me, totally unfair I need to take responsibility I know but if I'm being honest and I reckon I need to be, then I am angry because I know if he had asked me to stop years ago I would have..... feeling very sorry for myself, when I actually deserve a good slap for wasting his hard earned money.

Hi Lynn, you do seem to be looking for excuses and people to blame. Slow your thinking down. You are not going to gamble your way out of your problems, you are a compulsive gambler and you cannot win because you cannot stop. Yes it may be hard to walk past the slots, but you will be at Bingo with your mother; make sure you have minimum cash with you and no cards. Angry at your husband for not stopping you....you are an adult, you will only stop when you want to, he couldn't have made you stop anyway. Suggest you get blocks in place asap, and reduce access to funds; maybe look up local GA meetings, and contact gamcare about counselling. You can get through this, once you decide that you really want to beat it.

As a compulsive gamblers we are very good at looking for others reasons and people to blame bar ourselves. You can't really blame your husband as he might ask you to stop but would that work ? I would guess that you wouldn't, sorry to sound horrible but it's down to the individual to WANT to stop and I'm sure everyone started out gambling as a bit of harmless fun ! The scenario with your mother is a hard one and I totally understand what you have said and only you can decide what is the best thing to do ! It's horrible and hard in the early days but stick with it and things do become better slowly.

Darren

xx

Hi Lynn

I'm 30, I've just joined here, realised I have a problem. Mine has been going on for three years now. Not as long as others here but I've wasted a hell of a lot of money. I just had to reply as I'm just like you! I hide under the covers when my husband is asleep, nip to the toilet and payday is horrendous! I just think I can make more money all the time! I haven't gambled for 3 days now and I'm not going to anymore. I'm surprised my husband is till here after all the times I've said, I won't do it again. I've given my husband full access to my bank account. Told him he must keep track of where money is going I only play online, slots, so it will always be on the statement, he has also put restrictions on my iPhone, I can't go on any sites 17+, therefore I can't gamble. I honestly think if you want to do it you can. But there is always the little devil telling us..... just a tenner. £100 later you have jack s**t and no food in the fridge because you have spent the shopping money. I don't want to live like this anymore. I get paid on the 31st of this month, I'm happy knowing I have just short of £500 left, food in the fridge and the bills are paid! And what's best is, it's not gambling money it's my hard earned. I refuse to waste it anymore!!! I hope you feel better soon. We can do it!

Chin up stay strong

Xx

Hi, thanks again for all your responses, everyone of them has hit me and I know they make sense. I cant believe how hard it is just to take the first step, my stomach is in knots. I've not been on here for a couple of days because I've been trying to convince myself gambling isnt a problem for me, the fact that I have no money and exhaused what are normal avenues of borrowing, should be screaming at me that it is. I've just had to stop while I hold my head in my hands, the thought of giving up terrifies me... I have just got the most banging headache and I know from when I went to see a counsellor that it is stress, the stress of changing my whole life because that is what gambling has become. I wish I had been brave enough to be totally honest when I went to the sessions, I could be on your side of the fence by now, giving out really supportive help to others while staying in control but I was just too scared to. I looked at her and thought I can't admit what I've done, what I'm doing, perhaps phoning the counsellors on here will be a little easier, I might feel a little less judged. To have money to fill my fridge sounds like a heavenly place to be right now, as mine is empty and we have 10 days to go till payday.... begging off family with ridiculous excuses as to why i need it is my next job. You are all right, I do need to step up and take responsibility, my husband is at work at the mo, he's gone in our old banger of a car when all his younger work colleagues have flashy cars, he never has spare cash and accounts for every little he spends, when it should be the other way round, how I could have done this to him I don't know, I feel so guilty.... he has earned so much money over the years and hard slog to get it and I've just put it all in the slots, total madness. The amount of times he has gone in for 4 hours on a sunday after working the other 6 days and he's been really pleased that it will go towards the mounting bills and I've been at home probably losing double what he's earned. He sounds like a pushover but he's not, in any other aspect of our life he stands his ground, its just when we got together I was really good with money and was working, started a small business and everything we were rich compared to others our ages where we live but then I got Cancer. I was only 32, fine now and not wanting any sympathy for that, it is a part of the problem, i feel guilty for being here and wasting my life....... a few people who I got to know died and while I was in hospital at a low point, one of the consultants told my hubbie that he should encourage me to go out and do whatever I wanted, spend money, anything to get me through and bless him he did, hands up all those that know what i wanted to do to distract myself when I was alone........ and that has been it, he has never put the breaks on it, I have been in remission for well over 10 years now and still no breaks, he doesnt give a stuff what we have and dont have as long as I am happy and that's why now that I have put that all down in writing, I am going to take the first step and ring the counsellors, see if they can help me, I really need help..... thanks again everyone, I sound so weak but I've just re-read what I've wrote and tried to do it objectively and every fibre in my body is saying pick up the phone, pick up the phone, so I'm going to do it, step one..

Hi lynn

You'll get there, speaking to a councillor is a brilliant idea. I've had counselling and it is fab. So glad you have been in remission for 10 years, maybe there is a link between the two? Maybe a control thing. Worth mentioning when you call them I think. You'll get fab advice here. There is currently a 100 day GF thread going at the moment. It's good check it out.

Kirsty xxx

Hi Lynn,
I have a problem with online slots , have stopped now 24 days and the penny has definitely dropped. My life is better without the drama and stress that they cause, the chasing of the tail so to speak. I haven't completely banned myself from a gamble. I have told myself that I can go to bingo if I bring cash only, but allowing myself this freedom means I actually don't want to go and haven't to date, would rather stay in and watch tv. I would allow myself the odd lottery ticket