My name is Simon, I am a 34 year old male and am new to this site.
As a regular gambler for over 10 years now it's finally come to the point where I have realised I need to drastically cut down, mainly on the time I spend doing it.
I did phone a GA group maybe 2 or 3 years ago, but thought the person I spoke to was a bit patronising and I didn't like what he was saying. So, that ended there. I carried on gambling. I also a few years back did one of these online surveys to see if I had a problem and the results showed I was about borderline. I answered the questions as honestly and accurately as I could and then told myself to be careful and keep an eye on things. Maybe it was the excuse my subconscious was wanting to keep me doing it, but gradually things got worse. Not immediately but over time.
Now without sounding like I am boasting, I USED TO make actual profit from betting. By betting I mean mainly sports betting (tennis and football mainly but other ones too) but it also included the occasional casino/online games spell and betting on things like politics and Reality TV shows such as Big Brother. When I actually did well from it, I would say I had a better life generally. I had money in the bank saved up (selling things ebay, betting winnings and also wages from my first job in years - at a bookmakers!) and I was in a relationship at the time which wasn't perfect, but I was making a go of things. Trying to live a 'normal' life. I even remember back in the spring/summer of 2008 sitting in the car one night with my girlfriend, planning our future and discussing looking for our own place to live. I felt it was the 'normal' thing to do. It didn't feel totally right but I was trying to move my life forward.
Unfortunately when things with my girlfriend went wrong (I won't go into detail) it sadly had a calamitous affect on my finances. Whether I wanted to be like this or not, my gambling habits became erratic and I started to lose. Now, when I was winning for the few years before this I admit I was staking large amounts. It was based on knowledge of different sports/teams/players, etc. and their form. Looking back I was often very lucky as even though I thought my bets were good ones, there was no God given right that they would all win. Luckily for me at the time most of them did. Anyway it must've been the early stages of 2009 (roughly) when things started to unravel horribly. Not only were these 'odds on' bets going wrong, the bad luck that came was something I hadn't thought possible. Tennis players I was backing were getting to the stage where they were so far ahead I deemed it near impossible (as the odds showed) for them to lose ... But they did lose. Football teams I was backing (including spreading my money between one team winning and the draw) were losing! Often if I'd done a win and a draw, the team I needed to AT LEAST draw were losing! Again often from winning positions.
From this moment on things got really tough. I carried on gambling because I didn't feel I deserved this much bad luck. It had gone further towards bad luck than it had gone the other way when I was winning. I had lost thousands in no time. Often I was losing hundreds in a single day. Ok there were wins but they were being eclipsed by the losses. I was now well down from betting overall. 2009-2010 were the worst. I had to take out loans with the bank which proved hellish for not only me but my family. All the phone calls, harassing me. Working in a bookmakers didn't help. Speaking to too many gambling addicts over the phone day in, day out, being surrounded by sport with seemingly no escape. I missed the company and physical aspect of being in a relationship. Maybe my obvious love of betting/sport put people off after this but I felt unloved. My head was screwed. Eventually I paid these loans off but only with my families help. All it did was delay further problems because over the past few years I've gone down the whole payday loan and credit card route. Every day for the past 5 years I've worried about money. I've already had a history of stress, depression and anxiety but these financial issues have made things worse. I have been regularly suicidal.
Obviously since I lost all my saved money and then started borrowing due to large debts, I've gone more down the route of betting on odds against. I'll back pretty much anything. Big outsiders, players and teams coming back from losing positions. I get some success but it doesn't make up for the bad luck I got when I was basically betting on the opposite of these things. I even mix things up, again with limited success.
This Christmas and new year it's come to a head. A terrible run just after I was made redundant saw me lose all of the money I left myself (after I'd made numerous payments, which I thought at the time would be a big move in the right direction). Generally I get depressed over Christmas anyway and what happened this time in the space of only a few days was crazy! I was depositing money excessively. Maybe the stakes weren't that big each time but it was 'machine mode' as a friend of mine puts it so it was an accumulation of bets that added up to on average of over £100 per day. In terms of profit and loss it was roughly 100 lost each day at least. I hardly knew what I was doing. It was just a force of habit. The funny thing is I could feel it coming but still I felt powerless to stop it. I was a living, breathing time bomb. It felt like an uncontrollable spiral out of control that was destined to end in disaster. I had a go at Skybet about not realising things were getting out of control but the best they did was to suspend my account and give me information and advice. This is better than nothing I suppose. I also asked for some sort of refund of some of the losses I've had with them of late but that, not surprisingly, got ignored.
Now I'd like to talk a little about my health issues which have affected and been affected by my gambling:
Since my teens, due to different reasons and circumstances I have suffered with all manner of psychological problems. First it was panic attacks and paranoia. Then it developed into withdrawing from the world and becoming agoraphobic. The last 2 years of high school were awful and I had to quit college the first time after only a short while as I just didn't feel right.
