Starting over

Hi there. I know the all consuming feeling the only things that helped when it’s all too much were a recovery record journal which I wrote into every day plus completely triple lock verification on my credit or debit cards hence any cash or online transactions were policed by my sister best mate and a bank third party  

Once those two settled in I could look at my character more objectively as I started to fill my spare time with exercise volunteering and good breathing work it was a life saver for me

start today no delay 

Thanks for your reply, I woke this morning to a message from the bank telling me I've gone over my overdraft limit, looking at my transactions from yesterday is making me feel physically sick, it was pay day and 24 hours later I have absolutely nothing! I wish I could just stay in bed all day but I need to get up and face the reality of what I've done, I've blocked gambling sites on my bank account and excluded from the site I was on and will have to try and get a loan to see me threw the month.

Does anyone else get to a point when they've lost so much that they just carry on knowing they're going to loose it all but not caring? It's how I felt last night, almost like trying to punish myself for what I've already done, how my mind works while lost in gambling is worrying.

Day 1

Hi, just wanted to say you are not alone in this, and also not at this very moment. I can totally relate with you since I got this crazy hour last night in which my mind simply was out of control. Not even trying to stop me from deposit after deposit. I just didn't care what I was doing. 

I only stopped when I couldn't deposit anymore and there was nothing left. Speaking of thousands 🙁 

Now I feel terrible and don't want to open my bank account. This was not the first time as well, since my crazy mind keeps telling me (when I have money saved) that I enjoy gambling and I could win big. It is one big lie but I fell for it again.:((  Why do I keep thinking that stupid?!

I hope for both of us now the last time!!

Hi Charlotte sorry to hear you had a bad night too, it's absolutely devastating the next day isn't it! All you can think of is what you could have done with the money. One good thing for me this time at least I have no urges to try and win it back, I've done this so many times now I know that's never going to happen. I always try and put new blocks in place when I'm this low as well so that's a positive, Its the first time I've blocked my bank from gambling sites before, I had GamStop but there's always some dodgy sites that let you still and I have blocks on my wifi but I can switch to using my phone data, Ive barred my self from all bookies, bingo and casinos near me but can still use machines in pubs and do lottery and scratch cards, the blocks are really helpful, they've stopped me gambling loads of times, but without will power there definitely not enough!

Yes really terrible feeling at the moment 🙁

And different from you, my mind still wants more unfortunately. The urges I have after such big losses can be quite heavy for me. However that is also something to go through I know. 

Good to hear you have put more blocks, same for me.

I just can't stop thinking of how much I have just wasted in about an hour of time. :((  Why can my mind still "want more" , even when I do feel miserable and know I will also lose it. I guess it is the true nature of addiction that I notice and feel. 🙁

That's how I was maybe 10 years ago now, I won thousands online so started my driving lessons and planned to buy a car, but by the time I'd passed my test I had no money left to get a car, I gambled everything I'd won and more and just wanted to keep going, I banned myself from online eventually, did well for awhile then ended up on the slots in the bingo hall constantly loosing more and more then banned myself from there did well and just every now an then it slowly creeps back in until I'm back with nothing, it does get easier once youve been in the same position so many times you understand better that it's not even about the money, I know this because when I don't gamble I'm ok for money and once i start again I'm not, it's the playing we're addicted to, it's the buzz of the win not the money that we never end up keeping anyway. I manage to stop maybe for a year at a time but then once I start again I completely loose control, scratch cards, lottery, I even started virtual horse racing, thinking it'll be ok coz the money doesn't go down as fast as on the slots. It's really hard but we need to forget what's gone and realize the only way to have money is to not gamble.

I am just so afraid to continue making a mess. I don't have anyone to give my finances, so have to do it by myself. 

Do you also do it by yourself? And earlier you stopped for a year at the time is also a long period! 

For me it has been the past year now (not for years yet), going worse and worse, higher and higher betting. Chasing my losses. And then wanting to feel the buzz of a big win. 🙁

Day to day money I need to be in control of, but any savings or extra money I'll start leaving at my mams house, I can get it anytime but not having it at the ready definitely helps, my biggest trigger is spare time rather than money though, if there's times when the kids are at school and I'm not at work I start thinking about gambling because I've got the chance, I could be using it to do jobs round the house, meeting up with friends or family or going back to the gym but I'd much rather sit alone spending hundreds of pounds to watch reels spin around and around, then rush around stressed that I've got nothing done and anxious about how much money I've wasted, it makes absolutely no sense at all but I continue to fall back into it! Keeping busy for me is the best thing and making plans for any spare time I have so I can't just spur of the moment decide to gamble. You've got to keep reminding yourself that if you do get a big win it'll never be yours, it'll all go back in, it might not be the same day or even week but you will loose it, people only manage to quit after a big loss never a win!

Good to hear you can have your saving at your mams. And very very same here with the time, if I have free time, I think of gambling. 

And thank you for telling me about the winning and losing. I should remind myself that, even in case I would win anything back, I will eventually give it back to the casino.

It is sort of fuel for the addiction, right? So it also is making no sense at all to win anything back. I really want to keep this as a thought. 

I remember one of my first relapses I lost a couple of hundred and someone said at least you didn't win, I was shocked they said it and couldn't understand but I definitely do now, in long run winning is worse!

The gambling companies know this and it's why they let people win sometimes it's the only way to keep them coming back for more and in the long term making them massive profit.

I unfortunately know exactly what you mean. I have won a big amount of money last year, but gave it all back AND more of my savings. Now that big amount that I once had won in minus of my savings. I could never imagine I would give it all back AND spending so much of my hard earned savings to chase it. It feels like cursed money that I won, since it has brought me where I am now.

It really is terrible , but also feels so strong. Since I did it before my mind tricks me that I could win big again and then stop. But I also didn't stop when I won big. Lost so so much money because of it. :(( I guess it is my own mindf*ck that I think I would stop after that win. Like you said so, you can only stop after a big loss. 

Dear Xcharlotte,

Thank you for sharing your experiences within this discussion thread.

As you have now identified gambling harm often happens side-by-side with irrational thoughts. You are not alone for example having a win that increases your belief in the likelihood of another win. Now it sounds like you have put some gambling blocks in place hopefully you can view the problem at a wider perspective. When we recognise that gambling tends to be a never-ending cycle and can escalate, we realise that there is no ‘perfect’ place in the cycle to stop. We believe that after a win we would stop but many clients have then put the winnings back into more gambling. The ‘perfect’ time to stop is now and ending the cycle overall. If you have not already, please do consider calling our Helpline on 0808 8020 133 if you are based in the UK to discuss the thoughts and beliefs that can be connected to gambling and perhaps even a referral for 1-2-1 support for further discussion.

Wishing you well in your progress this week.

Louise

Forum Admin

Thank you for your reply! Good to keep in mind for me there will never ever be a good moment to stop.

I win - I want more

I lose - I will chase the losses, which will lead to eveh bigger losses. 

I hope to continue breaking the cycle from now on. 

@fun-has-stopped  what you said makes so much sense. Free time is when I get that little  thought in the head.i try visualise how I will feel when I lose and to tell you the truth I don't enjoy it win or lose, but the rush and excitement  of been in a trance is why.

I try say if I gamble I won't be able to sleep or have peace in my head and the thoughts go away. Keep strong get back to the gym it helps