Hi, I am a new member although not new to living with a CG as we have been together 25 years. When we met he used to spend ВЈ10 per week on going to the bookmakers which I did not mind, what used to drive me mad was we would go to town to go shopping he would have to pop in and I could be stood outside for hours with our baby daughter. I should also point out previous to us getting together he had had a problem with slot machines but this had stopped by the time we got together .We had countless arguments about how much time he spent in the bookies at the time I could drive and he couldn't but we didn't have a car so he walked there. A few years later he watched a documentary on how horse racing was fixed and that put an end to it so I thought. He didn't gamble as such for years just he would go through phases he would by a scratch card when he went to the shop then nothing for months. About 5 yrs ago he started online betting on football my daughter's boyfriend at the time used to do it and he started putting the odd pound or two on as well gradually the amounts crept up and up and we argued about it and he promised he'd stop. He did for a time then he'd start again we'd argue I'd throw him out he'd promise to stop he was also drinking at home and this amount was creeping up too. Basically this time last year I threw him out once again because of the drinking and gambling, he claimed the gambling was because of the drinking and went to GP and got support with a local counselling group. The counsellor basically saw him until the New Year and signed him off and told him to get back in contact if needed. Come August I caught him drinking and gambling again between this and the occasion before he had blown ВЈ1000 (some of it cash some on credit card). It's not a huge amount I know and I honestly did count my blessings that it wasn't worse, he has quite a well-paid job and he is paranoid about making sure his DD are paid, we have separate finances and I pay the household bills he pays the luxuries cars, holidays etc. I threw him out had no contact with him for over 3 weeks, he ruined my birthday and left me an emotional wreck. He promised me this was it he'd had a huge wakeup call he gave me his bank card, credit cards was supposed to close account down and give me access to online banking. I had the bank card 2 weeks then he needed it, I couldn't set up online banking as the number of devices had been exceeded and he was supposed to reset them but never did, he had his credit card back temporarily so he could put a tyre on his car. Then last Friday I don't know why I suppose him saying he needed credit card to buy the tyre got me to check his bank account. I went on his phone and accidently pressed the back key and an online gambling site came up. I then checked his bank and email and whilst he had been deleting his emails there were 2 in there confirming he had been gambling about a fortnight and lost about £200 again mixture of cash and credit card He's been thrown out yet again 2 months after he returned, he is living out of his car outside of house because he refuses to go to any of his 3 sisters for help. He's currently verbally abusing me because I won't let him shower or use the toilet says I'm being unreasonable. He's asked me to give him time to sort himself out I don't know what I want. I honestly don't know if it's too little too late. He says he has a problem does he? He's careful about not spending what we don't have but will spend every last penny he can access, he won't take out loans or credit cards but will run up the one he does have, and he has the ability to not gamble for years and years almost turning it on and off. It's got to the point I don't know which way to turn all he thinks of is himself how he's suffering I have had years and years of abuse which is generally because I won't do what he wants me to as soon as I let him back of have his way he's fine. I'm on the verge of a breakdown I work at our local hospital and I had an anxiety attack in work today because there had been a body found in the river, it was totally irrational I know but I can't help it I'm living on edge. He supposedly attended a GAM ANON meeting last night but I don't know if this is more manipulating or if he is serious. I have spoken to his family and our children and none of them believe him I'm at a loss. Sorry about the waffling.
I wrote this on monday but couldnt post it. He attended the meeting on monday and he said it was a relief not to feel judged. Things r getting progressively worse for me though. i dont know where to go or what to do. He wont listen when im telling him what hes doing to me yet he has told his sister the things some of the others at the meeting have done to their loved ones and families are awful. Its like i dont count its like i dont matter. The kids have taken my side but not once have they asked if i ok and they report everything back to him. He even knew what id been looking at on internet. I just feel like screaming what about me dont i count. The abuse started uesterday the name calling the dictating etc etc all cos i wont bow down and listen to his lies and im telling him straight the truth and he dont want to hear it.
There comes a time when you have to put yourself, (and daughter) first. I feel he has had enough chances from your story. I'm not in a position to tell you what to do though. I'm glad I was caught. It stopped me and made me realise that it's not the money, but the thrill and rush from gambling which is so addictive. I wish you well.
Hi shadow. I'm a cg I have 2 children and a fab hubby but I gamble every bit of money I have spare. However saying this I don't understand why he is abusing you. You sound like you've gave him all the support in the world. Us gamblers need supportive people but I don't think anyone would also blame you for walking away after being abused like that. Be strong for your children and yourself. As much as we need support us gamblers also need to own our own addiction and face it. Good luck whatever you decide.
