My boyfriend is a gambling addict

He isn't ready to stop, and part of that reason is that unknowingly you are allowing it to flourish by bailing him out. When in the middle of this cycle of addiction we will lie and manipulate those we love. He has won, you dont bring it up anymore because of his reaction,  Unfortunately he will continue until he wants to stop, sometimes at rock bottom. With the love and support you give, he is nowhere near that zone. I cant tell you what to do, as you have to figure it out yourself, but this will become your life. The lies, the mood swings, the money issues, the lack of time you get, the mysterious loans, every stupid reason he is late back,, his reactions to your questions. He will manipulate and condition you into acceptance. That's what I did for years until I had nowhere else to turn. But that is just my opinion, I am untrained and uninformed to all your own details. Sorry if this sounds harsh.

I feel like deep down he really wants to all the efforts to try and stop has been his decisions (blocking himself and banning himself from bookies, I didn't know any of these things were possible because I’ve never placed a bet in my life) however the sessions with the therapist was my idea he was sceptical at first but he found the therapist on his own, he said he actually hates gambling but loves the feeling of winning big and watching the games as it’s happening however I can always tell when he has placed a bet while we’re watching the game he feels on edge and seems to not be enjoying the sport whether it’s darts or football. He said he feels like a scumbag constantly asking for help from me and his mom, he said he does it because he has no money and he said “because I have £10 and my car finance is £230, I can’t pay it anyway so the only way I can possibly pay it is by risking the £10” I know this isn’t the case because I sorted out his entire outgoings 2 months ago to set him straight and once his pay check came he did it again, after that happened he started sending me his wages into my bank account to try and stop but obviously that still won’t stop someone when he asks for fuel money etc 

since starting the gambling addiction sessions with the therapist there has been a significant decline (from 3-5 times, hundreds of pounds) in how much he’s been going that I am noticeably aware of, he started the sessions 4 weeks ago and I only noticed that he went back twice to the bookies when he had no money but I didn’t mention either of the times, I thought I’d leave it for the next session while someone is present for a second opinion but it was so heartbreaking to see that he had done it again but at the same time I can tell he’s really trying  

Good luck to you both, I truly would like it all to work, but when you get a second, read both your posts again. The first one full of emotion, the second full of excuses. 

@bluejay i'm going to be really honest with you your partner is not ready to quit, he only banning himself when he losses so it the money thing at my worst i wasent ready to quit i just hated lossing, when i won money which was far between it would last few weeks and i would pay previous debts i owed to people but 90% time my wages wouldnt last a week and i got paid monthy, i lied to family even my poor ex partner for 3 years i took everything from her infact i wished she just left me earlier as nothing would have stopped me when i was at the peak in my mind i wanted to make back all my previous losses and then quit which would never have happened i am in a far better poistion now as i dont spend my day to day expenses i managed to quit over 2 years and i had a relapse recently which could have destroyed me completely but i did something diff and im in a much better position now, you actually need to do whats best for yourself either way he will blame you for enabling him 

@tazman I agree mate, unfortunately he is only doing the things he thinks he should do, without meaning it. Just out of fear of losing his girlfriend. I did the same thing, it took me over 25 years to be serious about stopping. This beautiful, caring person is a one in a million, and I wouldn't want to lose her either. Fingers crossed he sees what he has, and how c**P life would quickly become if he doesn't listen to her

Well said it sad other people have to suffer the concequences for your actions as this addiction changes you, he needs to be honest by admitting why he doing it, at the time my family didnt understand this is even an addiction they gave me money to pay for bills and i had lost it all, my uncles didnt understand so it actually made me worse i wish i had supportive family who understood addiction i went on my own accord to Ga as i admitted i had a problem and i have since then improved alot, my family think i am clean for the last 10 years  and i have managed to get them involved has it would have caused them further misery, im more of a problem gambler i can avoid gambling for months then have a bad relapse it only happens when i have x amout of money saved i quit for over 2 years and i managed to saved due to stress family issues i ended up gambling which i never thought i would do and lost £750 i thought i bear this addiction and became complacent but am glad thats all i have lost and stopped any further damages from happening am in a better place now and i put myself back in Ga which i stopped going for years

@bluejay

Hi, 

o*g, our stories sound so similar and I feel like I could tell they were going to be from your first line... It's like being with two different people.

He's done all the things you've listed; banned online, banned in betting shops, doing gamcare's course, banned from certain casinos (this is where we're still having issues). 

I'm at the stage of looking into counselling for us but I am anxious about him saying no. 

