Today's the day that I have finally had enough. I really can't keep repeating this endless cycle. I win some, then lose it, then chase the losses...always telling myself that this will be the last time, but it never is.
I've gambled for about 10 years now, but it has got progressively worse over the last few years. I think I've lost about £25,000...all to online slots. Once I start, I just can't stop.This month has been really bad. I just seem completely fixated with gambling.
I've been trying to work out why I do it, but there is no real answer. I do it because it gives me a bit of a rush when I'm winning, because it kills time and because it alleviates boredom. Mostly I do it because I like it. But how can I like something that causes me such stress? That has turned me into a liar? That convinces me that it's ok to take money from the joint account without my husband knowing to use online? To look at him and know that I've deceived him?
Recently I've been telling myself that I'd stop in October. It's my 50th birthday next October and I'd made a deal with myself that I'd be one year gamble free by the time I reached that milestone. I've spent my 40's hooked and miserable and I really don't want to waste my 50's in the same way.So, I'd made a deal with myself that I'd keep on chinging away until my birthday and then that would be it. I'd give up for good.However, after another gut wrenching day involving losing all that I'd won, I've decided that waiting till October is just plain crazy. I'm just giving myself an excuse to carry on and if I'm really serious about quitting then I've got to stop making excuses and just get on with it.
To be honest, I'm a bit scared. The thought of never gambling again is quite frigthening to me right now. I'm sure that will pass and I'll have good days and bad, but for now I'm determined that today will be the last day that I ever gamble online. Tomorrow will count as my day 1 and I will come back on here to start my diary.
Thanks to everyone on here who has shared their stories. I've been reading them over the last few weeks and they've really helped me to see that I'm not alone and that it can be done.
Hi LifeBegins, welcome to recovery 🙂
Looks like you've been around for a while so there's probably nothing I can say that you haven't heard already but as you have read, nothing you say is out of the ordinary! The thought of never gambling again terrified me @ the start of my journey but now gambling again is what strikes the fear.
Good on you for coming here now...No point putting off til tomorrow what you can do today!
I will look out for your diary tomorrow!
Time to fight - ODAAT
Hi LifeBegins
Welcome to the forum.
Your off to a good start, having read some of the stories on the forum. You will then be aware of the first few things that you have to do.
Tell your husband and give control of your finances him. Limit your acces to any means of obtaining cash or credit. Install blocking software on your online devices. Attend GA and/or counselling sessions.
This addiction is a tough nut to beat. You will need the help mentioned above to assist you in arresting it. Don't be ashamed or embarrassed to ask for help. Our egos can prevent us from asking for help. Don't allow your ego to get in the way.
The first steps are always the hardest, but the end result will be worth it. 🙂
Best wishes
Thank you both for your welcome and positive comments.
ODAAT...you're right, I have been around for a while! When I finally decided to write that post last night I looked at my profile and it turns out I first joined in 2013. I've been telling myself it's got to stop for years, but never putting any action behind my words. Well, this time it's different. I think I've finally reached a point when I really meant it.
wal1957...Thank you for some good advice. To my great shame, I have already had counselling for this addiction about 3 years ago. It was really helpful at the time and gave me a lot of insight into the problem. I then didn't gamble for about 6 months after which the little voice in my head started up again. I told myself that I was in control...that maybe I didn't really have a problem as I hadn't gambled for so long...that now I would be able to gamble for fun and walk way. The lies we tell ourselves, eh? Obviously, that didn't work out very well!
Day 1 today. Onwards and upwards 🙂
Hi LifeBegins
It's a sad fact of life that a lot our members of GA who 'miss' meetings for any length of time, do eventually relapse. Some of those do eventually enter recovery again, some unfortunately have to hit another 'rock bottom' before we see them again.
I attend my local GA meeting every week, (work permitting), and intend to do so until I'm 6 foot under. It's a little reminder, my 'medicine' if you like, that I do have a problem. I have it under control at the moment, but am always aware of it, and the damage that it can quickly cause.
