My intro

Hi Shep,

By coming on here you have made the right start. No one will envy you with what you have to do. But, sadly it has to be done. I too am a gambling addict. I fortunately haven't acquired huge debts, but if I continued, who knows where I could end up?

I hope some people will advise you the best way to go about things. The only bit of advice I can give is to be 100% honest and reassure your wife you will nnot be doing it anymore - and mean it. It is so hard to try and explain to a "non gambler" how strong the urge is, when you are addicted. So she probably will be extremely upset and want to know why.............

I wish you the best of luck and hope others can give you some suggestions.

Tizzy x

Hi Shep,

I'd enter into a debt management plan and pay off your debts pro-rata.

I'd also ask yourself, what are the consequences of telling my wife, although she should appreciate the honesty is it something she'd accept? You don't want to end up splitting but if you carry on you possibly could. Gambling is a disease, I'm a problem gambler and have lost it all. I believe I'm on the right track now and seeking advice, counselling etc

You need to quit for your family's sake it's not worth it life is too precious to self destroy.

Quit.

Wishing you sort it!

Hi,

I am the wife of a CG.

The threat to your marriage is not telling your wife now, it's the gambling and all that goes with it. At the moment you know about the gambling and she doesn't. But she will know that something is wrong with your relationship. The moodiness, distraction, remoteness, the focus on gambling not her?

For the family, what hurts isn't the financial loss, (it's galling but it's not the worst aspect), what hurts is the deceit, that up to now you hadn't told her what you should have done. However, telling takes guts and even if late, it's better to tell her the bad news yourself, rather than leaving her to find out the hard way. I wouldn't recommend delay because there's never really going to be a good time. My case was extreme, my husband covered up for fifteen years? More? He was exposed after he had cleared out the children's savings, we are trying to repair the damage to our relationship but the fact the he never told me makes it very difficult to respect him.

The best advice is to tell her but at the same time, show her what you are doing to overcome the problem. Actions speak louder than words and at this stage, the best of your intentions can't reassure her. My husband handed over full financial control, which helps him stay gamble free but more importantly, reassures me. He doesn't have a smartphone, his home computer is blocked, he is self excluded, he attends GA and therapy. Nothing's easy but even he is trying now.

Given that gambling does involve deceit, it's no good expecting your wife to believe what you say or to trust you financially. Don't don't resent her reaction to being told, even if it makes you feel bad. And don't seek a bailout, real recovery involves you taking responsibility for the debts yourself, she should not put her money in or take a loan in her name. If you need help, try StepChange.

It is possible to get over the gambling and stay married, see Balvaird, Duncan, Day@atime. But going forward, recovery involves honesty.

Hope it goes as well as it can.

CW

Hi Shep72

You have already had some great advice here. I would echo that HONESTY is your main asset in becoming gamble free.

Gambling twists the mind and creates secrets. Whats good in your life are people like your wife who can help you.

A new you is a person who is open about it and honest. There is ultimately no shame in seeking help and other people need to know the full extent of your addiction. You will feel that sense of secrecy and slyness flow out of you. Gambling thrives on kidding ourselves and secrecy. I deluded myself for decades that I was in any control.

Try justifying gambling in the cold light of day. It cant be done because its an illness and addiction. When you finally upen up and say this is who I am and what Ive done...a new sense of relief and change will flow over you.

Gambling is not healthy and it reaches a stage wher the mind has complete control over the body...Therefore whoever Shep72 is, has just been going along for the dangerous and extremely destrutive ride

Yes she will be shocked and hurt because she loves you and wont initially understand how you would hurt yourself and others round you. It will be the biggest test of your relationship. Not telling her isnt an option because for people to help you have to be fully honest and open about it

Yes its not a pleasant situation but you cant let debt make you ill. You can actually only pay what you can afford. There is help and advice available. Now will be the time to prove yourself. There is a way forward and you will begin to see that as the fog lifts.

The doctor will help. Gamcare will help and your family will help.

I wish you all the very best

Hi,

Thank you CW.

Its about honesty, effort, patience and transparency. No more quick fixes, paying one bill with the funds for another, lying about where you have been. My car broke down so many times, got stuck behind so many accidents etc etc. I know. Been there.

