I don’t even know where to start I’m very new to these forums but know I should have used them sooner!
I’ve had a serious gambling problem for about 7 years now. It all started after having our first miscarriage, for some stupid reason I turned to gambling. Things were under control at first and then things took a turn for the worst, I ended up in eye watering amounts of debt and eventually took the plunge and spoke to my dad, he was so supportive and helpful and cleared all of my debt! It was fixed I could start again, and I did until our next miscarriage and it started all over again! To cut a long story short this has happened too many times to count, I struggle to carry babies and when ever I have another miscarriage I turn to gambling! I don’t know why, it’s never going to fill that void. Every time my dad has been amazing being so supportive and bailing me out yet again. I owe him stupid amounts of money!  This whole time I have kept this from my partner of 12 years, he had no idea what I was doing, the mess I’d created. I was so scared and ashamed to tell him, I didn’t want to hurt him, I tried to protect him, I was so sure he would leave and I couldn’t cope with that, he’s my world, my best friend my life and I was so scared he would go so I never told him. I can’t live without him! Stupid I know!Â
I had been doing so well until recently it all happened again. I have told my partner the most awful lies to borrow money from him, deceived him, to the point where he was expecting this money back this week. I had to tell him the truth, I couldn’t do this anymore! So yesterday I finally built the courage to tell him. He didn’t shout, he didn’t scream, I have hurt him that much he didn’t even know what to say, couldn’t look at me, Told me to pack my stuff and get out! I don’t blame him, I wouldn’t want to look at me either, I hate myself so much and all the mess I have caused. He doesn’t want anything to do with me, he said he’s disgusted with me, and the worse thing is it doesn’t even seem to be about my addiction, I’ve broke his heart with all the lies I have told! He doesn’t trust me anymore and says he never will again! He doesn’t want to speak to me, see me or even here my name! I’ve lost him now, the thing I was trying to stop from happening all those years ago! I’ve broke his heart and completely left him in a mess financially and mentally. I never meant to cause this. I respect his wishes but I’m broken! I can’t do this without him! He’s my rock and always has been! I’ve lost everything!Â
I have now made steps to get help with my addiction, I had therapy years ago but when it was no longer a problem it stopped. I have tried to access further support but have been told there is a back log due to the amount of people who have relapsed during the pandemic. My sister has sent me links to face to face support groups which I am going to start going to.
I’m just praying that in time my partner comes round after he processes all of this mess I have caused but I really don’t think that’s going to happen. Gambling has ruined my whole life and I just don’t know how to move forward with this.Â
Hi @kp2501
Welcome to the GamCare Forum and thank you for sharing your post.
I am sorry you are going through a really tough time at the moment, you are not alone in the way gambling can consume a persons life for a period of time. There is plenty of support available to you and you have made a really positive step today by posting your story.
The first step is to contact the GamCare Helpline on 0808 8020 133 or Netline to explore the additional support available to you. We are available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week if you would like to talk to one of the GamCare HelpLine advisers.
I would encourage you to make an appointment with your GP surrounding your currently feelings but also the historial emostional toil from the misscarrages and any other emsotions you may be experiencing due to gambling.
Could I also give the details for some organisations that can offer some free debt advice.
National Debtline – 0808 808 4000, www.nationaldebtline.org
StepChange – 0800 138 1111, www.stepchange.org
The community on this platform is very supportive, so whilst you may have felt hesistant to send that inital post now you are here keep posting.Â
Take Care.
HelenÂ
Forum Admin.Â
That was not nice to read and I am sorry for the situation you find yourself in. There is so much pain you need to deal with and that is not easy to do. I think you already understand that you douse your pain with gambling. What needs to be dealt with is your personal loss. You need to be allowed to grieve so you can start to heal again. If you are looking for therapist I would look for someone who works with gestalt. That is a therapy form that I do think could help you. Try and look it up. See this as a first step for a new start. There are lots of people here that will give you support and help.
Best
C
Hi kp, welcome to the forum. You've made a really good start.
I feel your pain. I myself have had 2 miscarriages, 7 years ago I also had identical twin girls, one was stillborn. Gamnling was also my escape. I hid it from everyone, my grief consumed me and I would just escape constantly to gambling.
The lies ate me up, the not being able to sleep, not having money for bills, rent, food. Pretending I had unexpected bills so I could gamble more. It was relentless.Â
I told my partner and he was so angry to start with, but in time he came round and was supportive. But then I just had relapse after relapse and each time I hid it or if I did come clean , the pain in his eyes was unbearable.
Recently I went 180+ days not gambling, but I always had a secret way to gamble and recently used it. I felt terrible. The guilt this time round was unbearable. So I got more blocks and handed over financial control, the relief was unreal. I now haven't gambled for 15 days
Your partner will need time. But if you can show him how much your trying and steps you've taken, it really does help.
I am so so sorry for your miscarriages, its a terrible pain to go through, its heartbreaking. Maybe speak to your gp and ask for some counselling.
Stay strong and take care. You can get through this.
Stace
I’m in the same boat as your husband. It’s the lies that seem to come naturally daily. I’d rather someone be honest than lie to me. My husband lied to me only this morning and it’s heartbreaking I don’t want him near me I don’t even want to see him.Â
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