Last night I messed up, and relapsed. Spent 14 hours in a casino, didn't eat, drink, and sprinted to the toilets so I wouldn't waste time. I blew a lot of money, one of the most in a single sessions yet. Came back at 4am.
Woke up today and feel like a different person.
I've been battling with anxiety and depression for the past 4 years and due to start my course of antidepressants tomorrow, I'm treating this as a new beginning.
I wrote this to remind me of how I'm never going to win, and thought I'd share it.
"Another spin, another hand, another hit another stand,
My numbers due, this time round, double the bet, hear that sound,
Because, I need this, more than last time, and the time before,
All reason, intelligence, logic, has all gone out the door.
I know the odds, the facts, the edge, the scam.
But I don't think about that, just one more hand.
I know pot odds, house edge, standard play,
All goes to s**t because I'm never winning, not now, not tomorrow, not anyday.
You see, the money isn't mine, it never was and never will be,
Because as soon as I sit down, I'm already drawing dead.
No logic, no reason, I'm all in.
With no outs but the door, to walk home and hate myself, even more.
I'm at war with my brain, this habit, this addiction, is driving me insane.
But most of all, I hate this game,
Because it makes me hate myself. "
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Excellent poem. Sums it all up.
Why do we continue doing something that we know we can't win. Why do we click the spin button again and again and again?
It's gets to the point with me that even when my brain is saying stop and cut your losses, my hand continues to click the spin button.
Frustrating/annoying/soul destroying at times! But onwards and upwards 1 day at a time.
Craig
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