Gradually over time these things have developed. The agoraphobia was overcome mostly but then after trying and failing in numerous ventures (trying to join a band, learning an instrument, doing numerous night classes, etc.) and seeing all kinds of psychologists, counsellers and supposed experts (with limited success) I realised things weren't going to get better in a hurry. Over the years I've had problems with unemployment and then in the jobs I've had there have been difficulties, which have on more than one occasion led me to being sacked or leaving in difficult circumstances.
Nowadays I still see people like Psychologists as things have developed over the years into OCD - These obsessive thoughts and how certain football teams/tennis players anger me because they beat the player/team I have backed have added to the problems. The feeling I'm cursed surfaces a lot. Depression and suicidal thoughts are common with me and they were there before I started gambling.
My family has helped out on many occasions but each time the money they give me just goes, even though I try to save some and use some for other things. I have put my family through a lot to be fair over the years and eventually most of my close family have been helpful. I have tried to keep myself busy over the years and have been involved with different sports and teams. I have achieved some success in these ventures over the years even though it's often been a struggle with me being a perfectionist and also having social phobias. I never felt I fully fitted in with any of these groups though and that's one of my biggest problems.
I hope people on here can help because things are very bleak. My mental health has taken a turn for the worse recently and I feel more isolated than ever. My finances are in a terrible way also, with not much confidence or even motivation to look for another job (I was recently made redundant - but if I do get another job I would hope it wasn't with a bookmaker; a business that preys on the vulnerability of many of it's customers).
So that is my story. Thanks for taking the time to read. I will elaborate further if anyone wants to know anything else about my experiences.
Hi Simon, welcome to recovery 🙂
Many of the traits you exhibit are evident all round the site & whilst addiction promises you a release, it actually exacerbates all of them! Have you taken the 'test' again recently? I imagine the results would be somewhat different this time around! And as for GA, no-one in the midst of this addiction wants to hear they have to stop...Lets face it, all we really want to figure out is how to stop losing all the flipping time! It took me a lot of posts to realise that gambling is rarely about the money with some people feeling a huge sense of relief when they finally run out of money because without a way to gamble, addiction can't choke them! This is the equivalent of having the gambling triangle (Time-Money-Location, remove one & you cannot gamble) broken which will help with abstaining from the evil but as you know from years of therapy, actually getting better is a long hard slog! You show a great deal of determination in your posts, overcoming adversity time & time again already, now is the time to roll those sleeves back up & continue the fight!
Instead of asking family to bail you out, get them to sit down with you & figure out how they can help you abstain...The fight to overcome your demons will need to come from you but without the mask of gambling letting you down constantly, you may start to breathe again! Cutting down won't cut it, cutting it out will...We cannot win because we cannot stop & as you have experienced, this is very much a progressive illness!
I have picked up many sayings along my rollercoaster of a recovery journey & the best one for now is 'recovery is possible' - ODAAT
Hi Simon
Well done for joining the forum and writing all that. It shows you are ready to open up and tackle the problem. As ODAAT says many of the traits you have are evident all around the site.
Dont be too harsh on yourself about your mental state of mind. Other people suffer from depression anxiety and still havent admitted how it may lead them into a world of gambling. I know that I had become so depressed that gambling was the only thing I wanted to do for some sort of hit. I had developed a social phobia brought on by awful jobs and nasty people in a crazy jobs market. I have however suffered from a shyness and depressive tendency all my life. A period of unemployment, pressure then bankruptcy flipped me over the edge at the beginning of last year. Looking back I was far more ill than I first thought
Im not going to pick up on every point youve made but you must now be at the stage where you have to say Ive been gambling and need help....Just like you are doing here.
The gambling must stop and you must tell people and block the process straight away. None of your other issues will fall into place if you are still gambling. All gambling does is make everything far worse and thats all it ever does. I simply discuss it as a mugs game and a tax on the poor and lost souls within society
Do you have anybody close you can talk to? Can they help because to put it bluntly you need to be living on a small allowance while all the blocks go up and you start feeling better within yourself. ODAAT has covered it but to say again that its firm help you need and the bailouts must go straight to paying bills.
You may need financial advice. There is no real shame in saying you have lost control and everything will have to be scheduled leaving you enough to live on. It will shut down any more loans which arent good for you. There is a stage where you simply cant pay things based on your income and thats when advice is needed.
There is a dark fog which lifts when you get the right help and realise how its going to be sorted out and look at things in a certain way.
All the best.... keep reading and tell us more. Another call to gamcare would be good and I hope you will mention the gambling at a doctors appointment or counselling.
Hi simon. Thanks for sharing your troubles. There is a particular section i can relate to - it went along the lines "i knew what i was doing was bad but i left powerless". That is the crux of the issue for me. I wrote I post back to you but had to delete it as on reflection it was showing too many weaknesses and I want to be positive. Im on day 34 and I find it really tough but I must go on. I really must. I am trying everything and I hope you can too. Keep the faith.
Hello SiLatics56
Sorry to read you've had a tough time. Trust me - I understand.
Regarding your gambling, there's a Swedish proverb: "luck never gives; it only lends."
Well done for posting with honesty and courage.
This will be a long battle.
Take your courage with you.
It will serve you well.
