So..
It's been a while since I placed my head in my hands.. my heart beating uncontrollably.. the feeling of dread building up in the pit of my stomach at the shocked realisation of what I've just done.. all in a fevered one hour.. click click click.. but at 15.05hrs today.. there i was again..
Why was i shocked.. why was i surprised.. I've seen it coming.. I've felt it.. it's been building.. I know the signs.. I could write the book on how gambling can destroy your life.. throw away your job.. your relationship.. I've been there.. I've been a few bottles of pills away from ending it and never being there again.. but I bounced back.. I got new jobs.. new girlfriends.. fresh people I could fool and hide my devious ways and hidden dark life.. 8 years on from the last time I lost everything I am on the verge again.. however this time I've come on here hopefully before I've hit the bottom..
I should have come here sooner.. but I was too busy keeping my secrets and pretending I was fooling myself.. I can't fool me.. of course i knew I was spiralling out of control.. but still i chose gambling over everything in my life..
I've never actually quit before.. maybe a few months here and rhere.. nothing official.. usually at a time when things got really bad.. but I've always been lucky enough to have a good income.. not that I saw much of it.. after bills the rest would be clicked away.. but as I could 'afford' to gamble I conned my self it was OK. Truth is I knew I was a compulsive gambler.. I just wasnt willing to care.. or should I say I wasn't willing to care about anything more than my precious gambling.. and so I've spent the last 10 years 'controlling' it.. by that I mean not loosing enough that I couldn't pay my bills.. just the rest of it.. we all know it was controlling me and i was allowing me to pay my bills so I would never change and have to face the problem.. to finally let go of that side of me.
So once apon a time I used to be a police officer.. an inspector at 27.. high flying ey.. I had a fiancee.. a child with her.. a loverly big house.. first went the fiancee taking my kid.. next was my career.. which wasnt helpful especially with 40k worth of gambling debt.. i had drove my car drunk as i was on a winning streak.. grinding an all nighter.. sat alone in the dark.. drinking.. clicking.. smoking.. drinking.. clicking.. smoking.. after running out of f**s mid binge.. my fevered mind had my shoes on and car keys in my hand faster than I can lose 1k.. 1 hour later I was sat in a police cell having been arrested by my subordinates.. I sat in that stinking cell with my head in my hands and sobbed.. I had finally destroyed everything..
This was 8 years ago.. you would think that would make me quit gambling.. instead.. I cried.. I admitted to everyone I had a problem.. I went to a GA meeting and sobbed to a room full of strangers.. I unburdened the pain I felt.. i gave myself the official badge of a compulsive gambler.. i never returned to a 2nd meeting.. I had too much to do in my life.. to recover and fix in my life.. I never really gave quitting gambking any respect or the effort it deserved.. gambling was after all my comfort blanket.. i just kept telling myself it was me that destroyed my life.. other choices I made.. not gambling choices.. not my precious poker..
A few more girls came and all went because of the poker.. I was damaged goods.. a liability and absolutely.. ruthlessly selfish.
So as life moved on I got a new career.. worth even more money than before.. a new fiancee hotter and funnier than the first.. bullet proof me ey.. look at the guy that has it all.. all coming tofether.. me.. my girl.. my job.. perfect life.. who are we kidding.. that's the public face of it.. in the secret reality i was still hiding late at night in a dimly lit room.. secretly click click clicking my life away.. knowing with every click im risking my new lufe not just money.. slowly she started to work it out.. she got wise.. I made promises.. I broke promises.. I swore I wasn't playing.. I swore I wasnt lying whilst having logged off minutes earlier in panic upon hearing her dreaded footsteps as she is coming down stairs to check on me.. after rows we'd put on blocks.. close accounts.. then I'd spend weeks finding ways.. scheming and plotting and eventually I'd be reunited with my one true love.. P P P P P P P P pokerface..