Don't feel ashamed. You're back on track, and that is the most important thing to remember. The more you appreciate what you have, the more you will have to appreciate. 🙂
Take Care
Thanks wal1957. You're right...I've made the decision to get back on track and that's what's important.
LifeBegins wrote:
Thanks wal1957. You're right...I've made the decision to get back on track and that's what's important.
thanks for the support. keep on track
"The more you appreciate what you have, the more you will have to appreciate. :-)"
Such a great quote!
wal1957 wrote:
Hi LifeBegins
It's a sad fact of life that a lot our members of GA who 'miss' meetings for any length of time, do eventually relapse. Some of those do eventually enter recovery again, some unfortunately have to hit another 'rock bottom' before we see them again.
I attend my local GA meeting every week, (work permitting), and intend to do so until I'm 6 foot under. It's a little reminder, my 'medicine' if you like, that I do have a problem. I have it under control at the moment, but am always aware of it, and the damage that it can quickly cause.
Don't feel ashamed. You're back on track, and that is the most important thing to remember. The more you appreciate what you have, the more you will have to appreciate. 🙂
Take Care
Some fantastic advice on here; and, Lifebegins, the power of support, for example on these forums, can be amazing.
Have you tried counselling, from Gamgare or one of their providers. It's geared to gamblers like us. I've just started and it's like medicine, as wal1957 nicely put it in respect of his GA meetings.
It will help you!
Hi LifeBegins
You raise some key points about accepting why we did it and the real reasons for it. The answers dont fully come until you bare your soul and get right to the root of it.
It is scary to admit a form of mind control has been happening. Some are so scared of facing this truth that it is easier for them to continue gambling.
Its a deadly addiction which plays on the very core of human emotion. I was a mess and Im still working through it. I had put a brave delusional front on it but I was a mess of repressed emotions and depression.
I was ignoring the odds completely for feelings that something had to be good to me and pure escape from stress. Its a complex situation where spinning reels were a trance inducer or stress reliever at the time even though they were actually causing more stress and pain. Its the same thing as people wanting alcohol or other drugs to be good to them. It may numb the pain and create a rush at the time but the reality is still there while they risk their health. Some people dont understand that gambling works in the same way and is just as dangerous if not more so. Its far more than a silly activity for foolish people The horrors it has lined up range through divorce, bankruptcy, homelessness, social isolation to suicidal depression
Its actually that I was substituting my deep pain for a different anxiety and stress that the machines create. One pain would cancel the other but be just as dangerous in the same way that people self harm or drink to destruction.
If you focus on what gambling has done to you it is scary but you need to focus on that reality and stop now. Some people are so scared by that reality and the cant accept it so they continue to chase and it gets many times worse.
That is the reality though. Gambling creates addicts and it destroys people.
Gambling is the most irresponsible thing and online slots is the worst thing you can do. They have actually got the gambling into your home which is a dangerous derugaltion thats been going on for years.
So no need to set dates as thet is your mind unwilling to face it. You must stop right now and in a moment of strength block from all these sites and make sure you cant deposit with a card.
We all generally recommend that you tell someone close as the addiction is so strong it will use isolation and secrecy as a security blanket to keep gambling.
Focus on that reality and try explaining that loss because you will see that its impossible to ratinalise. Gambling is not for you. Its dangerous to you so let it go as calmly as possible
Being gamble free is a wonderful and proud feeling
Best wishes from everyone on the forum
Welcome to the forum lb 😉
Errr...not quite sure how this old post got dragged back out. I think it must have been Triangle bringing it back to life! I started a diary just after writing this and I spend most of my time in the diaries section now. I rarely read the new members posts, so it was a bit of a shock to see it. Not sure I even recognise the person who wrote it...I've come a long way and thankfully I feel very different now. Thanks Shattered, Mixer and Joydivider for your advice and support. I appreciate you taking the time to reach out to me. And thanks Deano for the welcome 🙂
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