The past three days have been the worst I've had to deal with... So far. He's had a huge win (at the casino he's discovered he's not banned from), come home happy about it, listing off things he wants to buy with it, things for me, things for us..blah blah blah.. Before I could blink, he took the whole lot, bought things for himself and gambled half of it away. Then told me to take the rest from him. So after hiding various amounts around the house, I've come home today to discover he's found what I've hidden in the house and again, gambled it all away.  

I've never felt so stupid.. Can just imagine him on a little treasure hunt around the house laughing at me as he goes.  Guess I've learnt a lesson from this time. 

Sorry this isn't giving any advice or help for your situation.. I've just ended up venting about my own! 

Hope you're doing okay as your post was from a while ago now but I couldn't not respond as your post really spoke to me.  x

It is tough for partners. When my wife died I was only 49, but gambling every day and it was only going to get worse. She had been terminally ill for a while, and because of my gambling we were always broke. After her death I cleaned out all the drawers, trying to get control of my own situation. She had hidden money away, obviously knowing that at some point I would find it and it may make life a little happier for me. What a beautiful gesture. Yep, that money lasted for about as long as I could stick it in my pocket and walk to the bookies. We don't care about kindness when we are mid addiction, we only care about having a bet, screw the implication of losing everything again, and promises to stop or get help last as long as a snow drop in July. Gamblers have to want to stop, not just because of a loss, but because they know that they have to stop. Are you there yet?

@faith-777 exactly it determination to stop, yes as human we will make mistakes along the line and maybe few relapses on the way but if you are true to yourself no matter how bad the situation is you can turn your life arround nothing is impossible in this life and nothing comes easy yes some situations are tough and that is life 

@faith-777 this is a great response, I should know as I've done this for years to partners and ex wife. Self exclusion does help though a gambler will always find away if they want to gamble. A gambler will tell you anything you want to hear inorder to hide their secret. A gambler is willing to lose everything ( in my case that a marriage, a daughter, friends and even their own life). The gambler has to want to stop.

This sounds really harsh, but I'd leave him. Tell him the reasons why you are leaving him. He will beg you not to and promise you anything, but he will be back gambling in weeks. Yes you can be a friend and talk to him when he wants, tell him you will meet him for a coffee ( he's paying) when he wants.

You bailing him out is fuelling his addiction.

This is from a gambler for 35 years, whom has lost everything and I see myself so much in your story above it makes me cry

Please remember they aren't doing in deliberately to hurt you, it's a cruel disease which can never be resolved. People can only learn how to understand/control it.

I wish you all the best and say strong

@stlzsc thank you for responding I think I came on here to not really ask for advice but to find comfort by just saying what is going on in my own situation, the advice does help however with so many mixed views it’s overwhelming and unsettling 

My boyfriend hasn’t gambled since the 16th of December, his problem with gambling doesn’t seem to happen when he has money it seems to happen when he doesn’t… what really hurts were the lies, the therapy sessions have helped so much because I haven’t been able to speak about the situation to anyone other than his mom, my mom doesn't know and neither do my friends, the reason being I don’t want any advice that they wouldn’t do themselves

The therapy has somehow been one of the things I look forward to in the week which sounds sad but we have come to an agreement that we don’t hold anything against each other if something has been mentioned during the session, he has confessed to scenarios that I didn’t even know existed during these sessions and doesn’t make any excuses to miss the meeting with his therapist/counsellor, he has had them over the phone during his lunch break at work sometimes and has told me it really has been helping

Id like to add that my boyfriend also seems to do it out of boredom most of the times in the past he has crumbled and gambled was when he was all by himself at his moms house, he unfortunately doesn’t have his own room and didn’t have much to do, since then he’s bought 2 dart boards (one for my house and one for his) since then he seems more interested in darts, he downloaded a darts app and started playing against other players online which seems to have gripped his attention and he seems to be really enjoying life right now, when he gambled he became absolutely miserable and seemed to not enjoy anything 

His wages also get sent to my bank account, so I know all his bill dates and he’s started giving me receipts of anything else he spends money on, so it has helped 

@bluejay

Your boyfriend sounds like he's doing quite well.

How often would he normally gamble?

Mine seems to have a stable 4-5 weeks and then falls at week 6-7. I can't remember him ever making it to two months without gambling.

I agree, the lies are the hardest, and how they seem to do it so easily.  We're still having issues over the money he won last week. Usually, he has a big loss and once it's gone, there's nothing to deal with. But with the big win, we've had a lot of arguing over the money and what should be done with it.. But ultimately, the fact that he knows he's got money has eaten away at him and he's basically been an absolute state ever since. 

