Wife's addiction

Hi dazz so sorry to hear your story. It sounds like your wife has a problem with coping and is relying on drink and gambling to get her through. Once something is done on a daily basis it is a habit and continues to 'grow'. She is obviously not seeing it as a problem and living with active addicts is very difficult. You should call the helpline and get support and advice. You can go to a gamanon meeting if there is one near or even find one when you travel. They are great support and help in how to live with someone who's an addict . Plus they help you learn how to change you, your reaction and how to look after you. You could download internet blocks onto devices, they stop gambling sites(Gamban, k9) or talk to your internet provider. Safeguard your money, no joint accounts. No bailouts. I personally would tell family not to give my cg money. I have had many empty threats from my husband about leaving, it's my fault, let's get divorced. It's normally when they are spiralling out of control, no money left, about to be found out. It's a ploy, an excuse to continue, 'the blame game'. In my experience they continue even after they've assured you they stopped. If a cg wants to gamble they will. Your wife has to realise the problem and get help for herself. You need to learn as much as you can about addiction. Call and talk to someone asap. Keep asking questions here. Don't ignore it.

Sorry to hear what’s happening.

You didn’t Cause your wife’s gambling and drinking, you can’t Control your wife’s gambling and drinking and you can’t Cure your wife’s gambling and drinking. It’s not that you haven’t tried hard enough, it’s that you are not her and you can’t stop using for her.

You’re not using yourself but you still have a problem, namely the effect that it’s having on you, the chaos and the abuse. What you can do is help yourself, go to regular and frequent AlAnon meetings and also GamAnon, where others in the same position can teach you to look after yourself and live your life the best way that you can.

re the gambling, there’s a lot of useful advice on the forum about how to protect yourself financially, as summarised by Merry. The gambler will play as long as someone else pays. I also paid for everything and freed up my husband’s money for gambling but it’s enabling and it’s not wise.

By changing your attitude and responses, by refusing to be manipulated or to accept projected blame, by refusing to take responsibility for her using, by taking actions such as starting meetings and closing joint accounts, you will be making it harder for your wife to use and conveying a message to her that her behaviour is unacceptable. On the other hand, protesting verbally but allowing the abuse to continue, also gives a message to your wife. We teach people how to treat us, by what we tolerate and what we reinforce.

Move your focus over to you, start looking after you. If you’ve had enough of how things are, then it’s time for some new lessons all round.

Take care,

CW

Hi Dazz.

A gambling addiction is a deadly form of mind control and you are in a very difficult situation where you must confront it and say that gambling is not acceptable in your household. Ive been a gambler and I wouldnt live with one.

It will cause confrontation because a gambling addiction cares not about relationships and finances.

As tough as it is you need to protect yourself and every penny you earn. You will now begin to learn what you are dealing with here. I am not saying she is inherently a bad person. Its a complex addiction based on all sorts of things like depression and escape from certain feelings.

There may also be relationship issues and its interesting that she threatens to leave when it is you that needs to step up the protection. I have to be blunt about this. An active gambler is dangerous in your household. Maybe you dont fully understand the power of such an addiction which is now in the same chapter as any substance abuse.

Yes you love her but you can not let this be a blind love. She needs help and she must be ready to stop. You have to mention that gambling and drinking is not acceptable to you and you will act on it

Please ring Gamcare again and keep using the forum. Learning and good advice is strength. You havent caused this and you cant cure it for her. You can help but its on your terms. She needs to be living on a sandwich allowance now. This may confuse you but its not about treating people like babies. Its about saving lives and the quality of life.

You cant be soft about it and its time for some tough love. I have to say that if she needs some time away it can be better than the tricks and secrets of an active gambler.. A gambling addiction is no silly blip.... its deadly serious..Think about it and gain your composure.

Best wishes from everyone on the forum

Thanks for all the advice. It's been an absolute nightmare for me over the last few years it's affected our kids aswell which hurts as I'm supposed to be the strong one that looks after and supports the family. But as you've said I need to find help for me aswell as my wife
Time for some tough love
Cheers guy's