Sick of being sick

Good evening friends. Saturday has always been a gambling day for me. It has always been about the odds, studying, trying to get the edge on the bookies. Cursing my bad luck when I lost and thinking I knew it all when I won. This Saturday is different. I now know that I can't beat the odds no matter how much studying I do and the bookies have the edge on me because I can't stop. Now I do not need luck to win. I only need the thought of what gambling has took from me and the misery it has caused and by keeping my money in my pocket I become the victor! The only way I can beat them is by not giving them anything! Today I have won. 16 days gf.
Carpe diem.

Well done Marcella! Good to hear things are working for you x

I have thought more about today...I now have a smile on my face. I am happy with the way I dealt with things and I have gave myself a pat on the back. I know I can never become complacent as I will always be a gambler. But for today...I will not gamble! My mind is eventually seeing gambling for what it is...a mugs game!
Carpe diem.

Thanks for your support Lil. Every fresh post means alot to me.

Good evening warriors. Today was the day I knew would come. Today was the day I knew the blocks that I had in place had to work. Today was the day I needed to gamble. Today was the day I did not gamble. Today was the day I stood strong. Today was the day I eventually won!
One of my triggers that has always sparked a gambling frenzy is returning my daughter to her mum after having her all weekend. It should get easier as I have done it for the last 4 years but it doesn't. Everytime it's the same...daddy, why can't I stay with you?...daddy, I don't want you to leave me. It breaks my heart. I am lucky though that I know her mum is a good person and a great mum. I know she will be fine when I am away.
But when I drive away the self loathing starts. The fact that I am a part time dad hurts more than all the losses. I crave the family life that I have threw away, I need to feel better. It's play off weekend in the American football and I have money! I know who will beat the spread and I can win next month's rent money!
The thoughts of a gambler. The drive home is lonely, the pain, the regret, one bet wont hurt.
But it will hurt. It will hurt harder than any bet I have placed. I park up the car and run up the stair and lock myself in! I get busy with the housework and think of the great time I've had with my daughter. I look at her pictures she has drew me that are stuck to the wall, I look at her picture and I know I won't gamble today. The urge has faded and for the first time I can remember I haven't covered up my feelings with the escapism of gambling. A month ago I would have ran to the bookies and forgot about my problems with a bet. But more often than not I would have created more problems with that bet. My small problems have been created by gambling and by gambling it will not solve my problems.
Today was a test. Today I past the test. Today I was strong.
Incidentally, I would have lost my money! From my perspective, today I won...the bookies lost.
Carpe diem.

Hey Marcella, very slow to the welcome party but welcome my friend 🙂

It’s so refreshing to read a diary where the author is not just spouting the same old nonsense (thumbs up)...I’m not sure how much GA you’ve had in your life but it works if we work it man! I’ve gambled similar times, possibly similar amounts (albeit different poisons) but I have isolated so badly that’s it’s only now, well into my 40’s that I actually feel like I’m living! Stop looking for a cure though...Recovery is a daily reprieve! For what it’s worth after 2 years in the rooms I can put my hand on my heart & not only feel it beating but say, & say it with conviction, that today I am proud to be an addict! It isn’t about money, I get that now, it’s about living & being there for our loved ones!

Great job today getting home today...If you’re anything like me, it’s these battles that make abstaining the easy part & allow you to focus on recovery - ODAAT

Marcella wrote: I look at her pictures she has drew me that are stuck to the wall, I look at her picture and I know I won't gamble today.

You are a legend mate. You keep it up like this and you will conquer... I have no doubts.

I give you 9/10 for this performance today (you lost a mark because you checked the spread result)

Ha ha only joking... Or am I???? Well I'll let you ponder on that if you want to...

Take care mate and keep looking after yourself. Nice one. Inspiring read. Thank you

Well done for staying strong

Good evening friends. Still very positive and a little proud of myself for being 18 days gf. Yesterday's exploits made me realise that I am never safe from gambling urges and that the blocks are imperative. Reading people's threads is so himbuing sometimes. It makes me realise that we are all in it together and that gambling doesn't care for creed, colour or race! It will swollow anyone up that it gets in its clutches!
Carpe diem.

Good evening friends. Another day done and another day gf! No urges today but a little side note...! Travelling home tonight after a hard day on the building site and listening to bbc 5 live. The topic was, of course, the upcoming Brexit vote. Would you believe they had a spokesperson from a well known bookmakers giving odds on this?!! 5 minutes of betting reviews about markets on Brexit! Free publicity for this bookmaker. I am well aware that not everyone has a gambling problem like me and it was described as 'a bit of fun' but I was forced to ask myself...How many times have I lost the lot for a bit of fun?!
Carpe diem.

Well done Marcella. Gambling is all around us. I always justified gambling by coming to conclusion that everything aspect of life is a form of gambling. Many lines are blurred, certaintly when it comes to purchasing homes or investing for your retirement etc. However, that isn't our problem is it? Our problem is a compulsive addiction, if we could just go and invest 500£ on something and let it sit for months, then there would be no problem. But we have repeatedely shown that we can't do this. I have thought i could for 10000s of time, but it hasnt worked, it never will, we always end up losing. We might win a million tonight, but we will lose 2 million tomorrow.

The definition of madness comes to might, doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. It isn't possible. We must drill that into our minds and never ever forget it.

Good afternoon friends. 20 days gf. To be fair, I never thought much about gambling today, I had more pressing things on my mind...the dreaded dentist! In a way the dentist is just like gambling...you don't want to do it but you feel you have no option, causes you great pain but you know you will be back for more and you are giving away your money and feeling miserable about it!! Still, give me the physical and mental torture of the dentist anytime!
Carpe diem.

Good evening friends. 3 weeks gf today! It feels great! Payday tomorrow is always a worry, especially as I have not got my daughter this weekend. I have made plans to keep myself busy and I am confident all the blocks that are in place will work. It is a sad indictment of a gamblers mind that they worry about being paid!! However, I work really hard for my money and I am starting to see and feel the difference of not gambling. The urge only lasts for a day but the damage lasts for years! They won't get a penny off me now. Stay strong friends.
Carpe diem.

Keep it up mate. Like you say one lapse and it’s takes years to recover done it many times. Make your daughter proud mate.

Good evening people. It's been a very long day but happy to report no urges to waste my hard earned money! Hopefully gone are the days of wasting every payday and willing the next one to come around and blowing the lot again. Never ending cycle! Now the cycle has been broken. 22 days gf and still positive!
Carpe diem.