He always gambles when he's got money, so he's even started not going to work properly because if he doesn't work, he won't get paid, he won't be able to gamble.... Until he gets a loan!

It's been never ending recently. And to add to it all, in March, his work has put him down to go and work in Vegas for 12 days! Apparently he'll be 'too busy to gamble'... In Vegas!   Just an absolute nightmare. 

@stlzsc so it started a few months ago where he would place bets and it just became very apparent to me that he was going more than he said he was he was leaving the house 3-4 times to “pop to the shop” or find an excuse to get something for me or someone else at the shops or even “put fuel in before the morning” when I first started he did come up with excuses saying it’s not that bad and he wasn’t “wasting it on slots” which is what he said his major problem was but since he banned himself on slots he fell into a bad cycle of placing football bets and he would go daily to place multiple bets, we went on a short break to somewhere else in the Uk and low and behold he was sat at the table in the restaurants constantly checking and I think that’s when I realised how bad it was, I spoke to his mom and he had confessed to her how bad it got and I spoke to him afterwards and I told him and told him he’s going to end up losing everything, during this surprise surprise ! One of his friends at work was getting married and the stag due was in you guessed it vegas ! And he denied that this was going to be an issue, thank the lord he left this work group and worked on a different site (so the guys didn’t want to talk to him anymore since he left the job for a better one) and my boyfriend admitted he would of spent every penny once he arrived, that’s when he started the banning procedures for l*******s etc but he obviously left a few for himself to fall back on, that’s when the lies and sneaking out started, he admitted to this one in the meeting with the therapist and said infront of me “it got so bad, do you remember that time I woke up before you and offered to make you some tea, I went down stairs put the kettle on and rushed silently out the door to go place a bet and when I came back I pretended like nothing happened” because I was half asleep I didn’t even realise, he would flat out deny any involvement with a bet until the evidence was laid down infront of him, the turning point was my birthday ( December 1st) he would mention to me I was going to love my present etc and he would say he’s so much better off now that he’s stopped when he hadn’t and didn’t get me a birthday present for 2 weeks the lies continued until the day before my birthday he admitted to gambling and lying to me about getting me anything, I think that’s when he deep down realised how bad it became and saw how much it was affecting our relationship, he did end up getting me something but he had to borrow the money to do so (which I really didn’t want) and then Christmas came shortly afterwards and he didn’t have enough money to buy everyone presents which is when he placed the last bet on (16th December) he got himself some dart stuff and got some more stuff for Christmas and suddenly all the trips to the “shops” had stopped cause he was keeping himself busy with that instead 

I haven’t checked his phone this week to know if he has placed a bet but I don’t think he has, but I know it doesn’t just stop I know it’s a long process 

@bluejay

Presents! Also the same situation here!

He knows people's birthday's are coming up or Christmas but he can never same money for them.  I've had two Christmas's with him and one birthday. I didn't get anything for the birthday because he wasn't working so had no money. First Christmas, he borrowed money from someone which I didn't like. This Christmas, he got me a couple small bits and couldn't afford the main thing I'd wanted.. But January 1st comes, he says things will be in the sale now, I'm going to go into town and get it for you. So I leave him to it... 5 hours later, I start to think something is off.. He's in the casino. And that's where he came home with the xxxx money... And obviously, without anything for me.  So over the next few days, he spent a lot of it on himself, he gambled more of it away, and I've managed to keep xxxx safe.    My boyfriend also has a son.. And the present situation is also the same for him. Last weekend, he wanted the money that was left and wanted to take his son into town for him to basically get whatever he wanted. I was like, you are kidding... It was Christmas two weeks ago and his birthday is in 4 weeks.. You're currently not working, have no money apart from this that's left, and you want to go and randomly buy him things now?!  Why not save it for his birthday so you don't feel like cxxp again when you can't afford to buy him anything again?!?!   But he just can't see straight. He knows there is this money and he needs it gone.... But obviously not gone in productive ways like pay off some debt or contribute to some house bills.

Yesterday, he agreed to exclude himself from the casino he always goes to. We filled all the form in, clicked submit but the site kept failing. Surprisingly, he has agreed that we can go into town together today and sort it in person. So we will see how that goes.

He's also given me his bank card so he is trying to limit his access to money and he's said when he goes back to work, he's going to get his wages put into my account again and try and make an agreement with his work that he can't change it back without them contacting me - but I don't know how supportive they will be with that.