I've been gambling for years now, I've lost count of how much money I've lost and won, for then to lose and win again on a repetitive cycle. The feeling of relapsing and losing masses of money again scares me and I just think of the horrible feelings and emotions it brings.
I've got roughly 4 years of debt to pay off that I can manage due to my monthly salary but have recently accumulated a healthy bank balance again and I'm worried I'll throw it all away again. I have small personal savings in a separate account that I can't access until the summer and a savings account with my partner as well so things are really looking up financially again, despite my personal loans I have to pay off monthly. Nobody knows about my gambling problems and I would like to keep it that way, which is why I have finally joined GamCare.
I want to try and do this myself along with the help and support of others through GamCare. Approaching Christmas and New Year, I've promised myself I will never make an online gambling deposit again. Today is my second day but I do miss the urge to play live roulette, especially as I have been on a winning streak recently. I've read other posts I can relate to as for me it's more about the game itself and the escapism it brings rather than winning and losing anymore, although I feel horrendous when I lose masses of money when reality kicks in.
I've been to Vegas and plenty of casinos before and can control myself in live atmospheres but not online whatsoever. I play a few free daily online games, I want to be honest but I've promised I will not make a single deposit again and I don't want to be tempted.
My triggers for gambling I've become to understand is now boredom due to having it being a constant activity, but also anxiety, depression and grief due to unwell family members. I think health anxiety for those I love and myself is a problem that I have that contributes to it. I've gambled in attempt to make up for a bad day or even when the football team I support loses as I feel a high has been taken away. The irony of all this is that gambling, and especially losses makes this worse.
Sorry for the long post, it does feel good to write this down though and I want to support others as well as support myself through this. I'll only be honest and truthful on this post, if I relapse and make an online deposit/ online gamble again I will update but hopefully my updates will only be positive and see the days of abstention tally up.
Take care and stay safe mentally and physically everyone. We can all do this!
Very surprised to see nothing on here. I've gone and deposited again and played live roulette. I'm very disappointed in myself but when you feel alone in this as I always have done it's easy to resort to doing the norm which is gambling. A few weeks ago I tried to access live chat after a big win, desperate to stop but I had no response. A few minutes later I gambled everything away again. A new day and start begins again tomorrow.
Very surprised to see nothing on here. I've gone and deposited again and played live roulette. I'm very disappointed in myself but when you feel alone in this as I always have done it's easy to resort to doing the norm which is gambling. A few weeks ago I tried to access live chat after a big win, desperate to stop but I had no response. A few minutes later I gambled everything away again. A new day and start begins again tomorrow.
Hello.
Sorry that you did not get a quicker reply.
Great to hear that you are seeking support. Are there any Gam Anon meetings near where you live?
I know that many people on here (me included) benefitted greatly from the weekly meetings.
It is great to hear you understand your triggers and can recognise them.
Without a doubt those that are more knowledgeable about the healing process would suggest a few things that you could do that you are currently not doing. What do you think of these as a starting point?
- Join a local meeting
- Self exclude from all websites / shops etc
- Block gambling websites (I ended up downloading GamBlock for my laptop, phone and ipad as a way of ensuring that I can't use online gambling). This really helped me.
- Speak to those closest to you for support
Take care.
Hi,
Thanks for sharing your story. It feels like you have a lot of triggers that gives you urges to gamble.
Boredom, anxiety, depression and grief to name a few. You can tell me whatever you want about gambling in a live atmosphere but this is just you giving extra strength to your enemy and changing your neurological wiring even more. If you could place the bet in live atmosphere as fast as you could in on-line casino you would loose same amount of money and any control that you have. It is also that the chips and cash for our brain is much more valuable than some pixels on your phone or PC even though it is the same thing.
What I can tell from my experience that you lack dopamine from healthy every-day sources. When you have problems of getting dopamine your brain is looking where to get some. And gambling gives you a lot of dopamine. And dopamine is one hell of a drug. It is going to be hard my friend, but you will do it.
You have to stop gambling at first. You do it now or you wait til you loose another decent chunk of money and feel more down and depressed than ever. It might actually help you as you would get angry and kickstart your recovery process. Another step would be to trying talking with yourself and self-reflecting. Try a journal or a diary. Are you happy in all areas of your life? Is the s*x good with a partner or is it no s*x at all? Do you feel good in your body or are you stressing about your heart, liver or lungs? Maybe you are out of shape and do not like yourself anymore? Do you feel like others are grateful enough to you? I cant ask correct questions because I am not you. But you know what questions to ask.
Personally, I understood many things when I started this. I understood that I want to be healthy and I am constantly worrying about my health. I understood that I had unfulfilling and awful s*x life. I hated my body. I was getting more and more fat and unhappy and couldnt look at myself in a mirror. I was working and stressing way too many hours. I was longing for a friend that I can talk to.
After the questions have been asked I made a little plan what the hell I am going to do with my one and only life. Do I want to feel miserable all of my life? Being happy (or rather not being unhappy) is MOST OF THE TIMES a choice. And I took that decision. I started eating healthy, started excersising hard even though many times I fel that my heart will jump out of my chest after 10 years of being in awful athletic form. I thought to myself that I would rather die than not change myself to the better and that helped me to go through this. I found a friend that I can talk to. I found Gamcare where I can read something, post something or give somebody like you my insight. I read self-help books and I write a diary. I talk with myself finally, after many years of cruising on auto-pilot in my life. I feel proud when I can help myself. I pat myself on the shoulder when I overcome obstacles, go through a gamble-free day or after I do something good for myself. I challenge myself with ice showers and baths, doing uncomfortable s**t like hiking for 10 miles until my feet are sore. By eating healthy I lose my weight and feel better about my body. Naturally my confidence and self-esteem is better. I can trust myself. I can believe that I can overcome this and I will surely overcome this.
All of these healthy activities are giving me all that dopamine that I did not have before. It is repairing my neurological wiring. When my body has enough of healthily-earned dopamine then urges dissapear, then I even wonder why I was gambling at the first place. It will take you some time, but that time will come. The worst you can do now is to do nothing. Gambling already put you in a debt for 4 years. Do you like to give some millionaire casino owner more of your hard-earned money? You will never win and there is no safe bet to make. You will only put yourself in more trouble, damage more of your brain, loose more money, feel bigger depression and anxiety than ever. Gambling is not a fix. It can make you feel a little better for a short time but you will feel tenfold more broken after. It is made like this. The greatest trick that the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he did not exist. Devil exists in a form of gambling. It made me fall in the lowest of lows. It will do same to you. I was in my personal hell and I am never coming back there.
I hope that this gave you some new insights in to the problem we all have.
I am sending you love and keep strong. You are not alone.
Lets see each other on the bright side.
M
@waitingforthend Who did you promise that you wouldn't deposit or gamble again?
The two most common phrases I used when I was gambling were "I sorry" and "I promise". I meant it at the time, I really did, but ultimately I found that the only thing that helped me was changing something. My change meant going(back) to Gamblers Anonymous or changing my situation. You mention you have accrued some savings. Why not use those savings to pay off your debts, or move the money into an account that you can't access immediately?
You can also sign up to Gamstop to help yourself from accessing the sites you currently use. Can you do that?
As for wanting to keep it a secret from others, all that will do is give your addict the opportunity to use it against you. If you are honest and open, you can start to get better with the help of others. If not then at some time you won't be able to keep it a secret but you would have also lost everything you hold dear.
Be brave, tell someone and start getting better.
Chris.
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