Hi all,
I think a good place to start is where I began and how I got to where I am now. At the age of 17 (I'm 30 now) I was in a bookies, mostly on weekends but occasionally during the week after work. My friends were older than me and I tended to follow the crowd. As I imagine it did for all of you I started with small bets, mainly on football and sometimes the horses. I then found myself playing the roulette machines... how the hell can they allow these machines to be available to the public? I got to a point where my monthly wage was being put into those machines. I was using credit to fund the addiction and borrowed money from friends. I fell out with family members and lost those friends I borrowed money from because I didn't pay them back, complete lack of respect.
As time went on I used a debt management company to clear around £6k worth of debt and rebuilt my life. At the age of 23 my partner and I had a baby. At the age of 25 we got married and life was looking pretty rosy. That said the odd bet was still taking place on the weekend, mainly football bets. My wife enjoyed the odd gamble too but this was mainly online slots. Fast forward to last year (2017) and I come home to find the police at my house. My then wife had been arrested on suspicion of fraud and it turns out she had stolen over £100k from her employer. She was in a position of trust and this money went into her own personal accounts which she used to secretly gamble with. She is now serving 3 years in prison.
This year has been a strange one for me. I am obviously now a full time dad and I've found someone new. We've been together since the beginning of the year and we now live together in rented accommodation. She is a very hard worker, very loving, trustworthy and let's face it I now come with a lot of baggage so I am very appreciative she is in my life.
That said over the last couple of months I've returned to gambling. Why? I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA. Why am I risking losing the trust of my new partner? Why am I living the life of a poor role model to my son who needs his dad more than ever right now? My partner works away during the week which means I have the time and boredom to pick up my phone and gamble. I've lost around £3.5k in the last two months and the guilt and shame I am feeling is literally causing me to lose weight. That feeling we all get in our stomach when we've lost money has returned and it's painful. My partners birthday is coming up before pay day and I have no idea how I'm going to treat her. How could I be so selfish?
I've read a lot on the forums before joining myself and most of the advice is brilliant. I've just joined Gamstop so I believe I cannot gamble online anymore which is great, as this is what I'm most susceptible to at the moment. 12 years of my life has been a whirlwind because of gambling and I've joined today because I want to get rid of it, before I cause anymore damage to my life and my loved ones. I think one of the main reasons I've come looking for help is because of the guilt I feel. I've read that telling loved ones is a way forward but I can't do it. My partner is aware of my past and she made it very clear that she does not want this addiction to be a part of our lives. Am I okay to do my best to quit, move forward repairing the damage and keep this most recent slip-up behind me?
Thank you all.
Hi flutter,
Sorry to hear about what you have gone through…its another sad story of how gambling can ruin lives.
If you want to give yourself the best chance of stopping than generally the best advice is to be honest with the people around you, starting with your partner. This addiction thrives on secrecy so they more people that know about it the better. People will offer advice but in the end it is your choice on whether you decide to tell someone or not.
Signing up to gamstop is a great way to start but have you thought about how to deal with the emotional side of things? You have had a lot to deal with over the last couple of years and I’m sure you have kept a lot of this bottled inside of you. I would highly recommend getting in touch with gamcare and looking at arranging some counselling sessions…or even better find a local GA. It may feel like a big step to take….but what have you got to lose?
Anyway I’m sure you will get others along to offer some advice and keep readings diaries as there is some excellent advice out there.
Damo
Hi Damo,
Thanks for your response.
I appreciate your advice regarding being honest with the people around you. I think I could tell my parents, or a close friend but I'd really struggle to tell my current partner. There is the fact that she has already said she doesn't want this sort of behaviour to be a part of her life, but she is also fully aware of the situation with my ex wife. If I was to tell her that I've slipped up she will almost undoubtedly compare me to my ex wife and that will be sole destroying. If this latest episode of gambling continues or gets any worse (and trust me I do not want it to), then I will have to take the hit but I'm quite frightened to say the least.
You've hit the nail on the head with the emotional side of things. I think as men we try to bottle these things up (I'm sure there are women out there too that do the same) and perhaps gambling is helping me to escape? I don't know. That seems like a lame excuse to me. I just want to stop to save my life from any more torture and I'll look at the diaries like you say.
Again thanks for your response.
Hi fluttergutter
Well done on coming on here to look for support and help, there is so many people on here you can read and learn from as well as the support from gamcare. In regards to telling your current partner, it depends on each person and their situation. People have said you must in order to move forward, I have told mine my previous slip ups but not my last one at the end of last year. I did tell my sister and Mum who have emotionally been there for me (not financially as I won’t accept it and they equally won’t offer anymore as they see it as not helping me in the long run). It is down to you to know what is right, it is hard living with the guilt and I do still sometimes have panic attacks that my partner is going to find out and leave me but I keep my head high and am almost debt free with no looking back to gamble again.
Good luck in whatever you chose to do!
Hi fluttergutter and welcome.
You are in the right place to both recover and learn about this nasty addiction. Make no mistake its up there with the worst addictions and few of us had any real idea why we kept gambling until we let our minds heal.
Its a deep and complex addiction and I cant believe it was actually me that gambled a lot of money away. Its deep rooted in our souls and it twists the mind...However its not the answer to what you seek...It doesnt make anything better or really soothe your troubles.
Gambling wont turn back time for you and all it does it make your life many times worse. Bottling thinks up and wishing things were different wont get you anywhere
We advise a born again moment with pride......The addiction on the other hand wants secrets because thats what it thrives on. The addiction wants you to return to gambling because its a strong form of mind control you need to learn about.
As hard as it may seem you need to tell people close. What do you feel the alternative is? These things usually come out anyway as the stress will make you miserable and if you dont get a reality check you could well gamble that amount away again. I hid from it and I trebled my gambling losses. If I had faced it properly the end problem would have been much less.
Close people offer support motivation help and control of your finances. There is a way to stop and break the news and thats what you should now focus on. You hand your cards over and tell them what you are doing about it and that softens the blow. All partners should know what they are dealing with. It doesnt make you a bad person but an addiction doesnt care if you are married or not....it simply doesnt care
Yes its difficult but nobody is going to thank you for continued lies. Surely a partner deserves the truth but that is your decision.
There is no room for half measures so if you think its going to be a casual recovery think again. Ideally you need to be on an allowance as your mind heals....Are you ready for this because you need to discuss your feelings?
Best wishes from everyone on the forum
Hi btapp/joydivider,
Thanks for your responses.
Both of you make very valid points. I'll be completely honest, it scares the absolute **** out of me telling my partner, knowing how negative her response would be. I am not in a lot of debt and I can clear my credit card in a matter of months so I feel like as long as I don't gamble I can let this episode slide. That said, I have spoken with my best friend about it as it was killing me keeping it to myself. I also plan on calling my mum tonight who I know will be very supportive.
As far as the gambling goes I'll be 2 days GF by the end of today. Gamstop has proven a god send as I have tried to open an account elsewhere to test it out and it just doesn't work... so happy with this. Instead of losing £50 this lunchtime, I chose to buy two smaller presents for my partners birthday and that felt really good.
I hope you are both going well with your GF journeys.
Hi fluttergutter,
I would also just like to reiterate the advice about getting counselling. You have been throuhg quite a challenging time it sounds like you would benefit from a space where you could work through it all.
In your case you are both an affected other and a problem gambler. So all the more reason to get some additional support.
Please feel free to call the Helpline or Netline for a chat, support, advice or to arrange counselling.
Wishing you all the best,
Eva
Forum Admin
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