Suicide seems the only way out

Sorry to hear you've lost your sister, Joetheloss, I hope you take the time to go through some of the forums here and take some good advise, suicide isn't the answer! Look up posts by Odaat and Cynical Wife (to name a few) as they always give brilliant advise! all the best

Debra

You certainly sound like your going through a tough period

In the immediate i always found the empathic responses from Samaritans helpful in times of crisis. Some times i still do

You say you know all about the 12 steps and I understand that myself but there's a difference between understanding and working them with a sponsor who can guide you in the good and rough times. Have you been regulary attending GA meetings?

Alternatively you could give Gamcare a ring and have a chat?

Thank you both for replying. I have gone to one GA meeting About 15 Years ago. I shared about a big loss I had, I was working hard at the time and had plenty of money, I felt they thought I was trying to show off at the size of my loss. Nothing was further from the truth. I know enough from 24 years sobriety in AA that it's not the amount I drank but what it did to me. I also know there are no rich or poor Gamblers. It is my age also. How many more times can I say let's make a new start? I am sick with myself. I feel my neighbours knows somebody in the Credit Card Company, and he is looking at me funny, which is probably ridiculous.

Your right joe its not about the money. GA didn't work for me first time out either. I also felt judged but looking back my head probably wasn't in the right place for GA. When i went back last year and i was ready to listen it went down better. I'm still attending weekly.

You might want to consider a period of doing GA along with your AA attendance?

You know the saying 'Give it 12 weeks'

Have you rung up Gamcare in your time?

Even You replying to me here is a help. I feel I can't tell my AA Friends. I haven't Gambled since, But in three weeks My Credit Card will be Topped up again, That is the test. This is it now, no more reserves. I am so lucky to be able to pay it off, I know. I am guilty about everything, seeing a Hungry Child on TV, seeing the suffering of Assylum seekers, My God what Comfort all the Money I have lost over the Years could give to a few hungry Children. I can honestly say If I got it all back I would give half to Charity. It is the Stupidity, Weakness, and Low self Worth that is killing me. The only Comfort I can get, is hoping nobody I know ever finds out. Call it Pride if you want.

I have not rang up anyone, I get sick at the thought of talking to anyone abut it. I want to wake up and say "What a Dream". Two Friends of mine have commited Suicide in the last six Months. Two School Teachers, one 50 and one 36. Beautiful people, who I know were gambling in Secret.. "Takes one to know one" I certainly don't want to cause my Siblings brothers and Sisters, Nephews, Nieces and friends the hardship of me getting rid of myself, that Thank God will stop me, As for myself I don't care. I know I won't Steal, or Cheat for Money Done that for Drinking .. I feel like I got freed from a Bear trap and was so stupid to Walk right back into it again. I have often Sponsored people in AA and told them everything that seems so useless to myself now. I probably know too much... It doesen't make things any easier.

Hi. there is one obvious solution - cancel your credit card ! If you don't want to do that, then report it lost (by phoning up the bank) then cut in two & destroy & bin the new one when it arrives - by reporting it lost you don't need to go into reasons with the bank etc. Pay the card off in full as soon as you have the funds & don't use it again / for a long while. Credit to a compulsive gambler is like a match to a pyromaniac - neither ends well. If you don't have credit the most damage you can then do is the money you actually have. Under those circs zero is a lot lot better than a huge minus.

Oh my what an awfully distressing time for you 🙁 I am so sorry to hear about all of your losses! I just want to cry @ your title though because it absolutely is NOT the way out! You have 24 years sobriety in you, you are stronger than you realise! My sister tried to take her own life (illness related) & you aren't kidding to suggest how much this would hurt people left behind! You don't want to get rich, you want to stop hurting right? Why not take the hope out of people finding out & tell someone? Take control of addiction for a change! You are not worthless, you took a wrong turn! We all feel guilty about hungry children & poverty, volunteer @ a food bank, donate to charity, give something back...Don't we owe it to these people who have nothing to make the absolute most of ourselves that we can? Money won't make you happy but having none sure makes us sad! You know the program, but there's no such thing as knowing too much surely? Knowing it & working it are not the same! Addiction hurts & it can't be beaten on willpower alone! You are suffering so much @ the moment please, ask for help, it is out there!

& in the meantime, we are here, willing you on to fight like you've had to before - ODAAT

I really do appreciate your Responses so much. I know I should Destroy my Card and cut out all Credit options. I suppose I am frightened of my lost feeling of Secuirity over my lost bit of savings. I have lost a lot of money over 20 years on gambling, but this has hit me the Hardest, not only financially but Mentally. I have fought so much over the past 24 years against Fear, insecuirity, Anxiety, Alcohol and was on Top in all the Battles.. Now I feel I am back at square one. Maybe when my Savings come through and I will pay it off, I will feel a bit better and be able to say good bye to my Money and lay it to Rest.I really feel so Grateful for the things I do have, and this is definitley saving me. I keep thinking of my Dead Mother and Father who worked so Hard in 3d World IRELAND to Raise 9 of us, me the Youngest, Jesus what they could have done with 15,000.. I am breaking out in Sweats now thinking of how they would have spent every last penny on the wellfare of their Family, their few Cows, Donkey, and Cats and Dog. Such a Simple life. And I blow it in a few hours backing Virtual Horses. It is bad enough feeling worthless and Guilty but feeling Stupid on top of it is a Killer, The big Empty Hole inside me now is the worse, even Worse than when I stole the price of a Bottle of Cider from my Mothers Purse years ago,.