But I was only hurting me right.. I mean.. I left enough for us to have an ok life.. it was my money.. keep me justifying it to myself miss poker.. keep me feeling righteous.. as always.. thinking that when I win the big one my misses will see it was all worth while.. when I'm doing it professionally and we are seeing the world she will thank me and see I was right.. I mean.. I can't be far off professional level having posted year on year losses of 10's of thousands of pounds.. a few more hours study.. a few more you tube videos.. always justifying it to myself so I don't feel the guilt.. in real life it wasn't the poker.. it was the gamble.. the buzz.. the sparse winnings wasn't money.. it was more time playing poker.. in 10 years despite some big wins and good runs.. (few and far between) I only withdrew money once.. once in 10 years..
But it's ok.. it's ok.. I still pay my bills.. I still have a bit of money for a life.. I earn enough to support this 'hobby'.. ohhhhh yes a hobby.. poker is skill right.. so what.. if you always re-bet the dollar.. over and over.. higher and higher eventually your aces will get cracked.. and they always get cracked.. along with your heart and along with the people in your life..
So for those of you who might read this.. who have disposable incomes that you like to designate for your gambling hobby.. who are in 'control' just be careful and constantly evaluate whether you are truly in control or already in the grips of the addictions control.. Here's how I found out I wasn't..
October 2015.. quit said well paid job after big bonus.. to search for something less stressful more.. full filling.. life affirming..
Luckily a final bonus and owed holiday pay meant the bills where covered till March 2016 so plenty of time.. (best not tell the misses I have that much money though ey.. ya know.. just in case I want a little clicky clicky while she is at work) just in case.. 5 days a week home alone.. im sure knowing what you all now know about me you see whats coming.. I'm the only one who had to deny whats coming.. deny it so I can play.. and play whilst blissfully day dreaming of poker stardom.. ya know.. now I have all this time to commit to the art.. what a joke.. for a clever boy this addiction sure does make me pretty dumb.
November 2015
Loverly holiday to Mexico pre-booked and paid for in the pre-sabatical days.. can't relax as I've gambled away all but two mortgage payments.. in desperation give her the remaining money saying better safe than sorry.. give no hint that there was far more gone in a click.. feeling of dread entire holiday knowing I'm skint.. am I worried how I will buy presents for everyone at Christmas.. I can't smoke.. can't go out for a drink.. of course not.. what's important is how am I going to play poker.. panic..
December 2015
Where I used to play for hundreds.. sometimes thousands I'm now ecstatic to play for dollars.. my loving fiancee is now at this point supporting me financially in this short crossover period to a new career.. she now pays for the meal.. the shopping.. the drinks.. she has savings.. she works hard 45 hours a week and is careful with money.. very careful..
Am I thinking about getting a job to take the burden back off her.. no I'm thinking about can i gather enough change when she gives me a note to pay for something.. enough change to buy a 10 pound voucher.
She buys me f**s when I ask.. a crate of beer.. she doesn't grumble.. she gives me money to buy Christmas presents and buts Christmas presents for my son. I borrow 40 pounds of my mum to buy her a present.. merry Christmas my love.. I spent it on poker..
January 2016
We've spent a lot over Christmas.. a lot of her money.. she's started to worry it won't last and we need to tighten our belts and I need to hurry up finishing my mid life crises and get back to work.. I can't get money off her to divert to poker any more..
Ive used my mum.. so I borrow money off my best friend.. claiming to be short on the mortgage.. just 85 quid mate.. just a little short.. click click gone.. I need another 100 mate another direct debit has gone out.. your a life safer thank you..
Knowing I don't have mortgage money for the end of the month I need to turn this 100 into 730.. click click gone..
I raid the copper jar.. take it to morrisons.. it takes 10p in the pound but I don't care.. £17.27 more than I though.. last chance.. click click gone..
I have 1p in my bank.. I try pay day loans.. credit too poor.. I have finally done it.. I have exhausted every avenue for poker cash..
I sign up to an agency.. get issued high vis uniform that very day and head for the docks.. earning less money an hour than when I was 17 I work a 12 hour shift.. and another.. and another..
My misses drives me there early in the morning and picks me up late in the evening every day, I can't drive my self.. my car has no tax or mot because I spent all my money on gambling.. yesterday after driving me home my misses tells she's proud of me.. she kisses me.. I feel good.. all it took to make her proud of me was grafting a 12 hour donkey shift that she knows I'm too snobby for.. she knows I'd see it as beneath me.. but she knew I was doing it for her.. and so she loved me more for it.. and I loved her more for all she had done for us.