Time to look forward. It has been mentioned before but consider a debt management plan. I personally use Stepchange who do not charge a monthly fee. You pay them a fixed amount and they pay your creditors. Generally interest and charges as frozen on the debt. Give them a call as organising and paying the debt monthly (however small) stops the letters and phone calls threatening court action.

As previously stated you must tell all. We are very fortunate to have CW contributing so the other side of the story can be told. In my case reading the words of CW can be scary because we gamblers are selfish. After all. We (or our next bet) are what is important.

I told my wife who was very calm. I was told that she thought something was wrong and she would help but only if i helped myself.

I handed over my bank card and all finances. Very seldom carry cash. If i do i provide receipts to the penny. I have my card back but feel guilty about using it and leave it at home.

I attended counselling. I have been to GA.

Most importantly i have been honest and tried and my wife has been very honest and fair with me.

Please speak with your OH asap. Dont think one more punt might make things better. It wont as most of us know.

Dont look back. You cant change your past but you can take the right path in the future. But only by making the right choices.

Best wishes

Hi thereand welcome , Telling my partner and kids , one of the most difficult thing's I've had to do but one of the most rewarding and empowering as well , youv'e come to a point where we've all been in that you feel you can't carry on with all the lies and deceit anymore and believe me that gambling thrives on secrecy .

My advice , just do it , be calm and explain your position and answer honestly all her questions and show her what your going to do about it , there's no guarantees what reaction your'e gonna get but it needs to be said !.

Best wishes my friend

Thank you all for great advice. I know this forum is going to be an important part of my recovery. Sat on my lunch today reading this page has caused butterflies, tears and many thoughts.

Again telling the wife about the 12K is going to be hard, hopefully that should be enough. What I will not be able to handle is the questions about the losses. Losing it in bets of £100 bets or £1000 shouldn't matter to her its the total amount lost that's going to effect us.

Strange but my addiction has always been on-line. I don't go into local bookmakers, so never withdraw cash from our joint account, never borrow from family or fiends and certainly never stole to feed my habit. But I suppose when I think about it part of the guilt and frustration comes from the fact, betting at local bookmakers and taking money from our joint account would probably have been a cheaper addiction! I even enjoy attending race meetings with friends 1-2 times a year, spending what I can afford to lose say £5-£10 per race, lose and I'm gutted but I don't have the urge to win it back. I don't want to lose these "fun" days but I'm going to make it clear to my friends "I don't gamble anymore". I know I can have the same fun having a beer without losing any money. Also if everyone knows your a recovering gambler I think you will lose a level of trust from others and probably work.

Can anyone advise on GA classes and what benefit they bring. I live in a small town which everyone knows someone so I dare not attend the local class. I would rather travel 40 miles to a city class. I hope this doesn't sound bad, I would enjoy the drive alone, clear my head and think about the metting before and after. What do you do in GA meetings? I read there's no "staff" there just other compulsive gamblers. I want my recovery to be confidential, between my family and I.

I'm happy I got through last weekend without gambling. I feel better reading these forums. I have set a goal to tell my wife next week. I cannot possible do it this weekend because of "happy" family matters.

Again thank you all for the replies. If anyone can reply about GA class experiences it will help me. I'm hoping first class next Friday.

Shep

Shep. I had to tell my mrs of large amounts lost - i effectively crushed her forseable future with me around house buying, holidays, cars, having kids soon and so on. However the only type of honesty is full honesty, something alien to us I know. Maybe write some bits down so if she fires questions at you you can handle it whilst emotional.

There is no point coming semi clean, rebuilding and 3 months down the line she finds out you downplayed something and you are back to square one as a liar. Full disclosure when you tell her is the only way.

My mrs basically audited me after I confessed because I didnt know off hand my debt problems. Went back years through my bank, credit checked me to look for debt, poked me for info, frog marched me to bookies and watched me self exclude for her peace of mind, wanted graphic detail about how and when I gambled so she could try to understand- i felt like a naughty boy who was not allowed to talk back to the teacher. Any half truths at confession point would have come out anyway, its unlikely you can just give her an overview and expect her to accept it. Tell her the lot and any detail she needs or wants to understand/cope - give it to her.

