I Need to talk to someone

I just want this feeling to go - it’s eating me inside

Hi Alex,

Welcome to the forum. This place is made up of compulsive gamblers and their families. Each and every one of us with a story to tell. Each and everyone with a story of similar traits. It took me a long time to realise I had a problem with gambling. When I look back I wonder why I didn’t see the light sooner.

Yes you have lost a lot of money. But too old you are not! The money is gone, but you are still here and can and will fight this with help and support.

I suggest you get blocks in place to prevent future gambling. Contact this site via their helpline. They offer wonderful advise. I know because I spoke to them 131days ago. They put me in touch woth a Counselling service - free of charge. I found this really useful.

I too have had my rock bottom. I remember those feelings all too well. To be honest I never want to forget them as they serve as a mental block - I never want to feel that way again.

Seems easy to say but time really does help. That feeling you have right now will pass. I had to put on that face to the outside world too. In fact some days I still do.

What you have done does not make you a bad person. You made the wrong decision in the moment.

I had to tell me partner what I had done. It was both the worst and best day of my life. I hope you have someone close who you too can confide in.

Take each day as it comes. You can not predict the future. But each day you are gamble free will be better than today that’s for sure.

Hope this makes some sense as I feel I’m rambling now. If you click on peoples names you can also read their journeys too. This may give you some peace to know you’re not alone.

Sarah

Hi Alex and welcome to the forum :))

I feel your pain pain buddy and can identify with all those feeling you speak of , my last bet was a few years ago now the day I came to this place actually but I can still feel those feelings which are running through your body right now .

That's a fair bit of change to lose in one night buddy ouch !! but what's done is done and hopefully in time you'll realise it ain't about the money it's about looking after you and you not doing this again .

The first step is admiting the problem which youv'e done , it's a biggy and you need to move forwrd with that and speak to someone face to face or maybe through gamcares helpline ( details are on the site ) , is there anyone you could confide in at home , partner / parent ? , I know it's a hard thing to think about but your gonna struggle to do this alone .

Theres a thread at the top of the recovery diarys on her by Mixer , it's worth a read as it has tons of usfull info on what you can do and who to contact when you first arrive here .

As for your work mate's ................. well youv'e a choice either tell them what your going through or put your feeling's down to another reason for a while ,It's your choice who needs to know what ? .

Unfortunately theres no quick fix to this and it will require a fair amount of effort on your part but trust me things do and will get better .

When I quit I'd had those suicidal thought's even googling painless way's to die for christ sake but coming here changed all that and someone passed on some words to me that changed my thinking " Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem " It is temporary my friend and it will get better. Remember at the end of the day it's just money which over time can be re earnt and replaced .

As hard as it is try and get some rest as , yesterday can't hurt you it's over and tommorrows a new day and the first one of a gamble free future my friend :)).

Alan

Thank you both Alan and Sarah - I really appreciate your thoughts on this. It’s this feeling that I just wanna overcome - atleast by the time i return to work in 5 days. i just wanna be normal again. I have promised myself never to step foot in a gambling place ever again.

Thank you for your post. I can feel that you are experiencing the same as I am. It’s just so hard to get on with things after this. every conversation i’ve had from that night - the person i’m speaking to can sense a deep sadness when I talk. This is the feeling i want to overcome so much. i just can’t operate as I was before - I just feel that my life is over - especially losing that much money at this age. It was all I had. I don’t know if i’ll ever recover financially / emotionally from this. I’m really worried about going back to work - because everyone will ask what’s wrong with me?

Alex trust me, at the moment your heads all over the place and all you can think about is the money youv'e lost ( the amount by the way is irrelevant ) , ok it's your saving's but it could be far worse believe me if you were in massive debt with loan's and credit cards coming at you from every corner .

At 34 your nowhere near old enough to believe you'll never be able to save again , you've got your whole life ahead of you .

All your doing at the moment is focusing on whats been lost , yes it is a big sum but it's gone and no amount of worrying about it is going to bring it back my friend . Have you spoken to anyone today or put any blocks in place as was suggested last night ?

Welcome to the forum AAlex,

You have taken a positive step sharing your experience and feleings here with the rest of the forum, it sounds like it has been challenging and it has impacted your emotions and feelings, however hiding and not sharing will only isolate you more, so keep talking and using the support of other forum users, you may also want to speak with one of our advisors about different services you can access.

We have informaiton on financial advice services, who can help with arranging any debtors, we also have services you can access for face to face emotional and practical counselling support.

You can call us on 0808 8020 133.

Thank you for using the forum, we look forward to seeing more of your ocntributions.

Warm Regards

Forum Admin

Hi A9 - Thanks for your comment.

