Wasted life

Just read your story. Feel for you buddy. Here you're in the right place my friend that's for sure. Make the most of this resource.

I sympathise with you re how difficult it would be to motivate yourself to go somewhere like GA ("It's all too late") I think you said. I hear you and I get that. However they say at GA "give it 90 days" then see how you feel? Just try that man, even 1 meeting a week - what have you got to lose?

Juxtapose this with what you have to lose when that 'sick feeling' which is currently acting as your buffer against gambling wears off (it always does it the end, although it may not feel like that now) and gambling becomes a possibility again? What would you have done/tried in the interim period to build up your armoury against gambling once that sick feeling starts to subside?

The blocks you have mentioned are great... By why not try GA as well? Noone will force you to keep going if it doesn't work for you... Why go into the fight with just a sword when the option is there to carry a sword and a shield?

"It's all too late" - it's never too late friend. Have you considered that your addiction is telling you this? You realise how insidious and powerful this illness is right?

And yes, it's going to take years and years to repair. Sorry about that. But won't it be the greatest day, won't life taste absolutely beautiful when the day comes that you're back on your feet? Don't you want some of that? Theres your goal right there mate. But it won't come for free. It requires a whole lot of ONGOING effort on your part. You don't get something for nothing in this world, sadly gambling has wrecked our wiring so even information like this needs to be reprocessed again!

Stop using all your brainpower to come up with excuses why you've got little chance to beat this (yes, you're down on yourself right now, I do get that) and channel your energy into engineering your recovery plan and how you'll go about achieving the various stages of it (keep it realistic and remember there is no rush - 51? You're not ready for the scrapheap just yet buddy) :o)

Celebrate each achievement as you make it, that will generate good vibes and a sense of possibility to overcome this. And remember even if you just survive and make it though just not gambling for 2-3 months, that in itself is an incredible achievement. Start hitting off those targets when you're stronger and more confident in yourself (gambling has probably taken your confidence and self-esteem along with your money) but don't worry, with clean time the former can return.

This journey usually gets worse before it gets better (hampered with remorse, guilt, resentment, anger etc) and thats why a lot of people fall at the various hurdles as they make the journey. However continue to gamble and it will just get worse. Period. Hang in there and I promise you things will improve, maybe not at the rate you would like it to or on your terms... But improve they will. Never lose sight of that.

Good luck. Take care.

@signalman very well written! I enjoyed reading it.

Thanks signalman, wise words. Particularly the hampered by remorse, guilt, resentment, anger etc.
That's what I can't get over just yet. Lying awake now thinking of all the money I've lost and what I could've done for family with that instead. I've barely slept any more than 2 or 3 hours a night since I stopped gambling about 11 days ago. It just runs through my head constantly. The amount of money is just ridiculous. My kids would love to go to America. I could have paid for that ten times over with what I've lost.
Truly unforgivable.

I've read so many posts on here in the small hours over the last week or so, that say to focus on the future not the past as that money is gone, but I just can't do it. I'm not in danger of gambling to try and win it back or anything, I know it's gone in that sense, but I Just can't think of anything else other than the losses and then the resentment and anger and downright self loathing happens and sleep drifts further and further away from me.

I guess everybody has their own demons to a degree, but mine are beginning to consume me. Particularly at this time when everyone else is asleep and I can do nothing but relive it all in my head.
I hope in time that will fade and I am looking into GA meetings so that will probably be my next step. I am still resolute in the belief I will never gamble again, but anything that can help reinforce that has to be worth a try.

Hey mate,

Hope you're ok.

Listen, I advise speaking to step change to discuss financial options, they could put all your creditors together and you could pay a smaller fee monthly, and have more money for you and your family. Please speak to them.

Listen, the money is gone... It's gone bud. It's not coming back. You won't win it back, even if you did, you'd gamble it again.

I completely understand not wanting to tell your wife. Try to sort your finances first (IVA, Debt management) then maybe when your head is in a better place, you can speak to her... Doesn't have to be yet.

You obviously love your children very much and your Mrs. I'm in no doubt they love you. Life is about being as happy as you can through the ups and downs. This industry has destroyed need a few times and like you, I'm determined to beat it. I'm only 7 days GF myself but I believe I can do it.

Fix your money first bud. Maybe speak to your Mrs at a later date. If you feel super low, speak to your GP, open up, they may be able to help.

Stay I touch.

You can do it!!

Dan

Great message Dan... Good advice you got there.

Listen mate, of course you're going to be consumed by the regrets and 'what ifs' for a while. It's all part of RECOVERY. It's a good thing!

If God gave you the choice now - which one do you want to be consumed by - 1) how you're going to go about winning it back or 2) all the money you've lost and will never see again - which one would you take?

Get it? You're on the road to recovery now pal. The sort of thinking you mention is a GOOD thing! I'm not saying go sing from the rooftops about it, of course not, but these feelings are a signifier of coming to terms with what youve done and realising that you're finally done with gambling. It's the first brick of the new palace you're going to build.

Yes you feel helpless and S****y right now. You will do for a while longer yet mate! Then you will start to get STRONGER, more RESOLUTE, even HAPPIER as you put clean time behind you and learn to do other/better things with your time like spend it with family.