The fog soon clears, the arguments and tears subside and then its a pragmatic approach to fixing it. I attend GA (they tend to be a meeting of two halves, first half reading passages from the GA booklet and second half sharing your story to vent, get advice, give advice and so on - some people are talkative and others are not, no pressure either way)

I didnt want to sugar coat it. You need to tell your mrs the works and any questions asked you need to give her the truth and suck up the embarassment as hard as it sounds. You mentioned you dont want to be quesioned about the losses but if you have further skeletons or she doesnt feel shes getting the truth you wont be able to get over the arguement phase, that emotion will just go in circles. If you blag it it will hold you back from moving on and fixing things.

First few weeks I was a wounded puppy scared to talk about it and sheepish, by month 2 I was dealing with things and we were able to talk about it more as an ongoing problem to chip away at than a 'relationship issue' so it was easier for us both. Get to that phase as quickly as possible by full scale honesty from the outset.

Good luck buddy

Lee2882,

Thank you for them words, they really addressed my thoughts and feelings. You know I wish you could personally message people who offer advice that really hits home. Lee you did and I thank you for that.

I will read it again tomorrow, then again.

Thanks again, bed time, another gamble free day, but one closer to telling the Mrs.

Thanks Half Life.

True, they won't be a good time to tell her. I know the kids will have to be in bed because I guess it will be emotional. I won't be shouting and I hope the wife isn't either.

Probably when she asks "why" will be the hardest question to answer. The only thing I can think off is because I'm addicted. I don't know where I've been for the last two years.

Hi shep, I have just found out on Friday about my fiances problem and the debt. Very similar stories, secret credit cards and online betting so I didn't know a thing. i found out due to a payment coming out of the joint account by mistake and he just told me everything. I felt hurt he hadn't felt he could talk to me so I would definitely suggest telling her before she finds out herself. You're right, she won't like what she's hearing, we are planning our wedding at the moment and it's devastating to think that we will now struggle to pay for it or have to not have certain things because we will now be paying off the thousands he has racked up in debts. The bottom line is honesty , hard work and commitment to changing. All these comments are very helpful to me, I feel so helpless and don't know how to help or what to do for the best.

Hi NW,

Thanks for your post. I've been working abroad until today so sorry for the delay in reply.

Firstly, I wish you both all the best in the fight against your partners addiction, but also hope they can be put aside for you both to plan and enjoy your wedding and then your futures together.

Could I ask if you've both kept the matter between yourself a or have you involved parents or friends?

I want it to be just between the Mrs & me, and one of the promises I make is she can tell the whole world if I break my promise! I've decided tonight or tomorrow to come out with the truth. Just need the "balls" I suppose!

Thanks again, will continue reading your story. All the best to you both.

Hello, Shep,

I'm answering your post on NW's thread here so as not to hijack hers.

My husband's actions were despicable but your own recovery and self awareness would be better served by looking for the similarities, not the differences. There's a saying at GA, "I haven't done that....yet." Members have been incarcerated and worse because of their actions whilst actively gambling. The addiction is progressive, in our case, my husband had been addicted for many years before he moved down to "borrow" the children's money. I presume he did it with the usual intention of winning more back and replacing it but of course he couldn't win because he couldn't stop.

re you "just" gambling "your" money, what you donate to the industry isn't available to your family and either they don't get or someone else makes up the difference. In our case, we have a flat and we're squashed, I'm grateful for the secure roof over our heads, others are not so lucky, there are horror stories on here of rent in slot machines. But my children missed out on a house with a garden, we didn't get that far up the property ladder because of his gambling. Now all money is pooled as family money, used for the benefit of the family, I'm not paying for everything whilst he plays.

re love and trust, Dan (day@atime) has a recent post on his diary on this very topic, which I would refer you to. In our case, the trust is gone in financial terms and won't be coming back. I don't worry about him looking for other women and he's well able to care for the children physically but financially, no. That's the way things have to be because of his weakness. He finds the no money no gamble a helpful prop but it's main purpose is for my protection.

Your wife will have to find the strength to deal with it as we f&f have all had to, but I echo HL's advice that delaying telling her won't help.

Keep the gf days mounting up and I wish you well in your recovery.

CW