Glint
Thanks for the support and advice everyone. I appreciate it. The thing is (and I'm hoping I don't put people off from helping me by saying this) I don't think just going 'cold turkey' is something I'm aiming for. When I used to gamble responsibly (which I did for a time) I did ok. Sometimes well. I already have other hobbies; maybe not as many as I need but I still do quite a few other things and have other interests. I have been addicted to other things in the past and with an addictive personality I'd say spending money is a problem in general, when I have it.
But regarding cutting down completely, whether or not it's right for most people, this is not what I want. A person who drinks alcohol twice a week hasn't got a drink problem so betting twice a week surely isn't a problem is it? Obviously until I get my finances in check I can't really gamble at the moment anyway, but surely people can help me to make it occasional and FUN again, as opposed to it being a chore? If I'm helped to making it something that is always fun and will never stop me from doing more important and constructive things, then is this not a more realistic target? Surely I need to get to the root of why I do it all the time and why it has escalated, then act accordingly.
Hope this makes sense and people can still help.
I also need to point out that the counselling and therapy I've had isn't gambling related. It's purely for my stress/depression/anxiety issues.
We all would love to gamble responsibly, problem is, once we cross the line into compulsive gambling, it doesn't seem possible to go back! I came to recovery seeking exactly what you are & was mortified to discover that this was not an option! A person who drinks twice a week is not an alcoholic but an alcoholic can't drink twice a week! We cannot win because we cannot stop!
You absolutely do need to get to the root of why you gamble but it has escalated because you are an addict! Just like a J****E needs a bigger & bigger hit to get a high, or a drinker more & more alcohol...I've never seen anyone start their descent into hell by sneaking into A&E & sipping from the hand sanitiser! Although your counselling to date hasn't been for gambling addiction per se, it has been for the sorts of things that drive many to gambling in the 1st place!
I would love to help you get back to where you were (there was a time when I wanted the same thing for myself) unfortunately, I don't believe that this is possible & although I'm no expert on addiction, I have read an awful lot of journeys! If it helps, urges aside, I have absolutely zero intention of going back now...I know this may change but I don't have to make my own mistakes, better to learn from others who have made them! It won't feel like it from where you are but the question you are really asking is how do I stop losing & the only sure fire way to do this is to not bet in the 1st place!
Thanks Simon but I dont understand your response regarding cold turkey and you dont want to cut it out completely.
You have stated that you have been gambling heavily and the losses were out of control. Now you seem to want to keep gambling responsibly. You just want to gamble less but win do you? Its the mindset that leads to chasing and further heavy losses.
Im sorry but it doesnt work like that when you have been gambling to destruction. It escalated because you are not in control and anyone with a gambling problem needs help
I dont really see the words gambling and responsibly together. Its always a risk. If you have money to gamble then you have money to lose. Only we dont really have the money to lose do we.
With respect it suggests to me that you are not ready. It took me 10 months to really start doing something about it so I understand the confusion in the early days.
You have to be ready. Nobody here will suggest scaling it back. We will suggest family help,control of your finances and counselling.
I do wish you all the best but you need to keep talking this through
Simon, you need to get to grips with the *fact* that you will never gamble normally again. You've gone too far & crossed too many lines for that to happen now. Be realistic with yourself. You have enough on your plate with your other psychological & financial issues - gambling will only make both of those worse, as it already has. You know it has as you have that experience, so why expect it to be any different in the future ? You sound far too feverish to ever have any semblance of self-control with your gambling, you may start off controlled but the pressure will build, you will chase again lose patience lose control lose discipline etc, and all the time if you win initially you will be reinforced & excited & encouraged by that win, making it even more difficult - impossible actually - for you to stop. I think that's what happened to you initially.
Have you thought about the national problem gambling clinic (based in London) ? mainly CBT-focussed. Or Gamcare offer counselling. Or GA is frequent & free (small donation). Or if things get really bad there's the Gordon Moody Association (residential). Maybe sit down & add up all of your debts & think about the possibility of taking out a debt relief order etc. in order to make a fresh start.
Start being honest with yourself, don't delude yourself, you aren't gambling to make money that is just your superficial reasoning, you are gambling because you are addicted to it. If you were really gambling to make money, 99% of the time you'd look at a sports event you were thinking of betting on & realise, having weighed up the odds, that there's no edge in it & it is not therefore worth betting on. You will never have the self-control to wait for the rare genuine value opportunity, and that will only be a few % edge, it really is extremely boring & tedious.
Another reason you may well be attracted to gambling is that it offers a temporary escape from your other problems - personal, financial, & psychological - and it is a lot easier for you to focus on gambling instead of confronting the other issues. The problem is that the more you dwell on gambling, the more the other problems will increase, and so you will want to gamble more & more to escape from them, in the process making everything worse & worse. Time to leap out of the vicious circle completely my friend. That means no bet, no lottery, no scratchcards nothing. Get to a point in your head where you actually feel comfortable with that thought. That will allow you the room to start confronting everything else. Be thankful you have a family to help, there are many others in similar situations with no family. Fall out of love with your abuser.
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