Hey all, I'm Ian.
Some 13 years after first joining Gamcare (and 7 years gamble free), I’m back. I'm glad that I remembered my username/password!
Obviously, this can only mean one thing.
But before I get into it, I must completely acknowledge that where I am at, certainly by comparison to many, may seem incredibly trivial in terms of financial loss. But rest assured I’m truly not here trying to take the mick out of anyone who may be going through greater losses.
I have found myself in the early stages of relapse.
Not quite as early as I’d like, but I’ve caught myself just as the scales have tipped towards the danger zone.
I’ve just self-excluded from 4 online bookies. These are sites I’ve joined over the last 5 months or so, after years and years of being gamble free.
I joined the first site with the view of only engaging in occasional low stake football accumulator betting. A couple of quid a week, the equivalent of a lottery ticket. Sports betting has never been an issue for me. Even in my worst/lowest periods, it was never where my money went.
I’m trying to think of what started me doing this, and why now?
It was the Euro Tournament. Life was/is a bit dull. I would've liked to think that I'm pretty far removed from the impulsive guy that had a gambling problem.
Surely I could be ‘sensible’. Keep it light, affordable, fun, harmless and not over consuming.
Well yeah, definitely not.
That the one site has incrementally turned into 4, speaks volumes.
This is because I'd immediately set a reasonably low fixed weekly deposit limit to offer some protection. It worked for a couple of months, but recently I have increasingly been hitting the limit quite quickly.
For a period, I hadn’t been wagering everything deposited, and in general, had been good at withdrawing any deposit excess straight away (for example due to min deposit/withdrawal limits, to have a wagering budget of £2, I’d have to deposit £12 but would immediately withdraw the excess £10.)
The issue has been that in accessing these sites for sports betting, I have also allowed myself to stray back into playing casino games.
Everything was low stakes for a bit, winning just enough to cover a handful of small (10p – 50p) footie bets, working more or less on a break-even basis.
It worked, until it inevitably didn’t.
These past couple of weeks have gotten more intense. I’ve found myself not so readily withdrawing excess deposits, instead using them to gamble more frequently on casino games. There have been a couple of occasions where I’ve lost the whole deposit and not even placed any footie bets. It may be small amounts lost (say, a fiver here/tenner there) but when losing I have immediately deposited again, or set up a new account elsewhere to try and chase it. I’ve been ‘lucky’ to have up until now maintained a low loss ratio, although the money I’m cycling through these different bookie accounts has been becoming disproportionately larger and larger, and more frequent, for no actual gain (my online bank statement shows the recent embarrassment of repeated deposits/withdrawals)
So, the breaking point has been this weekend.
I’ve just lost £40 in a successive run of gambling on multiple sites. I’ve also been up all night doing so. Now I know that £40 isn’t the end of the world. 13 years ago it would’ve been hundreds, if not thousands lost. I’m very fortunate to be able to say that it’s not going to prohibit me in any great way.
The problem is not the money (although £40 is still £40!).
It’s more about the growing compulsion. Reaching that point where there was an inability to stop until everything deposited had been lost, even when recouping to near enough a 'break even’ stage. Moving from site to site, chasing the last loss, wagering ever larger sums to recoup small losses.
It’s the return of not sleeping, transfixed by the graphics on screen. The emotional over investment in ‘winning or losing’ (serotonin/adrenaline rushes), treating the games as if they are there to be beaten. It’s the finding myself googling the next potential site.
All the behaviours that are oh-so-familiar have been seeping back, and I know where this goes.
Not least, it’s knowing my savings are increasingly at high risk (for the first time in my life I have accrued meaningful legitimate savings, of which I am understandably highly protective).
So, having reached (and lost) my weekly deposit limits on all 4 sites in one continuous session, I have now self excluded from all bookies. I feel far too stupid right now to have any compulsion to sign up to another. Why would I chase £40?!! (But why have I been chasing smaller amounts?!!)
I am going to have to seriously explore and purge whatever it is that's bought me back here. Gambling is an addiction, but it's also a symptom. It's time to be honest in finding the causation.
In the absence of having anyone close to confess this all to (I live alone). I just wanted to say everything 'out loud' to recognise it and as a starting point/turning point.
A new day #1.
Hi
Its very good that you have told us and I appreciate it.
I hope you can find people close to talk it through with but yes you should sit down and think through all the reasons you are really doing it and what you are really seeking.
It seems you have been weening yourself back onto it which is understandable in the face of this powerful addiction. Only we have no control so "just a little go within smaller limits" turns into something else and you are just kidding yourself.
Please focus that its called gambling. Nobody has set attractive odds on a certainty. There is no clever plan to chop and change to win it back in a measured way. Our deluded addicted minds start giving it a plan B like there is some definite way of getting it back. Do we think the gambling dens haven't figured out in detail how chasing behaviour falls right into their hands,
The truth is I wanted to keep going for the sake of the gambling drug. I was out of my mind when gambling. My plan B was any thought process to keep gambling and keep the stupor or trance of chemicals flowing
Its a drug addiction so you have to think through why the hit of gambling trumps all else for you. You have to think through if you are escaping from emptiness, boredom loneliness stress, a grey town or something else.
