The Perfect Storm!

Hi Everyone,

I'm knew to this forum and wanted to share my story. I know I'm not alone on this crazy journey, but I've always been curious to know if the extent and extremism of my gambling resonates with anyone.

Like many, I question how and why this crazy and evil addiction chewed me up and **** me right back out!

I've always dabbled at scratch cards and the national lottery but around 3 years ago I landed a new job in the city. I worked my **** of for a year and the financial reward was quickly gifted to me.

The business unit I was running was a success and I had more money that I’ve ever had before. I wish the business unit had failed as it was only destined to fuel the raging gambling fire that has been burning for well over two years.

Life at home with my spouse wasn't exactly the fairy tale that it had once been, and I began to feel a desperate void in my life. A bottomless pit of emptiness and numbness. I longed for excitement or perhaps a distraction from the isolation that I felt.

Having proved myself to my boss, I was also given the option of working from home as opposed to the two hours commute each day.

I quickly took them up on this offer not realising it was to be my downfall. At first, it wasn't really a problem for me. I would work from early morning until around 2 pm but then I began to have a lot of free time on my hands

One day, I was browsing online when suddenly an ad for a gambling company popped up offering a sign up bonus.

You guessed it, I went for it. A few hours in and I had won some money. But where had those hours gone. It was 8 pm – more than a few hours.
I withdrew the money and closed my laptop. That night I couldn't sleep. The thrill and excitement was what I longed for. I was hooked!

It was 3 am and I logged back on to my account and reversed the withdrawal. 3 hours later every last penny was gone.

Looking at it now - I only really lost my original deposit as the winnings wasn't ever money that I'd put in from my own account, but unfortunately at the time I didn't see it like that.

Fear of losing more put me on hold mode for a few weeks but I couldn't stop thinking about the winnings I had lost.

One day the news came in that a client was going to sign up to a large commercial agreement and that I was to receive a large bonus for my efforts. I asked for this to be advanced to me and my boss agreed.

Back online and the spinning of high stakes hands at a time across two sites simultaneously begun. By the end of a 9 hour binge, I had lost almost half the bonus.

History repeated itself, though this time 9 weeks went past and and I hadn't gambled. Id thrown myself into my work and not given gambling a second thought. It wasn't until I received a phone call one day that informed me that my client was pulling the plug on the deal - the one that had advanced me the bonus!

The panic quickly set in as I knew that the advance would need to be paid back in full. The problem was I only had just over half left!

Beast mode was quickly activated in the hope of being able to win the money back! To my utter surprise I won the money back and then some.

After a 14 hour binge, I was exhausted. I paid the bonus back and had some left. Instead of rationalising and quitting, I took a few months of and went and repeated the destructive cycle that is gambling.

I lost that money, maxed out 2 credit cards and my overdraft. Panicking about the debt that was piling up, I asked my boss for another advance against my monthly bonus's.

Instead of clearing my debt and starting on a clean slate, I ended up gambling it all away. My work had begun to suffer as I was spending so much time gambling and I eventually hit rock bottom when I lost my job, owing them money.

I couldn't afford to pay this back and was eventually taken to court. I didn't even bother placing a defence as I knew I didn't have one. I was exhausted. A CCJ was later issued against me and I'm now in the process of slowly putting my shattered life's pieces back together.

I went without gambling for 9 months. I secured a new job, started paying back my debts. I filled the void if time through going to the gym, spending more time with my family and son and working non-stop. I'd even managed to save some money.

A series of arguments combined with a spout of boredom hit me at the beginning of August 2019.
I had made the crucial mistake of not self excluding via GamStop. I had self excluded from one site but ended up finding the exact game I'd once loved on another.

I won some money over 7 days and then lost it all. I spun away with not a care in the world. It's like I wanted to lose. I was like a man possessed by the devil. Who else sits there laughing at the losses (£50 a go) and cursing to the screen thinking that someone is secretly watching your reactions via your selfie camera!

Several thousand in deposits later and I'm back to square one. I'd built up some comp points worth a few hundred quid but spun it away in less than a few minutes at £50 a spin.

Thankfully. I'm ten days gamble free but only because I have no funds left. I'm at my wits end with this cycle of destruction.

I know my triggers and do everything I can to fill the time void - but when I find myself alone with just my thoughts in the early hours of the morning - old habits come back to haunt me!

I've now self excluded for 5 years and swapped banks to Monzo - so I can no longer spend a penny on gambling related activities. I've also reached out to a cognitive behavioural psychologist.

I've been so many things in my life. A Soldier, a Prisoner, a Homeless Man and now a Mentally broke man. I hope to find peace at long last and never want to go back to gambling. I'm taking each day as it comes for now.

I've yet to share my experience and troubles with my spouse or family but did find the courage to share my woos with a few friends. This did make me feel a lot better but I know I have to confide in my spouse and family at some stage. This petrifies me more than losing ever did.

Any tips or pointers on how to come clean to your family/spouse would be greatly received.
Thanks for reading my story. Please feel free to ask questions or share your own journey.

God bless and stay strong.

S