Today
Today I felt proud of myself for working hard.. forget my misses.. today is my day.. she is at work.. I've worked hard.. I owe me some me time and my poker wife misses me..
I spend 3 hours signing up to poker sites with fake details trying to get no deposit bonuses.. no joy.. I've raped them all before and their system detects me..
I still have my fiancee's bank card as she gave me it last night to get a crate of beer.. I only drank two of the 12 as I knew I'd need the rest today.. poker day..
I don't want to deposit direct as then she would know so I walk to the shop.. withdraw 10 pounds of her money and buy a poker voucher.. excitedly I return home.. breath a big sigh of relief.. open a beer and settle in.. horror.. message from cashier.. voucher system down.. please use other method.. I contemplate for longer than usual.. I'm uneasy about her knowing I'm playing or using her money.. but she knows I've worked hard.. she knows I have money coming.. I won't be in too much trouble for a tenner..
I log on to her paypal and take ten pounds.. click click gone.. I take 25 click click gone.. I take 15.. click click gone.. Oh no.. that's now 50.. I'm in big trouble.. I better at least win it back to limit how mad she's going to be.. click click click click.. 50.. 100.. 100.. 100.. 100
500 pounds.. lets not call it anything else.. I STOLE 500 pounds from the one person in the world who loves me more than herself.. that helps me.. supports me.. that told me she was proud of me..
The feverish panicky haze that it was lasted 48 minutes.. 48 minutes I wiped out any hope I have of her being proud of me.. of her loving me like that.. her faith.. her belief.. she now knows what I truly am.. I despise myself.. now she will too..
I delete all emails.. tidy up my paper trail like I've done hundreds of time before.. only this time there's something I can't hide.. 500 pounds of her money missing..
I contemplated leaving her to notice.. hoping to last the weekend til I can hide at work while she notices..
For once in my life.. I manned the f up.. as soon as she walked through the door I sat her down and told her.. I told her everything.. and as I told her I realised how ridiculous it all sounded.. how hard it must be for someone who doesn't have this addiction to understand the lengths I have been to to play a game..
She was upset.. she was mad.. she has gone to her friends for the night.. I don't know if she will leave me.. I don't know if I am going to end up back where I was 8 years ago..
What I do know is.. today I'm not going to gamble anymore.. and tommorow I will get up and use every emotion I have not to gamble again tommorow..
Before she left I did something I've never done.. I've never fully committed to.. I guided her to all my sites.. showed her how to block me.. I sealed my online fate.. and I didn't leave myself a back door route back in.. I even got her to block me on the lap top.. it's not a cure.. but it's a start.. and I got to start somewhere..
I'm working 12 hour shifts every day with the agency to pay her back as soon as possible whether she stays or goes.. that will help keep me out of trouble.. I know how easily it changes.. but I really don't want to gamble.. I liked being proud of myself and having someone proud of me.. I have not had that for 10 years, not surprisingly since I started gambling.
Sorry it was a long introduction.. just needed to write it all down to make it real and so I can read it over and over when the urge inevitably returns.
I also hope it might sound some alarm bells in anyone who knows they have a problem.. but feels it to be a small one and that they are still in control.. and can 'manage' it whilst still gambling.. don't waste 10 years believing it like I did losing everything over and over..
Any advice and help is always welcome.. tommorow is a new day and hopefully I still have her and I can spend every day making it right.
Good night all x x
Wow that is a proper introduction. Full and honest disclosure. Really well done for coming on here tonight and opening up the way you have done.
You're an addict and it's as simple as that but you can no longer use it as an excuse... instead use it as a reason to make amends. It's not ok to act the way you have.
I was very disappointed at the point you deposited the initial £10 and was amazed that you continued to deposit. There were huge alarm bells for me at those points. I don't want to beat someone when they're down but want to be true too.
You sound like you've got a good girl there. I hope you can sort it all out and move forward.