Mate... Thank f**k you're consumed about all the money you've lost. Because if you were consumed about how you were going to win it all back you'd be in dangerous territory. People have stolen from others, hurt others, ended up in jail and even killed themselves as a result of the power of gambling. Thank the lord you're just lying awake at night thinking about all the money you've done, and not doing that from somewhere like a police cell.

And trust me, with clean time all what you're feeling will dissipate. If you don't believe me read the first few entries of my diary then the last few.

Take care

Thanks Dan and signalman, you both give great advice and help my mood considerably.
I am already feeling more positive gradually each passing day.
I've just finished overtime today, and I thought "right, that's about an extra 200 banked that will knock a bit off one of my cards".

Just got to keep doing that so I start to see things moving in the right direction. Today is grand national day and has often been a big gambling day for me. I remember last year i went into a bookies and put 30 quid on it. Then I played roulette and won over 200. Chasing the big one, I put it all on the national. 50 quid each on 4 horses all at massive prices. It was free bets as i saw it. I went home and watched the race , excited. Of course they all lost so what did i do?
Yep, back to the roulette to try and win another 200 to make up for the national bets. Can't remember now exactly how much I lost, but I remembered being gutted.
This time, no desire to bet on it. I'm not even going to watch it. Making a curry for the family instead and just feeling way more positive that I can get through this and improve life for them. And me.
Thanks again to everyone who has posted.

Good man... Day is done now and no bets placed. Victory for today.

A long road ahead of you - when you have the strength don't forget about looking into GA and maybe some counselling from somewhere... Gambling will come back for you at some point - have the fortress built for when it does.

The early days are when you're most vulnerable so don't leave it too long eh ;o)

Can't believe this thread was only April this year.  Seems like decades ago.  I don't even recognise the prose at all.  After i posted , i probably lasted another week.  If that.  

Didn't think it was possible to get in a worse position,  but boy it is. 

Anyway,  what's done is done.  And that means me.  

Just reading your story it is a sad one, a tale of relapse the same as everyone has had. It is a long road with many bumps just dust yourself down and get up again and go for it one last time being on here makes you accountable so well done for returning.

Done the usual again tonight,  relapse city.  Large bottle of whisky in front of me.  Large bottle of vodka in front of me.  Going to cane both.  Just can't take this s**t anymore.  Can't and won't.  

Dear @Brokenman

Thank you for posting on our Forum for support with overcoming your problem gambling. I am concerned over your most recent post where you talked about a recent relapse, please remember you are not alone in this and we’re here for you.

If you would like further support, help, guidance and advice then please call our Helpline on 0808 8020 133 or access our Netline via our GamCare website. We’re open every day of the year between the hours of 8am and 12am, you can also reach The Samaritans if you need to talk outside of these hours. https://www.samaritans.org

Overcoming problem gambling is a challenge, it’s a real credit to you that you have felt able to admit there is a problem and reached out for help. Please continue to keep posting on the Forum and you are welcome to join the group chat that runs every day from 1pm until 2pm and then opens again at 8pm until 9pm. If you do decide to call us, we can talk through possible coping strategies that you may not already be aware of. We can also make a referral to one of our Treatment Partners so that they can also offer you further one on one support if you don’t already have this in place.

Please remember your recent relapse doesn’t take away all the hard work, determination and effort that you put in to achieving the period of time that you were gamble free.

You may benefit from making an urgent appointment with your GP to talk about how you’re feeling and last night’s events that you detailed in your post. Or you can also telephone the NHS 111 number for further medical advice if you prefer? We would encourage you to speak to a medical professional for further advice and support please so that you can access all the support available to you.

You're not alone, please be kind to yourself and take care.

We look forward to hearing from you,

Kindest Regards

Joanne

6 months on and no better.  Worse in fact.  The world is a dark place. No self respect,  no self esteem,  plenty of self loathing.  Struggle to eat, struggle to sleep. Manage to drink easy enough though.  All I think about is money money money. Think I may have been having panic attacks even.  Tightness in chest,  shortness of breath sort of stuff.  Keep relapsing every few weeks and just can't see a way out.  Long long tunnel with no light. 

Pick yourself up Mr. B. I respect you. I respect that you posted here at this time. You deserve so much credit for being in a bad place and thinking of something you can do to help yourself. I hope you continue to post. I look forward to hearing about how you let yourself see some light. 

Reach out for some support. Call the Helpline, they are here 24/7 now and you can vent and they will listen and support you or you can chat them if you prefer. They are non-judgmental. Promise x

We are all here for you Mr. B. 

Take care. 

Drama 

xoxoxox

FFS! done it again despite feeling like the biggest c**t on the planet! I had 85 quid left to my name. To last me till next Friday pay day.  Have I got it now???? Of course I f*****g haven't.  There really is only one way out of this for me.  I'm a total lost cause, piece of s**t, waste of skin.  Don't deserve to be on this planet any more.  I thank every one that replied on this thread and I apologise for wasting your time.  Won't post again.  X 

Just read that last post back this morning and realise how it sounds.  Just want to point out I'm  not going to do myself in.  (As tempting as that feels right now). 

I've just had enough of everything.  Might just disappear.  Anyway like I said,  I won't post again.  Cheers all.