I became man enough to admit I have a complex and flawed thought process/ personality that shuns people and normal experiences for a lonely twisted comfort zone. Only it wasnt a comfort zone and I was deeply unhappy without fully realising it. I was bullied as a kid and Ive been hurt by women as ive been very naive The truth is I've been mildly to heavily depressed all my life even though Im not bad looking and Ive had opportunities to better myself in love and life. Im easily jaded and I seek hits for which gambling became my drug of choice in the past.
I face that now and there's enough work there to keep me and a therapist very busy 🙂
Recovery is a lifelong process and I can never be complacent again. The fact is that it would still be my go to drug if I felt all hope was lost.
So please do explore as the answers are within you
Best wishes from everyone on the forum
Thank for your detailed response time_to_stop. What I have learned is that the reason for starting again is really simple… it’s just a choice and the further you are removed from gambling the more complacent you can be so the choice can be made kind of semi unknowingly but fully aware of the dangers like you have stated in your post.
unforuantly this is why people like us who are compulsive gamblers can’t even do the smallest of bets due to it escalating. We had a guy who hadn’t had a bet in 15 years end up doing a football bet and he went through how liberating it was to bet again but also it showed the dangers of it which was extremely similar to your story.
the truth is don’t get beaten up about the time away from gambling you had but understand you made the wrong choice and are willing to just take each day as it comes and not gamble again to stay on the straight and narrow. If you dwell to much on how long you have stayed away from gambling that can become a negative to just continue gambling. My opinion is just to take that lost of £40 and be kind to yourself in knowing you did the right thing by posting on here and blocking yourself from the sites. If it was me I would spend a whole day blocking myself from as many sites I could remember again to prevent this going any further.
I hope this help
Dave101
@Joydivider.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read, and to offer such a relatable response. You've hit many nails right on the head.
In the lengthy period that I had been gamble free I'd developed a good degree of understanding on my relationship with gambling. As you say, it's a drug that offers something which is outside of everyday life, but (for me) definitely becomes something that I turn too when there's a mounting underlying issue that isn't being acknowledged in the right way.
My addition/compulsion to gambling has always been about validating myself through loss/losing rather than it ever being about a desire to win (any wins would only feel momentarilly good as they'd provide the momentum to continue until they became further losses). It's a tool used to perpetuate feelings of low self-worth/self-esteem.
When I signed up to the first betting site 5 months ago, I didn't stop to reconise this, feeling that life was okay, and that I was in control.
In retrospect, and on balance, I'm clearly not in as good a place as I would like to have thought.
It's obvious now that even maintaining 'moderate/manageable' sports gambling was never going to work. Why did I need to do so? I've no financial imperitive, and wasn't placing the size of bets that would ever bring gains. I'm also no huge lover of football, so any excuse that it 'livens up the game' is just a lie.
As you rightly say, I was (maybe not entirely subconsciously) weening myself back in to a place where the opportunity to fall hard was going to be there, ready to be executed. I'm only thankful that this fall hasn't been financially damaging, but am certainly feeling it a bit emotionally.
I could level the antecedent for all of this at a number of things, circumstances that perhaps have been chipping at my happiness. Boredom/Stress/Lonliness are all factors. Like yourself, I too have always had an underlying level of depression, and a tendancy to isolate where possible.
I work for the NHS and the last year and a half has been... well, I'm sure eveyone knows. I've also had a failed relationship during this period. There's definitely stuff to unpack and resolve.
I'm really grateful to have the opportunity to voice things here. Even if nobody reads them, it's really helpful to externalise this stuff in some capacity, and to have the opportunity to openly own it.
I really appreciate your wise words.
Cheers Dave.
The mention of the other poster who felt that he had overcome his addiction long enough to 'safely' place sports bets, and convince himself that it was liberating to do so, rings very true.
I recognise that doing so is really just an excuse to re-open the door to the slippery slope, and that the danger of inevitbly sliding is very present once that door is open.
You are right about not focussing on the length of time free from gambling, or using it as an added sense of failure. In truth, today isn't day #1, it's a continuation of a period where I was actively making good choices not to gamble. I can easily absorb the £40 loss, but do have to be mindful of how I emotionally absorb finding myself back in this situation. It would be all too easy to over castarophize and then use that as fuel to carry on with further self-destructive choices.
I'll definitely be taking your advise in putting further measures in place to restrict the opportunities to perpetuate this further. I know that I can't self-exclude from every site (these days a new one springs up every day) but I can take some symbolic steps to help regain and maintain a solid sense of control.
Your reply has been a great help, thank you.
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