Thanks for giving me some encouragement - it means a lot. I haven’t been able to put any blocks in place at the moment as I just don’t feel the energy to do anything at them moment. Also i don’t have a penny to my name - so i can’t really do anything now anyway. once i start earning again i will defo put blocks in place. I look at people around me and I feel so gutted what i’ve done. I see my family struggling for money and i feel so bad that i’ve gone and lost so much money. As you said the only thing i can say is that i haven’t borrowed or gone into loads of debts. I just feel so bad. i’ve had a lot of bad luck in the last couple years and all this has caught up with me. the last thing i needed to do was lose all my money. gosh i just hope i can recover.

once i start earning again i will defo put blocks in place

....Because as bad as I feel right now, I'm not quite ready to take the action that might help me next time I have the funds, opportunity and urge to gamble....Instead I will wait until I have funds, opportunity and the urge to gamble and THEN I will put the blocks in place....of course I will.

Maybe you're exception, maybe you are the one that will be able to suddenly control your addiction just like that. maybe.

I am not one of those, never have been, never will be. I am a twenty+ year addict, I am inthe early stages of recovery, 680 days ago I took the decision to start tackling this addiction head on, I decided that no matter how bad they would be, I was ready to face the consequences of my previous choices. I wish you all the best with whatever you decide, it is after your battle to fight and so you are the one that needs to make the choices and then you are the one that will face the consequences. P.s. You can recover if that is the choice you want to make.

take care

You will recover alex but recovery on here is for life mate , It's about taking a long hard look at yourself to explore how this has come about and then slowly day by day fixing those things .

Anyone can place abet anywhere at anytime these day's and for many that's fine but for someone to become compulsive like ourselves to a point where we'll blow the lot without thinking of the consequenses is a completely different thing .

You realise that you have an issue and have made the most important step by doing something about it .

You know there are many things you could have wasted your money on and gambling just Like myself is the thing you chose , that being said you haven't commited a massive crime , you haven't murded anyone , youv'e just lost money and as hard a feeling to deal with now that all it is .

We all wish we could turn the clock back and not have done it but unless thing's have changed since I last did my goosberry's gambling companies don't do refund's because we didn't win ? and if they did then wouldn't be in business for long would they ? .

Let it go mate , put it down to experience or whatever else you need to do and if your miserable at work and don't want to discuss it then " Put down the look on your face to wind or constipation " but at some point you need to deal with the fact that you do have a gambling problem and the chances are that as soon as you have afew quid behind yourself again your mind will begin to hatch a plan for revenge and that's where the blocks and speaking to someone you can trust will come into play .

I'm not trying to preach but you need to get proactive and sort a few things out as putting off dealing with it now will mean it comes up behind you when your not looking and bite's you in the @ r*e :(( .

It's all about one day at a time for now and taking " Baby steps " forward .

Stay safe buddy :))

Alan

Ps , I just noticed Compulsive gamblers post above mine .

He has 20 yrs gambling to his name and I have 40 odd yrs and were both telling you the same thing with our combined yrs , so what more do you need to know ? .

Lack of energy is addiction telling you to put it off for now " Just in case you wanna pop back " and at 34 you have more energy in your little finger than I have in my old Bod :)) .

Just do it ?

Thank you Alan - you made a lot of sense to me. gosh I just been stuck in my room for last 3 days - can’t face anyone - and I get worried about other things like health issues which makes me more worried that i may lose my job. it’s one worry after another - atleast if i had that money i could have felt safe. now i feel so left open - who knows i may as well lose my job cos my health issues and then i’ll have nothing - no job / no money. I separated from my wife 2 years ago - not in relation to gambling - we just didn’t work. i’ve been dealing with loads of health issues last year - and these health issues seem like it’s coming back. i only started earning again last year so i thought i was doing really well - i worked hard and managed to save 10k - and all this i threw away within few hours - hurts me so much. I honesty had suicidial thoughts - and if i’m unable to work again i’ll be devestated. with no money no job no partner - what does someone do. that money was the only thing i had.

Hi AALeX, just want to join in as well with as much reassurance as I can. I too have had many, many sleepless nights, and anxiety ridden days at work where I've just wanted to crawl under a rock. I got so much strength from this forum but I still worry greatly about my strength for the future. Please put blocks in place, you need to write off the money and think of it as a lesson learned. You need to remember that you are young, you can earn the money back, and you are not alone in this.

That is a lot of money, but you can make it back (by working and saving). In the grand scheme of things, when you are a lot older or even in your old age, that 10k will not matter one cent I can guarantee that, and you will realise you've wasted so much energy thinking about that cash when you could have diverted it into something positive.

As gamblers, it is important to try to not focus on money, and try to enjoy your life. I have saved up quite strictly (which is weird as a compulsive gambler), but I did that at the price of having no social life, and no fun these past few years. A lot of us gamblers place worth on what money we have but it's all an illusion. When you see a friend, family, or lover, they judge you on you as a person, which makes you reaise money is not important at all...

Keep yourself busy, don't let yourself have time to gamble. For me, that day off with nothing to do was a real killer for me while I was in the throes of a bad tilt. Right now, I mfeeling a little better, but I am safe in the knowledge that I have put physical blocks in place so I cannot immediately gamble now even if I wanted to.

1 - Put blocks in place, this is most important while you are in a tilt
2 - Keep yourself busy, because boredom and loneliness leads to thoughts of gambling.
3 - Try and enjoy life and tackle the deeper seated issues behind your addiction