Hi Joetheloss, sorry to hear about you sad losses. I can't offer too much advice but I can offer my support, I am the same age as you and am also a recovering alcoholic although am no where near your amazing achievement, I have been sober for 3 and a half years, something which I didn't believe would be possible at the beginning of my sobriety journey, I am now at the beginning of my journey of being gamble free - 25 days and I am going to stay on that journey, I will be paying the price of my gambling losses for several years and paying my debts back slowly but surely without adding to them, I am drawing a line under those losses (about £20k) and am making a fresh start, you can too, I am finding by coming on here every day really helps by reading success stories and writing in my diary, it keeps me focussed. Please keep us posted, we can do this Joe

Thank you everyone.

Joetheloss so sad to hear how down you are and what you are contemplating. Somehow get to your sisters funeral. You beat alcoholism so you can beat this. What's done is done put it behind you and keep strong, your not alone and there is plenty of support on here.

Best wishes

John

Hi Joe,

You haven`t been commenting for a few days, hope everything is ok over there? I have read your posts and am really sorry for how you`ve been feeling...... I know you have the money for it, so it isn`t really about the cash for you..... All I can say too -that I tryed to tell myself- is to stop thinking about the amount, it is lost anyway..... Try finding something that you are passionate about, is it animals maybe? You could visit and take dogs for walks - it is really therapeutic, or you could get one on yor own- your profile says you are single- it always help it you feel someone is dependent on you like a pet, as then you have to be strong for them..... Sorry if my suggestions don`t hit home...... But please let us know how you are.....

Take care,

Hi All, Sorry was keeping myself busy over last few days, doing some Electrican Work which I gave up 3 years ago (MY TRADE) feels good. Thank you for worrying about me Lost and Found, I am ok and Have not gambled, Checked Results, or read the Form pages. Please dont misunderstand about me being able to pay, I had a little savings and that is going or most of it to pay the latest Mad episode. I am not rich, but I have no Mortgage or Serious loans and no dependants. I think this is the Reason I never got married, although I got Sober in AA at 28, deep down I think I always knew I could not be trusted. I am an Addict to the Core, I do nothing in moderation, even when I do a good thing i do so much of it until it does me harm. My life is a constant Battle, I hand one thing over to God, and take up some nice passtime or Exercise class next thing these are my new problems. My savings will arrive on the 31st so I will have to take them out 600 Euro Daily by another Debit Card and pay off 15,000, I wish I could pay it all at once, it will tae me 25 days to pay I think. I should be grateful I have it to pay. But what a Stupid, senseless few hours of Madness. I know now I am Mental, who else would do a thing like that but an insane, mental person. If I told people about this I would go down 100 -Below ZERO in their estimation, and I dont blame them. Thank God for this Website, where I can speak or write to people that dont know me. People tell me I should talk to people about it. Never will, has to go to the grave with me. Dont mind talking about Drinking and Mad things I done, but a 2 year old Child would have more sense than to gamble 15,000 on Virtual Horses in a few Hours. Anyway thats me. It is a day at a time now and live as good as I can. Wouldnt even trust myself with a dog. I hope you are all well, and I thank and wish everybody the best. The Suicide thought is going away, but only because there are people and good people that dont deserve to be cleaning up a stupid mess like me.

Joetheloss wrote:

Hello, I live in Ireland. I lost €15,000 Euro on Sunday Night. Max Credit Card Limit. € 8 left now. I stopped working 3 years ago and went back to college, I am 52 after a succesful business after 20 years. I had I thought gambling under Control until a few weeks ago, I switched to Virtual Horses, at first I thought I had them figured out and had a few wins. I always wanted to win more, and If I lost I got angry and wanted to win it back. I had 15,000 Clear Bill last Sunday Evening on my Card after buying loads of stuff and shopping. I said I would top up my Credit Card with a few more Wins. I went to Bed at 4 am with my Credit Wiped out. I want to Commit Suicide. My Sister is Dead in Uk and I cant afford to go over. I am making excuses to my Family about having College Interviews and stuff. I feel like a piece of ******. A few years ago I paid for my Sisters Holiday, now I cant attend her Funeral. I am useless. I have a House paid for, I have Money to pay Credit card or will in a few weeks. But the way I feel now is just undescribeable. I cant tell anyone, I would rather Commit Suicide. I am an Alcoholic also Sober for 24 Years in AA Programme, So I know all about 12 Steps, but they were useless against gambling. Just wanted to add, I worked in Prague for a while in the 2000s and had savings there. I have withdrawn them now to pay for this latest loss, they were my little pension for a rainy day. Now I have lost them in a few hours.

Take some advice from one who has lost his family Home job you name it.

Blown it all in a very short space of time i had not gambled in over twenty years

I am Irish as well, The resession got the beter of me i lost a lot of money from investment started gambling to try to recoup ended up loseing every thing in the space of two years you said you owned your own home if you finding it difficult to stop put the house in a trust so you cant borrow against its value

Get rid of the credit card today right now.

When the pain of what you have done stats to lesson the demons will return.