Hi guys. My first time here so where do I start? Lol well.....
I first stated gambling in local pubs at around 16 those little fruity that sit in the corner or a dark pub that flash away saying "play me" I would stand there all night losing my funds. Even if I ran out of money I would prop a chair up against the machine and off to the bank I would go or borrow off a friend. Back then they were £15 jackpots!! Then came the shops on your local high street and the sea side fruit machines that suck you in every time you walk by them. I would go missing on holiday all the time only for my wife to find me sat at a machine. (Party time) was my favourite machines with the yellow red & blue balloons that would randomly go onto the top board when your 3 red XXX came in. Have been playing pub machines ever since... Then 15 years ago I started to have panic Attacks and am now an anxiety sufferer on anti depressants to control my anxiety it has been a roller coaster ride but was coping well, but I know that my anxiety has been triggered by bad childhood memories of my father beating my mother and him being an alcoholic all my life while him being a useless father in return.. (But that's a different story)
Now here's where it goes wrong!!
about 3 weeks ago I started to play online slots. Virgin, 8*8, foxy bingo etc to name a few. I love to play rainbow riches I transfed £100 won £1700, next day £100 in £800 out. Next day I put £600 in and won £2000 then £800 on the next spin. I was loving it the buzz was so great I was happy. I told the wife she wasn't happy but she said stop.. So I said ok, it cleared all the money we owed, credit cards, siblings etc. So I was up and cleared! So why didn't I stop..........
Then we went on holiday last weekend to Essex I won £100 on a scratch card then went into the bookies and won £275 of of £60. Couldn't believe my luck. I did not tell the wife as she hates it and we were on holiday and didn't want to spoil it.. On return from my holiday I thought I would try my luck again online
£200 in no luck, £500 in no luck. (Now I'm chasing and anxiety is getting bad) another £500 in no luck why oh why have I spent £1200 gambling? Even though I was up, I felt like I beat the machine. I felt sick!! And I know if I had more credit limit on my card I would of kept going. Then my wife found out about it all and is now threatening to leave me. I either get help or my 15 year marriage is gone and so is my 3 children. There is only 2 choices HELP or LEAVE.
the lies I have told her to cover the stories is out of control, she knows when I lie so why bother. She doesn't trust me either.
The next step is what do I do.. I feel if I get help from a specialist they will unravel every layer of me that makes me the man I am and I will just be empty inside. Where is that rock to hide when it's needed.
Thank you for reading my story (sorry it's long)
Hi GD, welcome to the forum 🙂
Unravelling every layer doesn't stop you being the man you have become...It makes you more aware & better able to deal with the crappier side of life, without the need of a gambling crutch. You already know part of your pain is memories of a childhood that you had no control over...Getting help to process them & stop running can only be a good thing. It won't be easy but the alternative is far worse. I know your wife has said enough & you won't want to lose your family but you owe it to yourself to find a way through this because no matter what our background, we all deserve a shot @ life.
First & foremost, you need to cut off your access to money because no money, no gamble. Secondly, I would really recommend finding a GA meeting because your wife seems to think you can just decide to stop & it's not a simple as that. The winning gives us a false high & the losing takes us to lows we wouldn't wish on our enemies so you may find comfort in the middle ground. Every person in a GA room knows how hard it is to walk away & stay away & there you will get real life support from people who know how to leave gambling in the past. It may feel like this is about money but it's the feeling you crave...You have to draw a line under your wins/losses & start fighting for your future - ODAAT
ODDAT thank you for you response my friend I am going to make some calls tomorrow. I need help and not afraid to admit it. I have already won in life, I have 3 beautiful children who want there father back. thank you so much
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