just found out.

Hi

Im afraid that a promise to stop and talk of secrecy is nowhere near the respect and fear this addiction deserves.

Its about openness honesty blocks blocks and more blocks.

Among the first measures are serious talk about living on a sandwich allowance and handing over control of finances. This is about breaking the time location money triangle and your wife proving herself again with receipts if necessary

You need to realise that it may aways be in a compulsive gambler. I believe it is but it can be controlled subdued and beaten with the right help.

With a healthy mind a gambler will begin to wonder why they ever did it.

For now she has told you and I think you build up to who else close needs to know. Its mainly about how receptive she is to getting and receiving help.

Sad to say its also about protecting your money and establishing any trust again. As a recovering gambler Im quite happy to let other people judge me on a trust basis.

Best wishes. keep reading the forum and do ring gamcare for that one to one voice

Hi,

Sorry to hear what's happened - it's rubbish.

The three Cs: you didn't Cause it, you can't Control it and you can't Cure it. The decision as to whether or not to place a bet lies with her. Keep the focus on your problem, which is the effect that the gambling is having on you and the children. Get help and support for you via GC, GamAnon meetings and trusted friends or family. Otherwise it all becomes about her and that's not healthy.

It's an addiction so she can't just stop by willpower alone, the force of the addiction should not be underestimated by either of you. There are four basic pieces of advice to gamblers who are serious about overcoming their addiction. To attend frequent and regular GA meetings, to attend counselling, to tell their families and to habitually keep a broken triangle. The triangle is time money location, take one of these away and it's not possible to gamble. It covers self exclusion, parental blockers on the Internet, limited access to money. I personally think that all four elements are vital to long term sustained recovery but at least one of the first two. Relapse is not inevitable, if you read the diaries where there are multiple relapses, it's because all sorts of excuses are made as to why the person just can't tell their spouse, ditch their smartphone and get to meetings. Actions speak louder than words, my husband stayed in the house because he did these things, his initial promise to think about it next week wasn't enough. Going forward, working on a maintained recovery is a lifetime job and relapse only happens with complacency and false ideas of being cured. Gambling can be arrested and life can become manageable in recovery but once addicted, one bet is too many because one thousand isn't enough.

Echo HL to get credit reports and to take over the finances in order to protect family money from her addiction. It puts a burden on you but she can't be trusted with money. Don't take on her debts, she's not an irresponsible teenager and you're not her father, let her have the responsibility of arranging the repayments from her allowance or wages, always working on the basis that family needs come first and her debts a very poor second.

re telling people, there's no need to denounce her on FB but there's every need to tell whoever needs to know. Her family members may be trying to "protect" you by lending her money on the quiet, better to insist that she tells them so that they know not to. I told the schools as well.

Take care of you.

CW

Thank you for this advice, I've already broached several of these ideas with her and she isn't as forthcoming as I would have hoped. I found out because she called a credit card company trying to impersonate me, Half of the debt she has done in my name and all advice is greatly appreciated.

Hi again,

Sounds ominous - I'm sorry to hear it. My husband cleared out the kids' savings and took a frightening chunk of what my parents left me when they died.

Repeat the advice to keep the focus on you. There's no magic formula for you to make her stop, it's about you dealing with the effect that her gambling and the behaviour that goes with it is having on you and the children. I recommend GamAnon meetings but however you do it, you need help and support to cope with your situation and it is down to you to make sure that you get the help and support.

Look after you.

CW

Thankyou for all the advice. i think that my brain is finally starting to accept whats happened and shes willing to go to some sort of counselling now.

Yes it doesnt sound good husbandof. Its the biggest test of a relationship.

It is an addiction which controls the mind so she needs serious help. A gambler who really wants help will find it a relief that its out in the open.

I was happy to hand all control over and happy to pour it all out. It wasnt easy at first to tell people but it was the right thing to do. If she is reluctant or secretive its a harder battle.

A gambling addiction is so dangerous but I hope you will help her become a better person.

Please keep ringing gamcare and building up your knowledge and strength based on the advice

Best wishes from everyone on the forum

It's good that she's going for counselling but always trust your instincts and beware of accepting half measures that leave the door open for more gambling.

CW