Please kick poker to the curb. You know it's not working out well for you. You can be happy without it. I'd think about showing your Mrs your post but can't the wording exactly and whether it could inflame the situation further. At least it shows you want to move on now.
You are right and fair in your assessment..
What's worse is that I did actually sit and contemplate that first deposit of her money for 10 minutes.. I knew it was wrong but I chose to accept the punishment just so I could play.. the next 48 minutes I barely remember.. I was on the black jack tables on the piker site.. max betting in sheer panic in a dumb win it back panic fever.. I honestly don't stop to even think of consequences at that point.. until I snap out of it and I'm just in shock of how it could have happened.. even though it was always always going to happen.. I have used it as an excuse before.. and having experienced so much heart ache surrounding gambling it's appalling I've never even tried to commit to long term quitting.. I need to change so many aspects of me as a person and it has to start with this first.
I contemplated showing her.. but I don't want her to think I'm using it as a token 'look babe I'm trying' so on here is going to stay just for me for now as a place to start and learn off others. Thank you for helping out.
Good response stolen. I'll post you again later but think about what you're going to do to make it different this time? Do you want to quit for good or will you go back when back in control?
Good luck mate
Great introduction and welcome back to the world of 'no gambling' - I hope it works out for you this time. Continue on the vein of "I don't want to ever gamble again". Keep that process.
As a motivator and, I know its probably wrong as its a negative thought but I often think about how I felt that last night, the night I had my last gamble. The absurdity of the situation. Losing money hand over fist. Stress levels building. Family and work way down the list of priorities. Keeping this thought in mind reminds me of the dark day I reached my rock bottom. The day I had to stop punishing myself and my family.
Trust me, if I can do it, anyone can do it. I was over 25 years a gambler and am now 3 1/2 years a free man. Would I still like to gamble? Yes. Does it all stil interest me? Yes. Do I miss a bet on the weekend footy? Yes. Most definitely. I know though where I would end up if I even thought for a minute "its only a fiver". Its not worth it. I know its not worth it and that dark feeling (and my higher power) motivate me to stay well clear of this monster.
Good luck with your struggle. If you really want to stop, you will.
Stick with it Stolen!
I did a very similar thing many years ago, my Dad gave me his card to withdraw £30 and I withdrew £300. Tried to pass it off as a mistake when he realised the cash was gone but couldn't explain away the fact that I had £270 of stolen money in my hand and could no longer account for it.
Same thing with my first Fiancee, spent a couple of hundred quid of her student loan which caused a lot of problems for us both.
When I first started playing poker, my girlfriend (now wife) opened an account too. I was depositing £100 a day to play and losing it on stupidly high stakes games and having a miserable time, she deposited £20 when she opened the account and ran it up to £30 or so playing penny stakes and enjoying it. Anyway I hacked her account and transfered her money to my account, and that was the end of us playing poker socially...
Change wrote:
Good response stolen. I'll post you again later but think about what you're going to do to make it different this time? Do you want to quit for good or will you go back when back in control?
Thanks 'change'..
I think this is the first time I do actually want to quit.. not just attempt to control it. There's so much I used to do and enjoy that disappeared the more I played poker.. less time.. less money..
I will post a separate post about what I'm going to do and how am I going to change.. because your right.. I need a plan.. just cos I say I'm quitting doesn't make it so.. not with the right approach.. thanks again change.
Vesalius73..
Well done buddy.. pleased to hear that your doing so well.. proud of you buddy..
I am trying to be positive.. to look at positives.. I am thankful that my addiction only really revolves around online poker and blackjack on the side table.. I've never had an interest in sports bets or the bookie machines.. I just don't know how you guys cope having that temptation on every corner.. Hopefully I will never have to find out.. for now.. if i cant get online.. I can't do the form of gambling I do.. I'm just preparing for the urge to build to make sure it doesn't drift me off in to other forms of gambling.. one step at a time.. thanks again for your support.
Thanks for stopping bye..
