The shame, the embarrassment, the destruction.

Good Morning,

First time poster. Thank you for having me, and I feel for the first time I can be completely open and honest in life, because I have finally admitted to being addicted to gambling for the last 37 years. Gambling has helped me lose everything, but nothing prepared me for the biggest loss of my life 8 days ago. My precious and beautiful wife told me our marriage was over because of my behaviour and despite this I still took another 6 days to tell her the truth.

I now have to be open and honest and tell others I have a gambling addiction too.

I started gambling when I was 14, fruit machines in the local arcade, my parents were having problems, and I had a paper round and a good sideline in selling cigarettes at school! I had friends, I was popular but I just didn’t want to be at home. I felt good gambling, it was my escape, I imagine it to be like the first hit a heroin user gets. This was the start of the most destructive relationship with life.

As the years went on, I tried Poker, Roulette, but mainly switched to the horses and football. I tried many times to walk away, but I was always lured back, each time a relapse I would hate myself further but think well tomorrow will be the first day I won’t bet. That first day would never come, and each day a little more self loathing. 

The intensity of my gambling fluctuated with my mood and external life factors at that given time, if I was going through a ‘bad patch’ it would get heavier, and once a person I knew admitted to self harming, and when I asked why, they told me it just released a pressure when they did it, I understood what they meant straight away, gambling did that for me.

I have always tried to carry a strong persona to cover up the person I knew I was, I could never admit to anyone of this addiction because I was embarrassed, ashamed and sorrow. 

I felt I had the same feelings win, lose or draw. Elation if I won, and self loathing if I lost, both are very similar feelings to me.

Everytime I try to do something about it like put a cooling off period on my account, it would be only set to the next Saturday or set a low deposit limit, and this would be changed 24 hours before a big meeting.

My mood swings were terrible, and when out with my wife, I would check the winner of the 19:40 at Kempton or who scored the first goal in the late premiership match, the answers to these would dictate my mood and how the evening would go. 

I feel different now, I am 9 days free, I have admitted my addiction, and incredibly lucky that even after what I have put her through, she will assist me on my journey to recover. But the marriage is still over.

I will always have to live with the fact that a massive contributory factor of losing the best thing that has ever happened to me was my choice to pick a large betting corporation for emotional support over her. 

It’s going to a long, unpleasant, and sometimes challenging journey I know and that is why I have joined, as another layer of support. But at the very least I want her to see in time I was strong enough to defeat this and get an iota of respect from her back.

Sorry for the rambling and pleased to be here.