Fed up and completely ashamed of the person i have become.
I started reading this forum a couple of weeks ago just after i phoned up to arrange counselling but instead of posting i opted to gamble instead. Never got passed Day 1.
I have been gambling for about 15 years but it has only been completely out of control since the start of this year. Still cant quite understand why to be honest. Had a couple of big wins i guess and thought Id cracked the gambling game only to lose it all and chase it until now. A few months back I racked up so much debt (payday loans, maxed out overdraft, borrowing from friends/family) playing FOBTS and online slots in such a small space of time that i just completely broke down. My wages at the end of the month werent even covering half of what i owed out. I confessed to my girlfriend and parents, which was never an option in my eyes but i really didnt have any more options. After lots of tears they both bailed me out and cleared all my debt on the condition i got help. I went to GA twice which i found helpful but i knew deep down i still wanted to gamble so whats the point?? Fast foward to now and ive mangaged to get myself in the same horrible situation. Feel ashamed, embarrassed and just so sick of being a f****n idiot. Blew all my wages on Friday(A new low) and had to confess to my girlfriend, doubt she will stick around. Every time i think about how ive treated her i just break down. Im not a bad person, I have a loving/supportive family, great friends and girlfriend but i continue to risk all that just for a bonus round or favourite number on roulette. Madness.
Sorry if I've rambled on but I just cant go on like this.
Cheers,
Clouds.
Hi Clouds, welcome to the forum 🙂
What's different this time? Are you ready yet? If you are, get back to GA, never give up on something that works because it doesn't matter how 'up' you get gambling doesn't! We can't win because we can't stop...It all goes back eventually, along with our pride and our morals & anything else that can be sucked out of us! Easy for me to say (having done it thousands of times for my mum who is also a CG) but your loved ones really didn't help by bailing you out. We need to suffer the consequences of our actions in order for it to really hit home. I didn't want to stop gambling, I wanted to stop losing but the harsh reality of reading through site like this is for us, there's no controlling the evil. Regardless of whether you want to stop, you have to fight to accept that gambling has you beat & take every step you can to do so or you will start to lose people you hold dear if you haven't already. This site offers support for loved ones if they are prepared to support you & GamAnon is their GA equivalent.
You may feel powerless but addiction can be arrested & starting a diary may be something you find very useful! It will be a safe place to come when you need to ride out urges which you will.
Ramble don't gamble (Oldhamktf's diary of this title is a must read) - ODAAT
Thanks for replying ODAAT I really appreciate it 🙂
And you're right, my counseller said the same thing.. It didn't help being bailed out. It was too easy and I guess it was always in the back of my mind that screw it, if I lost, somebody will give me cash. Sounds so selfish but that's the person I've become. Money has no value anymore and winning it has no value anymore. Can't win.
I'm on my own now, nobody can help me but myself. No more bail outs. Feel so sick and tired of waking up and for that split second I'm content then I remember how much I've lost and sorry state I am in.
I am ready.
I have counselling today. Looking forward to it. I'm going to start a diary tonight and get my feelings out in the open.
Cheers,
Clouds.
Now then pal.
There are so many people on this website with excellent tips advice and help. You never have to feel embarrassed here we have all fallen into the same trap and know exactly how easy it is. You obviously have a family that care about you. Reach out to them throw yourself on their mercy again, but expect the worst. Thats what i did, thankfully they stuck around, im sure your family will too. I have two sons and it wouldnt matter how many mistakes they make, i would always be there. (although i would never tell them that and have them thinking they have a free pass).
You are not a bad person you have an addiction, chin up, shoulders back time to start properly winning now.
Good luck
Appreciate your message Colt. Thanks 🙂
Hey clouds and welcome sounds like a similar story to mine, always payday can be an issue, ive done it every month for last 10 years and still embarrassingly done it till recently, basically just keep gambling till there gone... I was always waiting for a spdcific date or milestone to stop on, but it doesnt matter when u stop, as long as u reaslise what it is your doing to yourself, and the addiction u have... I put in place the barriers self excluded online and in all local bookies...if you havent got the tools availabld u cannot do it, once they are in place u can move forward and battlevthe addiction... Good luck to you, set small goals and have future dreams
Cheers Scottno 🙂
I was 4 days gf in the build up to payday and feeling good but when that money came in(I stayed up until it came in) there was no stopping me! Brutal.
Barriers are in place now. K9 on my phone and GamBan on the laptop. Still haven't excluded myself from the local stores yet.
It's easy for me to say I'm stopping at the moment because I've blasted all my wages but it's as good a time as ever. Just can't live like this is anymore.
I see you're on day 12. Amazing achievement. Well done!
Im in the same boat wages all gone so no money to gamble with at present so it is that bit easier at the moment, but i know tougher days will come, good luck to u pal
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