Hello Shadow 22,
You mentioned that you feel like you're on the verge of a breakdown, and that you have experienced an anxiety attack. It sounds like you are feeling stressed, exasperated and frustrated to the extent that you are feeling overwhelmed at times. You also describe how you feel that your family don't recognise or respond to your emotional needs. You've described your partner as behaving in manipulative ways and that he can be verbally abusive towards you.
One way for you to increase the support you are receiving, could be for you to call our freephone 0808 8020 133, where our advisers can listen with empathy, and they can also refer you to our free therapy services if you would like weekly appointments so that you have more support.
Other sources of support could include your GP if you feel your health is suffering, or your emotional wellbeing. If you feel you are experiencing domestic violence you could talk with the National Domestic Violence freephone:
http://www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk/
If you would like to use the 12 steps as a framework for your own recovery, you could look at GamAnon, which is a grass roots peer support fellowship for people in relationship with someone with a gambling compulsion: http://gamanon.org.uk/
Take care,
Forum admin.
Hes not violent but verbally abusive if i wont back down.he says hes sorry but looks to me for answers what does he need to do for me to forgive him i dont have them im just about keeping afloat myself. Ive asked jim fot a plan how he forsees our situation working he dosent have one. He dosent even know about the blocking software hes attended a meeting hes done his bit hes not looked on google hes not done anything
Hes adamant he wants to change and he wants help so I have given him an ultimatum with the help of his sis and im not promising him by doing this we will get back together. He needs to go to his meeting speak to others and see what works dosent work for them and their families and then draw up a plan of action of how hes going to try and control this. However there are 4 stipulations to this 1. Marriage guidance.2 i have soul control of his online banking he has bank card but his money will be in his savings which he wont have access to its highly u likely he will go to bank to withdraw as thats not his style. He can view his accounts whenever he wants through me. 3. All electronics have software installed to prevent him accessing online sites.4 he always attends meetings he cant change what hes done to me but he can pay back and help others so no matter where hes at in his recovery he attends. Ive told him hes not coming home and he needs to gives me time im not meeting him or seeing him in the meantime i need space. Hes agreed to all the above and i have also made sure that whilst i understand hes human and will stumble he has to be honest with me whether im gonna like what hes going to say is irrelevant i need to hear it from him we cant have a future if i cant listen and he lies to me. Hes finally left me alone and i have not heard off him for 5 hours i need time and space and the last 5 hours has been bliss im not constantly waiting for him to start the messaging him again.
Hi Shadow 22
So sorry for your situation. I honestly don't mean to rain on your parade but setting ultimatums and stipulations come with their own set of problems. My son has been a compulsive gambler since he was 18 (now 29 and in recovery). Everytime I set up boundaries for him it almost became a game ... how can I get around these barriers mom set. Virtually every barrier/stipulation you set up can be broken and then lied about so you think you are losing your mind.
A CG has an uncanny way of manipulating others into thinking and believing anything that helps the addiction thrive. It's not personal at all it's just survival for the addiction. Everything about his recovery should be initiated by him if it's to have any hope of success.
Lock down the finances the best you can and then get on with your own recovery in a Gam Anon group. Leave him to sort himself. Why is it that a gambler can find every way possible to get money to gamble then suddenly become helpless when it comes to recovery? Usually because they aren't ready but know that if they say all the right things we all jump to help.
You concentrate on you... don't put more energy into his recovery than he does.
I wish I could tell you this will all go away with some willpower and a few meetings but from my 12 years involved with a CG that is not the case. There is a lot of work on both your parts to get through this.
Get yourself support ASAP.
Cathyx
Good luck, and good to hear you set boundaries. Stand tall and stick to your rules.
Bella x
Hi shadow your story is similar to many others on here who are married to compulsive gamblers for years. What we don't see in the beginning is that this is forever. We don't realise that we are the one who also needs help and support. Why do we stay? The best thing for you to do is detach. Get help and support for yourself, having a panic attack at work is a sign of how badly affected you are. You will feel better once you start taking control of your behaviour. Ultimatums do not work. A gambler stops when they choose to. I went to gamanon, took control of finances and he went to GA. I thought that was enough. I stopped going to meetings, my kids were very young, had no idea about credit reports etc. He had credit cards sent to work, bank statements etc. He continued secretly. His salary went straight to me so I was clueless. He didn't want to stop, he didn't want me to know. When I found out he was out of control again I went back to gamanon. He followed a few weeks later. My point is that we have to look at our behaviour, once you show a gambler that you are reaching out for support and you will change, become stronger. A compulsive gambler will isolate you, send you crazy, cause self doubt. He can't face you because he can't acknowledge the destruction, it's too painful. Compulsive Gambling is an emotional illness and he needs help, so do you. The longer they gamble the more damage they do. It takes a lot of effort to recover. Try not to worry about him, concentrate on you. Get help and support via gamanon, gamcare. Find a meeting even if you only go once. Eventually you will realise when you change your behaviour things will improve.
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