Thanks dean.. writing it down in epic form is helping me be constantly reminding me what an epic fool I've been.. been in past tense.. it's time to be the man I once was.. I've a lot of work to do but it's going to happen.. thanks for your support.
kevz123 wrote:
Stick with it Stolen!
I did a very similar thing many years ago, my Dad gave me his card to withdraw £30 and I withdrew £300. Tried to pass it off as a mistake when he realised the cash was gone but couldn't explain away the fact that I had £270 of stolen money in my hand and could no longer account for it.
Same thing with my first Fiancee, spent a couple of hundred quid of her student loan which caused a lot of problems for us both.When I first started playing poker, my girlfriend (now wife) opened an account too. I was depositing £100 a day to play and losing it on stupidly high stakes games and having a miserable time, she deposited £20 when she opened the account and ran it up to £30 or so playing penny stakes and enjoying it. Anyway I hacked her account and transfered her money to my account, and that was the end of us playing poker socially...
How close to home this is..
We did the same.. I got her playing too.. convinced her it was fun and a way to earn some pocket money.. she min staked her way to always having a bank roll to play.. mine needed a fresh deposit three times a day..
Eventually I'd play on her account and bust her too.. she soon realised this was more than fun and a destructive side to me.. poker was banned and I went back underground.. back to doing it in secret..
Early in my gambling days my folks saw I was sinking fast.. they saw I had changed.. in an attempt to help me and not inderstanding my devious poker obsessed ways.. they naively paid off 12,000 of debt to give me a clean slate.. to fix everything.. where most people in life would have thanked them.. their lucky stars and made the changed.. I had re-maxed out my cards in months and went on to 40k of debts..
I've never offered to start paying them back.. I've always know I'd blow any spare cash and let them down.. so instead I've just not mentioned it again and left it as an unspoken elephant in the room..
As part of my plan I am going to tell them I have continued to gamble and make arrangements to pay what I can.. I love them and they have always been there.. but I have kept them at arms length because I am so ashamed.
MichaelS wrote:
Good luck mate
Thanks buddy.. gonna need it.. that and a bucket load of strength.
Hi stolenhappiness
I really connected with a lot of what you say. I too made sure that the bills were paid and that I and my partner had a fairly good quality of life but every single penny of disposable income was spent on gambling - I tried everything, even betting on sports I knew absolutely nothing about. Today is my 84th day gambling free and the relief it has bright is almost indescribable. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted from me. Do I still think about gambling? Of course, of that one big win but I know that the emotional cost is not worth even the biggest win because inevitably I would place in back on the roulette table or betting n a football match in kazhakstan Keep on keeping on - it is achievable. Many here prove that
Your story hit me hard.
Yesterday i walked out of my local supermarket with a trolly load of food
I walked right by the security guard. he knows me so i shall not be supprised if the police call to my door.
I was desperate i had just gambled my familys housekeeping for the week my wife would never have forgiven me
If she found out.
i dont live with my family because of my gambling but my wife still trusts me to take care of the kids and house hold chores while she works.
I have conned everybody in to thinking i am a reformed man. in the hopes my wife will give me a secound chance
Even though i lost are home savings just about everthing we had.
any type of criminal conviction would make it inpossible for me to ever return to my previous job.
So for the sake of a hundred pounds if i am arrested, i am completly ruined beyond repair.
What has this evil addiction done to good people
I was once a honest decent guy i no longer am and thats not the first time i have stole to feed my addiction
but i with all my hart want it to be the last time.
Amazingly honest start to your diary, and one I expect that will resonate with many on here including me. That contemplation of the choice of depositing money that is either not yours, or intended for bills and then choice made - destruction. We absolutely can't win because we can't stop - plain and simple. Any winnings go straight back to the leaches, we've all been there. I've just joined Gamcare again, I was a member last year but got fed up with it however I'm back because it does offer support. Be strong buddy, and give us an initial or nickname or something because I don't want to keep referring to you as 'stolen'! Best of luck.
twinklyr
We are available 24 hours a day, every day of the year. You can also contact us for free on 0808 80 20 133. If you would like to find out more about the service before you start, including information on confidentiality, please click below. Call recordings and chat transcripts are saved for 28 days for quality assurance.
