The feelings...

Hi, yes I agree. The cycle is torture.

Somewhere within all those negative emotions the addiction hid.

The addiction to risk. The fevered anticipation that the next spin could be the big one!

.... and of course while in that mindset of emotional upheaval, you could also switch off from all your other life problems and not have to "think" about what you were really doing.

Thats what its like for me anyway 

When we fall we start over.

Onwards and upwards

Good post, 

its baffling why we put ourselves through this, I gambled again last Monday, I was conscious all the time I was doing it that I would lose, I was gobsmacked I let this addiction back in, however it had been building, eating at me, going to the races was easy to get through but I know it didn’t help.No need to put myself in that position.

i went out yesterday for a drink, my OH was due to come with me but was ill, I still went out and found myself almost going into a bookies, until I remembered the pain and walked past it.i remembered that I will eventually lose so stay away.

its like we want to inflict pain on ourselves, nuts.

It's so bizarre, I honestly expected that in amongst the feelings I would be able to pinpoint a moment of elation or relief or excitement or something that I could explore more so I could seek it elsewhere. But instead the whole experience was a depressing tale of anguish with not even a moment of goodness... this makes me see just how pathetic and tragic this addiction really is. If it was alcohol or some other kind of substance I would expect that at some point there was a 'high' or a 'calm' as the chemical does its work on my brain but this, this is just a hopeless hit of "what if"... you the thing is with a substance the outcome is guaranteed... I would get a high of some kind and then a low. With this the outcome is not really known until I take the hit and that is what I'm chasing. Frustratingly I have gambled and won enough to buy a holiday or pay off some debts etc. I know people who have gambled and been able to buy a car or improve their home so it makes the battle commence... if this was heroin I would know exactly before I took it what state I would be in after, you never see others in a better situation from taking it,  yet gambling is able to conceal itself under a mask of "it could be you" no amount of reasonable and rational self debate seems to bypass the "maybe this time" urge because regardless of how slight the chance its still a chance when the urge kicks in...

I hate gambling and I hate the way it can take hold... none of it makes sense, it doesn't even make me feel good, I'm hurting people I love and I honestly have nothing to show for it... I have got to beat this. No more living on a "what if"...

I cannot but hel but focus on this one line because i have asked myself this question many times

why do i seek somthing that makes me feel like this?

If like me you have looked around yourself ask youself what you have other than gambling and what you want and therin i feel you will find the answer...it is all a matter of how bad you want change and what you are prepared to do to get to this goal unfortunately i have not crossed that line and continue to gamble but this is the best answer i can give